Monday, December 31, 2012

No Apocalypse in sight....so UH-OH LET'S GO RETRO!

Well, December 21st came and went and there were no earthquakes.  No asteroids, meteors or comets colliding with the planet.  The ever elusive Nibiru did not suddenly make itself known to us before smashing us to oblivion.  There were no zombies, no plagues (unless you count this damn flu that is kicking everyone's ass in Central Massachusetts right now).  There was no rapture and there were certainly no signs that this big ol' blue marble we call home was about to explode, implode or any other kind 'plode.  In short....life is going to go on, just as it has for millions of years here on Planet Earth.   Yes.  Millions.  I'm counting the Dinosaurs.

So how am I celebrating the New Year this year?  Well, I've been going pretty solid on a retro kick lately.  For Christmas, I received some fantastic OOP horror movies such as Microwave Massacre, The Willies, Slaughterhouse Rock and Gourmet Zombie Chef From Hell...among others.  Those will be getting reviewed in due time.  Plus I've still got a pretty solid back catalog of films that need reviewing.  Here's hoping 2013 is a little more lenient with time!

Also, I've been rediscovering my love for video games....particularly retro video games.  This kicked into high gear when Nintendo Power published it's final issue this month after almost TWENTY FIVE YEARS OF PUBLICATION!!!!  NP was a huge part of my childhood and it's sent me on a rediscovery of the wonders of retro gaming.  Some of you may know of a short lived blog that I had started up called The Dungeon of Vestron.  It was meant to be the video game sibling to this site's original incarnation, The Wizard of Vestron.  I'm considering melding a bit of Dungeon here onto Midnight Cinephile.  After all, I did spend MANY a late night playing video games while watching horror movies on TV as well.  It was one of my favorite ways to spend a Saturday night as a kid.  We'll see what develops there!

I truly hope that you've all had a MONSTROUS holiday season.  This year has been Midnight Cinephile's biggest so far.  Okay, well technically it's MC's first....but I'm counting it's time as WOV as well.  So thank you all for continuing to read my tiny little microcosm of a corner in the deep dark basement of the internet.  I hope you'll continue to drop by for more goodness in 2013!






Saturday, December 22, 2012

Santa Claus - Possibly The Creepiest Film Ever.

Santa Claus
1959
Directed by Rene Cardona
Starring Jose Elias Moreno, Cesáreo Quezadas 'Pulgarcito', José Luis Aguirre 'Trotsky'  & Armando Arriola

Tag Lines 
An Enchanting World of Make Believe!

Bursting upon our BIG SCREEN in all the colors of the rainbow... a prize-winning blue ribbon treat for old and young alike! Here's something for the whole family to see together!

See All the Weird and Wonderful Characters of Make-Believe! The Fantastic Crystal Work-Room of the Happy Elves! The Fabulous Realm of the Candy-Stick Palaces!

At Last a Movie That's All About Him!

Better Than a Visit From Saint Nick Himself!

No Alternative Titles


Oh man.  I don't know where to start with this one.  In the grand tradition of extremely messed up Christmas stuff, we get Santa Claus.  A Mexican film from 1959.  This absolutely gets classified under the "must-see" category of bad Christmas movies.  Where else are you going to see Santa Claus fighting a red spandex clad demon?

It's Pitch!!!!!
In this wonky Christmas trashterpiece, Lucifer sends Pitch, a red devil to Earth to cause children to behave badly.... henceforth disrupting Christmas.  Santa, whose palace is basically a giant hovering UFO palace spies on Pitch's activities through some extremely fucked up devices that I am assuming are possibly bio-mechanical.  There is a telescope with an eyeball on the end, there is a radar/parabolic ear - with a friggin EAR on it! - and quite possibly the creepiest device is a God-knows-what with a giant pair of lips on it.  It looks like some kind of fucked up alien blowjob device for giants.  Santa is one sick bastard, I'll tell you what.  I don't even want to get into the
Creepy Merlin helps Creepy Santa.
fact that there are no elves.  Nope....apparently Santa's taken children from Earth to work at his shop/palace.  On them kids on the side of the milk carton?  Santa took them.  Freak.

Before Santa goes to Earth, he needs some help from his assistant, Merlin.  Yep.  You read that right.  Merlin.  Most powerful wizard in all the world (yes even more powerful than Harry Potter!), once most trusted adviser to King Arthur is now Santa's assistant.  Bet ya didn't see that once coming, did ya? Oh it gets even better:  Not only does Santa have Merlin squirreled away in his floating palace of mysterious wonders, but he's also got Vulcan in there!  Not the planet, or the pointy eared species from Star Trek.  I'm of course referring to the Roman God of Beneficial and Hindering Fire.....aka the Greek God Hephaestus.
What the hell is this?  Santa's Gloryhole?

This is one film that simply has to be seen to be believed.  There is just so much whacked out imagery going on that it's impossible to accurately describe how wonky it truly is.  If you are a fan of not only bad cinema, but bad Christmas cinema, then you owe it to yourself to see this one.  Some may find it a bit of a tough watch, but if you're in the right mindset (and have plenty of egg nog) then you'll be all set!



Midnight Tally

Body Count:  Nope.  Though I do wonder what has become of those child slaves that Santa keeps!

Boob Count:  Of course not, you perverts!

Monster Count:  Well, we've got Pitch.  He's a dude wearing a red spandex devil suit with red facepaint.  I think that counts.



Final Thoughts

I'm not going to lie, this one had me wondering more than once what the hell the filmmakers were thinking about.  The whole giant floating palace full of child workers and bio-mechanical devices seemed like some kind of low rent fever dream that I might have had after eating a bad Swiss Colony cheese & meat platter.  Yet, I can't help but find a certain wonky charm about it.  This would make a good double bill with Santa Claus Conquers The Martians.



Final Rating

Three out of Five Pizza Rolls





Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Santa Claus Conquers The Martians - Sadly....no Tripods.

Santa Claus Conquers The Martians
1964 
Directed by Nicholas Webster
Starring John Call, Leonard Hicks, Vincent Beck, Victor Stiles & Pia Zadora


Tag Lines
Blast off for Mars... with Santa and a pair of Earth kids! Science-Fun-Fiction at its height!


Santa Claus saves Christmas for the Children of the World!

Santa Kidnapped by the Martians! Out-of-this-world fun 'n' action...as two Earth Kids are whisked away with him to Mars!

SEE: The Martians Kidnap Santa! Santa's North Pole Workshop! The Fantastic Martian Toy Factory! Earth Kids Meeting with Martian Kids! Space-ship Journey from Earth to Mars! Santa Turn Mars-Robot Into a Mechanical Toy!

Santa Brings Christmas Fun to Mars!


Alternate Titles

Santa Claus Defeats The Aliens - USA
Joulupukki valloittaa Marsin (Santa Claus Conquers Mars) - Finland
Jultomten fixar allt! (Santa Does It All!) - Sweden
Le père Noël contre les martiens (Santa Claus Against The Martians) - France
Ο αρης εναντιον της γης (Mars Against The Earth) - Greece
Santa Claus contra los marcianos (Santa Clause Against The Martians) - Venezuela
Swiety Mikolaj wyrusza na podboj Marsa (Santa Claus Goes On To Conquer Mars) - Poland

Voldar is such a dick!


Theater 3000.  I had seen quite a few episodes of MST3K back in the day, but nothing had prepared me for the brain melting lunacy of Santa Claus Conquers The Martians.  Over the next few years, I waited for a repeat of the episode so I could tape it.  Yes, that's right, I said tape it.  This was in the days of VCR's.  There were no DVRs.....no Tivo.  No Netflix and no You Tube, Amazon, iTunes or other streaming media formats.  I had to scour the TV guide looking for the episode and then manually hit the record button when it aired at 3 o'clock early one Sunday morning.  Supposedly my VCR could be programmed to record at a certain time, but it never worked.
Momar, Kimar, Girmar and Bomar!

The plot is the stuff of bad movie legend.  The children of Mars are in trouble because they do not have their own individuality and they're not having enough fun.  So the Martian leader Kimar decides to kidnap Santa Claus to bring joy to the children of Mars.  Unfortunately, Kimar can't tell the difference between the fake Santas and the real Santa, so first they kidnap two Earth children to help them locate the real Kris Kringle.

Santa and the kids set up shop on Mars and make a toy factory, which gets sabotaged by the jack ass martian Voldar, who tries repeatedly to kill Santa.  What a douche bag.  Of course being a children's movie, all ends well, with the help of the goofy Dropo, who is so enamored with Santa when he arrives that he starts to dress like him and act like him.

Of course Mars gets into the Holiday spirit and Christmas is saved once again.

Oh yeah and there's a wicked cheesy robot called Torg!

Midnight Cinephile Totals:

Body Count:  Not here, friends.  This is a kid friendly Christmas flick!

Boob Count:  Once again, nadda.  Zip.  Zilch.

Monster Count:  Well, there are Martians galore!  They're basically green skinned people with silly clothes and stupid headgear, but hey, we take what we can get, right!  There is also Torg, the cardboard robot that makes Robot Monster look imposing!  Seriously!


Final Thoughts:
Santa Claus Conquers The Martians has become a staple in my annual Christmas movie/viewing rotation.  You can't help but love the wonky sets and horrible acting.....oh and of course the horribly catch song "Hurray for Santy Claus!"


Final Score:
Three out of Five Pizza Rolls






Friday, December 7, 2012

The Wraith - Winning with Tiger Blood....and a souped up Dodge!

The Wraith
1986
Director-Mike Marvin
Stars- Charlie Sheen,Nick Cassavetes, Sherilyn Fenn and Randy Quaid


Tag Lines:

He's not from around here....
An evil force took his life.....now an unearthly power has brought him back
He's heaven sent and hell on wheels!
....his spirit returns for revenge
If you've done nothing wrong, you've got nothing to fear.
He is a phantom - a wraith.


Alternate Titles: 

A Aparição (The Appearance)  - Brazil
A Ira (The Wrath) - Portugal
Száguldó bosszú (Speedy Revenge) - Hungary
A fantom (The Phantom) - Hungary (video title)
A kísértet (The Ghost) - Hungary (alternate title)
El aparecido (The Wraith) - Spain
El ejecutor (The Executor) - Spain (TV title)
Il replicante (The Wraith) - Italy
Interceptor - West Germany
Interceptor - Phantom der Ewigkeit (Interceptor - Phantom of Eternity) - Gemany (DVD title)
Kosto rajan takaa (Revenge of the Border) - Finland
Ο εκδικητης φαντασμα (The Vengeful Ghost) - Greece
Phantom - France
Utvara (Wraith) - Serbia

******SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT*********
This review marks the first that I have not written myself.  I have handed the reigns over to the lovely Cynn Delite.  She will give us a more female perspective on some classic films.  Without further adieu:  I give you Sin Delight:


Hello All, 
Cynn Delite here.  As you can see, I've taken my identity from the ghosts of porn stars past.  I'll be popping out....oops, I mean in.....from time to time to blow your minds with reviews of lost gems such as The Wraith and many more.    

On with the review:

Being born in 1979, I was sure my parents would not have allowed me to watch this diamond. I can't tell you when I first watched The Wraith, but I am pretty sure it was on HBO or a paid premium channel some many years later.

You wouldn't think a girl would like this kind of movie, even with a young good looking Charlie Sheen. But there was something about it. I should have been drawn to the night in shinning armor,or at least the bad boy vibe. But it was the cars, specifically the Dodge that Jake Kesey drove, under the guise of "The Visitor" that got me. The movies main theme, fast cars and hot chicks was geared more towards the male population, but it still fascinated me. 


The black dodge was a M4S. It was a collaboration between Dodge and Chrysler and a company called PPG Industries. The M4S had a Chrysler 2.2 liter 4 cylinder one of a kind engine that exceeded 194 mph. The kick ass body design was developed by Chrysler's studio, and PPG made the awesome finish. They called it a bronze pearl paint ,which was one of a kind. Everything about this car, I wanted for my 16th birthday. I don't consider myself a gear head, but I fell in love. And when they popped the hood of this sexy beast, I wanted my own M4S engine to glow, and have electric strikes running across it too. And I tell you what, if a teenage boy I knew had this car, my teenage self would have lost a lot in that back seat. 

So here is the break down. The main bad ass (I use that term loosely) Packard Walsh has a gang. He forces other cars to race him, albeit with a switch blade, to basically nab there pink slips. Along comes innocent and pure love Jamie Hankins and Keri Johnson. Packard wants Keri, Keri no want Packard, Packard stab boyfriend Jamie, now Packard has Keri. But wait...why is Keri and Packard together? He killed her love. Well that comes to light, so I won't spoil it for you. Somehow through all this, parents are not present for these teenage shenanigans, but this is the eighty's people. 

Is The Wraith from heaven, hell, were not sure but he is here to kick some ass. Specifically the Packard gang, and then this man in black with a kick ass car, just happens to show up when Jake Kesey arrives. Coincidence? Could this be a spirit of someone wronged? To lay tire tread all over your body? 

One by one The Wraith races each of Packards gang members, and looses with his life. I have to say, the way each died was not pretty, but the carnage of car metal vs bloody bodies was null. It was very clever how these dead boy's appeared. And just a little creepy. 

In the end good always triumphs over evil. I have to say I did get a little emotional when a special gift is presented to an important character, that doesn't really get a lot of face time. 

If ya like anything 80's, and cool cars for the time period, topped with 80's artists. See it!


Midnight Cinephile Totals:

Body Count:
Five.  Considering who the characters that were killed, WERE.....it was a wide sweep.

Boob Count:
Technically two, but we see the same pair multiple times.

Monster Count:
One.  Not a classical monster, but never the less, a monster to those who were hunted!

Final Thoughts:
I still want that car.


Final Rating:
Four out of Five Pizza Rolls

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Aliens: They Scare The Crap Out of Me

Alien.  That one simple word holds more horror for me than an entire Stephen King novel.  I've always had this love/hate fascination with aliens.  As a child, I would constantly take out books about UFO's from the library.  I would read the cases and study the photographs and I would quietly freak out that I might get abducted and experimented on.  It's silly, but that irrational fear still lingers in the back of my mind.  I hear a strange noise in the house at night and my first thought isn't "GHOST!".  Nope....my first thought is "AW FUCK.....ALIENS!"

I remember when I was about 7 or 8, my Dad bought me a copy of the Alien video game for the Commodore 64.  I had never seen the movie, but I was VERY familiar with the VHS box art that graced the copy that sat on the shelf at Video Paradise as well as my new game.   Oh....that strange awful egg....cracked and leaking green stuff.....that strange alien lattice work beneath it.  That tag line....In Space, No One Can Hear You Scream......I couldn't even begin to imagine what horrors awaited.  We got it at K-Mart.  I don't know why I remember that exactly.....I just have an image in my head of me and my Dad at the game counter.  Thought I would share that with you.

The Alien game had quite an effect of me.  Loading up the game (yes, back in those days, you had to actually load the game yourself!) for the first time, I had no idea what to expect.  When  the title screen appeared, it was incredible.....and frightening.  The music that plays during the title sequence of the game is absolutely evil.  The SID tune used a series of filters to create a sound that was literally out of this world.  It FELT alien.  The music immediately burned itself into my brain.....joining the ranks of the Forbbiden Forest (and Beyond The Forbidden Forest)  as my all time favorite video game music.

The game itself was quite hard and I never completed it, but I still had a lot of fun trying my best to get rid of the alien on my ship.  When a crew member was killed, it switched to an animation of the alien attacking.  The 8-Bit incarnation of the Alien was my first exposure to the titular beast.  I remember asking my Dad if it looked in the movie as it did in the game.  He said "Yeah...sorta."  And that was that.   A few years later, I finally watched the film and decided he was right.

I had a nightmare about that damned egg on the poster.  In my dream, my sister and I were walking home from the bus stop.  When we rounded the corner of our street and our house came into view, that egg was hovering in the air very close to our house.  It was pulsating.  We rushed inside and into the kitchen.  The house was empty.  My sister opened the cabinet where my mother kept all our canned goods.  There was a room back there behind the cans!  We climbed into this secret room and we watched from a tiny window that egg.....pulsating and starting to crack.  We didn't know where our parents were.  We sat and waited....and watched.  It pulsated more.  It cracked more.  Finally my mother's Plymouth Valiant rolled around the corner and she pulled up to the house.  She started to get out of the car and the Egg suddenly dropped and broke open in front of the car.  My mother screamed and I woke up.  I'll never forget that nightmare.  It terrified me beyond reason.  I stopped playing the game for quite a while after that.  It's probably got a lot to do with the fact that it took me a long time for finally watch the movie too!

As scary as Alien was.....as I grew older it was still the "real" aliens that I read about in Time Life's Mysteries of the Unknown books that scared me.  Greys.  I started to read about Roswell and the Government's alleged cover-up of the crashed saucer.  I read about the Travis Walton case.  And then I watched the most terrifying film about aliens ever made:  Fire in the Sky.  I still can't watch that movie by myself.  I watched it with my Mom one Saturday night in my room.  I had just gotten a VCR in my room and my Dad had wanted to watch something else on TV....so
we took our rented copy of Fire in the Sky....and a bag of microwave popcorn and 90 minutes later, we were both terrified.

Oh yeah....don't get me started on Communion.  Aliens.  Abduction....AND Christopher Walken?!?   Holy crap.  I caught an edited version of it on TV once....I think it might have been on FOX.....back when they showed an 8 o'clock movie.  Remember the good ol' days?

The odd part has always been the fact that despite the fact that aliens scare the crap out of me, I can't seem to get enough.  I can't stop reading about them or watching movies like The Fourth Kind.  That movie wigged me out too.  Since I'm confessing here, I might as well go ahead and tell you that I went to see M. Night Shyamalan's Signs.....and I did not sleep well that night.  Go ahead, call me a pussy.  I won't stop you.  It's not my fault that this shit scares me, I'm just wired that way.

I'm beyond obsessed with Ancient Aliens, UFO Hunters and the slew of bizarre alien and UFO programming that you find on a multitude of channels these days.  I firmly believe that there is life on other planets.  I don't know if they've visited us yet, but I have a feeling they have.  I think that I may just see the day that the world discovers once and for all that we are not alone in the universe in my lifetime.  I will then promptly arm myself to the teeth and get ready to kick E.T's ugly ass.  I've seen enough movies to know how this ends.


Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Nightwish - Invasion of the Ectoplasmic Hallucinatory Aliens from Hell......or something like that.

Nightwish
1990
Written and Directed by:  Bruce R. Cook
Starring:  Jack Starrett, Elizabeth Kaitan, Alisha Das, Clayton Rohner, Artur Cybulski 
and Brian Thompson.

Alternative Titles:

Nightwish, Out of Control - Hungary/West Germany
Monstrous en la noche (Monsters at Night) - Spain
Nocne Życzenie (literally translates as Night Wish) - Poland
Sonhos de Horror (Dreams of Horror) - Brazil


I didn't really know what to expect going into this film.  It had been taunting me on Netflix streaming for some time.   Every time I sat down to watch a flick, I'd scroll by Nightwish and stop for a second or two, contemplating watching it....then I would think of something else that I had been meaning to watch and go on my merry way.  Well, I've been under the weather for the past few days and pretty much laid up in bed.  In between bouts of fever sleep, when I just couldn't force myself to sleep anymore, I'd fire up Netflix and it finally came time to give Nightwish a shot.

I'm not going to lie....this movie is a mess.  It starts out like standard horror fare.  A blonde is out at night alone.  She comes across a man's shoe.....then a bloody shirt (I think.....it kinda looked like a torn shirt....but really, who cares), and then his severed hands.  She is then spotted and chased by a cannibal/zombie/lunatic.  She tries to give him the slip, but then runs into another one.  They chase her to a building door and catch her.  She screams as the people inside the building stare out the window at her.  Turns out it was just a dream.  There's a doctor and science students doing dream studies.  Apparently the doctor wants them to "Project their own death" into their dreams.  None of them can do it though because their "dreams get away from them and they lose control".  Then the doctor proceeds to tell them that when he's finished with them, they won't be afraid of anything.  Creepy, Doc.....real creepy.  The students, Kim, Donna, Bill and Jack all seem like they're a bit old for college, but hey, what do I know.

Okay.....so this is gonna be like a killer dreams type of flick, eh?  Okay cool!  No wait....now they're in a van driven by a dude named Dean (Brian Thompson....you know....Kabal from Dr. Mordrid!) heading to a cabin to meet the doctor and help him with some parapsychological investigations.  Parapsychological.....not sure if that's a word, but I'm gonna run with it.  Makes me sounds smaht.  Yep.....that H was on purpse.....I AM from Massachusetts after all.  Which means I'm wicked pissah.  Now that I've derailed my own review......


So they're at the cabin and weird shit starts to happen almost immediately.  Turns out the good doctor and Bill rigged up the equipment to start going haywire to freak the others out.  Apparently, this is some sort of "training" according to the doctor.  But there was an ectoplasmic snake that wasn't part of the doc's bag of tricks.  From here on out it starts getting really wonky.  The doc sets up a seance in the basement with a pentagram and handcuffs everyone around the symbol.  When things don't go quite like the doc wants, he stabs one of the kids, a weird bald guy comes up out of the sub basement level that works for the doctor.....and shit generally just falls apart.  

Under penalty of death, the mad doc forces the three remaining kids to continue their paranormal investigations of the house.  Donna manages to escape....sort of and discovers that The Doctor and Bill are friggin' aliens!  Or maybe not....there's a lot of talk about the "entity" in the house causing people to hallucinate.  It really starts turning into a "throw the kitchen sink at 'em" scenario.  Aliens, Ghosts, Possessions, Dreams, Mad Doctors......it's all in here.....and it's all weird.

Now having said all of this, I'm not saying I didn't enjoy the film.  This certainly is not for everyone.  Those who really enjoy 80's B horror flicks will get a kick out of the bad acting and the gore effects.  It may interest some as well, that there is a bit of a nifty twist at the end, which predates the likes of films such as Inception.  If you've got 90 minutes to kill then you could do worse than Nightwish.  Even better....invite some friends over to watch it with you.....some drinks and snacks would make this a hell of a Friday Night Flick!


Midnight Cinephile Totals:

Body Count:  8 + - In addition to the eight direct deaths that involve the immediate characters in the film, there are also the bodies of past victims that we see in the alien chamber beneath the house....not sure exactly how many bodies there were there.  Of course then again, did anybody really die?

Skin Count:  We get to see two sets of boobs in this one.  First we get to see Elizabeth Kaitan in a soaking wet see through shirt (which she then takes off).  Later we see her breasts again in a shear purple nighty....thing.  We also see Alisha Das' breasts as she feels herself up during an alien fever dream.  

Monster Count:  There are a few different creatures in this one.  There's the Ectoplasm Snake, There's an Evil Tornado, Aliens and you know what.fuck it...I'm going to count Stanley....The Doctors helper.  He's not really a creature....but he is god damned ugly!


Final Thoughts:

Despite it's flaws, there is much to like about Nightwish.  Even though it never quite gels on a solid concept, it's that very same flaw that gives this flick some of it's strength.  Whether it was intentional or not, Nightwish operates on a certain dream logic that makes little sense in the sunlight.  But when the sun goes down and the moon comes up....I turn into a teenage Goo Goo Muck....and the film totally works.  Plus it's got Elizabeth Kaitan in it....which makes it awesome no matter how wonky the plot is.

Final Score:

Three out of Five Pizza Rolls




Monday, November 26, 2012

It's a SpongeBob Christmas!



Okay.....so SpongeBob may seem a bit of an odd choice to talk about here....but after watching this Christmas Special, I can tell you with a fair amount of certainty that this is going to be the stuff of Midnight Cinephile legend someday.  It's got everything......a bizarre plot, robot monsters and one of the goddamned scariest Santa's this side of Silent Night, Deadly Night!

So first of all, this special is stop motion animated like the Rankin/Bass Xmas specials of yesteryear....this automatically makes it infinitely more amazing.  It also lends it that extra little something that makes it that much stranger.  It gives it an organic, ethereal feel that I could perfectly well see as frightening some poor kid who stumbles across it on a cold December night in the year 2043.   I can picture it now.....little Timmy is stumbling around through his parent's digital archives....and comes across a strange file.  He pulls it up on the holo-vision set and is greeted by this special.  Little Timmy will never be the same again.  What was this strange bit of holiday programming?  Who lives in a Pineapple under the sea?  Spongebob?  WTF?  Little Timmy would then spend the rest of his life hunting down the obscurities of the past.....and another retrophile is born.

It's Rankin/Bass SpongeBob!  YES!!!

HOLY SHIT!  That is one fucked up Santa!  Look at those eyes!

So what is SpongeBob's Christmas about?  Well, it's like this:  Sheldon J. Plankton devises a plan to turn the rest of the denizen's of Bikini Bottom into complete jerks, putting them all on Santa's Naughty List.  Then Sheldon will seem nice compared to them and finally get what he wants for Christmas:  The secret recipe to Mr Krabs Krabby Patties!  In order to do this, he decides that he will infuse the ultra rare element, Jerktonium into a special loaf of Fruit Cake and distribute it under the guise of spreading good cheer.  The Jerktonium Fruitcake will then turn anyone who eats it into a complete jerk!  Sheldon tries his creation out of SpongeBob first, but it doesn't work....possibly because SpongeBob's heart is so pure......or maybe because his brain is so small.


Ah, Jerktonium....where were you when I needed you in Chem Lab?

Sheldon's Naughty List.......

Well, seeing as it had no effect on ol' SpongeBob, Sheldon gives up that idea and goes on to Plan B....creating a mechanical SpongeBob to wreck havoc on Bikini Bottom!  Meanwhile, the real SpongeBob takes the FruitCake Mobile that Sheldon was going to use and he himself starts to distribute the Fruit Cake, thinking he's spreading cheer.  The whole town becomes a bunch of jerks and Bikini Bottom is in danger of not getting any Christmas presents!  It's up to SpongeBob to save the day!  Oh yeah....and Patrick is trying to set a trap to capture Santa so it can be Christmas all the time......

The FruitCake Mobile!  

Santa's a JERK!  You can tell cause his beard is dirty......

I'm not a hunge SpongeBob fan.....I've seen some episodes and they were amusing, but I found this to be quite a charming special.  It's got the trademark humor and it's pretty hilarious.  If you like the show, then you will definitely like the special.....and even those who are not avid SpongeBob fans should find plenty to like in this interesting holiday offering.  I hope that this paves the way for more specials like this.  The stop motion animation adds a timeless feel to it, which I think is really what made this work.  If it had been just another SpongeBob episode or regular cartoon animation, it would not have warrented a completel MC write-up and more than likely would have ended up just another episode on the SpongeBob DVD or Blu Ray Box Set.

Holy Giant Robo-SpongeBob, Batman!

If you didn't get to see it this past Friday, you can either buy the DVD, or you can rent it and stream it on Amazon or Netflix streaming.  I highly recommend that you check this one out!

Friday, November 23, 2012

And it begins.....Ho Ho Ho!

Well, just like that, Thanksgiving came and went.  I wanted to cover some more Thanskgiving themed stuff such as ThanksKilling and the cheesy comedy Home For The Holidays, but I guess those will have to wait until next year.  I simply wasn't able to make it happen.  But hey, we must move on.  It is Black Friday and Christmas is now full tilt boogie.  Let the Holiday Games begin!

So just like I did before, I'm going to get you all jazzed up for stuff I want to do this Holiday Season.  Will I get more done this month than I did last month?  Jeez, I hope so.  There is PLENTY of whacked out holiday themed movies/tv shows/weird stuff out there, so it's not like I can claim I have nothing to work with.  I would like to cover the Silent Night, Deadly Night series as well as Black Christmas, Christmas Evil and the very promising sounding Santa Clause vs Zombies.  We'll see what happens!

Meantime, dig on this little slice of Christmas cheer:  TREEVENGE!

SEE!  Sentient Christmas Trees as they fight back against their captors and tormentors.

SEE!  Your Town, USA turned upside down as the local neighborhood runs afoul of the deadly decorations.

SEE!  The snow turn crimson!

SEE!   TREEVENGE!!!!!!!!!!!


Thursday, November 22, 2012

Unexpected Horrors - Part 1

When I was a kid I was obsessed with monsters (a lot like now).  If the word monster was attached to something, I was all over it.  I lived for Creature Double Feature on the Saturday afternoons of my youth....and when I got a little older, TNT's MonsterVision was my Friday night horror crack.  Every time we went to the library, I would borrow the awesome Crestwood House Monster Books, or any of the other other books related to monster films that I could find.  I loved looking at the photos of all the various monsters and imagining what the movies might be like.

As I've mentioned before, I used to spend some weekends at my aunt's house.  She had a massive collection of VHS tapes.  A lot of them horror films, a lot of Twilight Zone, Outer Limit and Night Gallery Episodes (as well as the complete original Star Trek series!).  When I would go to spend the weekend, I would get pumped up for a slew of monster movies and tv shows.  As a matter of fact, this is where I really started to develop my love of the classic monsters.  I saw most of the classic Universal Monsters for the first time with my aunt.....a lot of my first Twilight Zone and Outer Limit episodes too.  I loved the monsters.  It didn't matter how goofy they were, I wanted more of them.  

One of my favorite things, as a young monster nerd was finding monsters in unlikely places.  There was nothing cooler than watching a non horror or sci-fi movie/tv show and discovering that there were monsters lurking there!  Listed here are three awesome monsters that I wasn't expecting to see when watching their respective films.  Two were fun and goofy and one scared the living shit out of me!  So with out further adieu, I give you my three favorite monsters in non-horror movies!

Of course if you haven't seen these movies, then naturally you may want to steer clear of these until you get to watch the films.  Avast ye mateys.....there be spoilers ahead!

3)  Chet Monster - Weird Science



First of all, Weird Science is hands down one of the greatest movies ever made.  I don't know a single guy who didn't wish that he was smart enough to create Kelly LeBrock using a Memotech MTX512 (with an FDX add on, natch) computer and a Barbie.  Don't even get me started on the incredible cast!  You've got Anthony Michael Hall, who of course starred in The Breakfast Club, National Lampoons Vacation (he passed on European Vacation to be in Weird Science!) and of course played the villainous Jim in Edward Scissorhands.  You've got Bill Paxton (Pvt. Hudson him self!  GAME OVER MAN!), you've got Robert Downey Jr, Suzanne Snyder (Night of the Creeps, Return of the Living Dead Part II and Killer Klowns From Outer Space!) and Robert Rusler who on the final day of shooting went for his audition for the part of Grady in Nightmare on Elm Street Part II:  Freddy's Revenge!  That, my friends is an insanely awesome cast list.....like most John Hughes movies.

Anyway, as I'm sure you are aware, Lisa is endowed (WELL endowed!) with supernatural powers and uses them to turn Chet into a Jabba The Hutt-esque monster after he hassles Wyatt and Gary after their big party.  The first time I saw Chet-Monster I thought it was the coolest damn thing I had ever seen!  He's huge and nasty and I could compare him to a Star Wars character, so I was beyond psyched.  Even though there was an altercation between Wyatt and Gary and a mutant motorcycle gang (Michael Berryman was a gang member!) I was still surprised by the Chet Monster.

2) Philo's Alien Form - UHF



I know I really shouldn't be surprised by anything that happened in Weird Al's feature film, but to be perfectly honest, I never saw this coming.  Let's be honest, UHF throws everything but the kitchen sink at ya, but when Philo morphs into an alien, it's a nice little WTF moment!  Interestingly, the role of Philo was originally written with Al's friend Joel Hodgson (of Mystery Science Theater 3000 fame) in mind.  The role was then offered to Crispin Glover, who turned it down because he was only interested in the role of Crazy Eddie, the car salesman who threatened to club baby seals to make a sale.  My last bit of Philotrivia for you is the fact that the character was named for Philo T Farnsworth, who was one of the inventors of television!  Look at that!  Ya got some new wrinkles in your brain there!

3) Large Marge - Pee Wee's Big Adventure



Of the three monsters/creatures featured on this list, THIS one scared the absolute shit out of me when I saw it as a kid.  There was absolutely NOTHING that had indicated that this horrifying claymation monster was going to appear until about a second beforehand.  The scene leading up to the monster reveal is pure horror camp.  Pee Wee is hitchhiking along a lonesome stretch of highway and gets picked up by an 18 wheeler.  Here was are introduced to it's driver, Large Marge.  A beefy and crusty old truck driver who doesn't say a word to Pee Wee until she starts to tell the tale of a horrible traffic accident she saw ten years earlier.  The whole sequence holds a certain campfire tale kinda feel to it, culminating in the monster jump scare.

I rented Pee Wee's Big Adventure on Friday night when my mom took me to the video store before we went grocery shopping.  She couldn't stand Pee Wee, but being a young boy, of course I thought Pee Wee's playhouse was awesome.  Anyway.....It bugged me the first time I saw it.  I genuinely creeped me out and when I tried to close my eyes that night, all I could see was Large Marge morphing into a bug eyed freak.  I thought about it all night long.  I obsessed over that nasty bizarre visage and when I woke up the next morning, the first thing I did was fire up the VCR and have another go at Large Marge.  This time, watching her transform over and over again, rewinding, replaying, playing in slo motion.  By lunchtime, I had probably watched the scene about 30 times.  It has since become one of my all time favorite scenes in any movie anywhere.  I don't know why.....I just like what I like, mmmmmkay?

I'm sure there will be more unexpected horrors that I want to talk about, which is why I conveniently labeled this as Part 1.  I dunno when Part 2 will come down the pike, but I'm sure it will rear it's ugly head eventually.  Meantime.....HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Garfield's Thanksgiving Special



In case you thought that perhaps Garfield was a one trick pony when it came to Holiday specials, you would be mistaken my friends.  Garfield also knocked out this Thanksgiving special in 1989.  I don't think this aired too often because I remember seeing it like once as a kid.  There is also a Christmas special that we'll get into next month!

The Thanksgiving special may not have the class and pizzazz of Garfield's Halloween Adventure, but it has that distinctive Garfield Special feeling.  They just don't make them like this any more.  Back in the day there would be big old ads in the TV Guide announcing the special.....there would be TV spots all day leading up to the special....and then just before it begins, they'd show one of those network "special presentation" bumpers.  You felt like you were about to witness something truly amazing.....something important.....something epic.  Nowadays the fanfare is silent for these long out of rotation specials, and it makes me sad.

This time around, Garfield discovers that Jon is scheduled to take him to the dreaded vet, and in an attempt to make Jon forget, Garfield removes a page from the daily calendar and discovers the next day is Thanksgiving.  Garfield excitedly shows the calender to Jon, who informs Garfield that they best go to the store to get all the food for their feast.

Ol' Garfield thinks he's in the clear until they're on their way home from the grocery store and Garfield realizes that they are NOT headed home.  Looks like Jon remembered the vet after all!  Turns out that Jon's got a crush on the good doctor and looks forwards to Garfield's check ups.  Watching him hit on Dr. Liz is hilarious and he finally gets her to agree to have Thanksgiving dinner by holding his breath until he turns blue.  The visit does not far so well for Garfield, who is put on a strict diet......which does not sit too well with him.

The next day, it becomes quite apparent that Jon has no idea how to put together a Thanksgiving Day meal.  After literally tossing the frozen turkey in the oven and turning up the heat way too high, Jon starts to "cook" the vegetables, which Garfield delights in sabotaging.  "If I can't enjoy Thansksgiving," he says "No one will!" with that Garfield covers the vegetables in garlic.

Well, Liz shows up and Jon is in deep trouble.  Trying to figure a  way out of his dire situation (he realizes that he has completely botched dinner) Garfield helps him figure out a solution.  GRANDMA!  As usual I won't spoil the end, but hey, it's Garfield...you KNOW everything is gonna work out just fine in the end!

Tape Mold Issue #1

In the year 2012, digital content reigns supreme.  Blogs, websites, databases, digital downloads, apps, Nooks, Kindles, digital subscriptions, etc.  We are briskly moving towards a completely paperless society.  Anything and everything you could possible want is available at the click of a mouse or press of a touchscreen.

On one hand, this is fantastic!  Never in a million years would my twelve-year-old-self have believed that I would eventually own more movies than my local Mom & Pop video shop....let alone the fact that I would be able to carry them virtually anywhere I wanted.  If I could go back in time and tell young me all of the wonders that the future would hold, I would have surely creamed myself.  But enough about my prepubescent ejaculatory problems, we're here to talk about an underground force that is day by day becoming stronger.  I am of course talking about the retrophile movement.  Particularly today, VHS collectors.

I was quite unaware for a very long time that anyone other than myself collected VHS tapes.  I mainly was just trying to recapture a little nostalgia from my youth.  It was the Video Invasion articles in Horror Hound Magazine that first opened my eyes to the fact that others shared my passion for the analog Video Home System.  Then I discovered Lunchmeat Magazine and found that there were those who obsessed over VHS on a level that I never even dreamed.  I was truly among my brethren.

And now there comes another stir from the VHS underground.  Ladies and gentleman, I give to you the mighty TAPE MOLD!  Tape Mold is the brain child of Dan Kinem, who runs VHShitfest. Being that I love VHShitfest so much, I ordered my subscription to Tape Mold immediately, and I wasn't sorry when Issue #1 landed in my mailbox.

Issue #1's main feature is the three page review of the 1991 SOV schlocker Hauntedween, which is further augmented by a four page interview with writer/director Doug Robertson.  As if THAT wasn't enough then there is a two page interview with Hauntedween actor Brien Blakely!  There is far more written on Hauntedween in these 24 pages then there are on the entire world wide web!  Okay so that may not be entirely true....but I think I can safely say that currently, this is the definitive work on the film!

We're also treated to a fascinating interview with co-director of Hellroller Stuart Wall!  Not only is it a very unique look at one of horrors more obscure and out there horror films, but you really must read it to find out about Stuart Wall's dealings with an infamous serial killer who....shall we say liked to kill young boys and bury them under his house.  Give you a hint.....Captain Spaulding took his que from this guy.

The real gem in this issue though is the article on one Mr. Gordy "The Pumpkin Man" Falk, the man who gave us the "now" legendary special interest tape, How To Carve Great Faces For Halloween.  Gordy was somewhat of a local celebrity in his hometown of Whitefish Bay, WI.  What follows is nothing short of a Jack 'O Lantern carving version of VH1's Behind The Music!  I kid you not!  This article serves as a reminder that though we are dealing in what is now the obscure and forgotten, it was once everything to their creators.

Video reviews include Macon County War and Back Street Hustle, as well as the abominable Haunted Howls CD that came with of the UAV release of Night of the Living Dead!   You are going to be hard pressed to find in-depth coverage of ANY of these items....but here they are treated with respect and a compassion that non collectors could never understand.  Dan will come right out and tell you that a movie is absolute crap and he'll even steer you in a better direction if he can, but despite his warnings, I still can't help but WANT to see these films for myself.  THAT is what Tape Mold brings to the table.  You don't feel like an alienated freak because you watch films that no one in your family, school/workplace, neighborhood, city, state or possibly country has ever even heard of.

People like Dan Kinem, Josh Schafer from Lunchmeat, Video Invasion Matt over at Horror Hound are keeping the nostalgic heart of VHS beating.  You owe it not only to yourself but to the rest of the retro-philes out there.  I truly believe that it is vitally important that we don't let these so called dead formats truly die.  As long as there are those who refuse to let our beloved VHS format sink into the quagmire of of forgotten obscurities, Tapeheads will live on forever.

I was quite fortunate enough to catch up with Dan and asked him some questions!



Tell us about the genesis of Tape Mold.  In the age of the internet, digital magazines, blogs, etc....what made you decide to put out a print 'zine?
Well, being a huge collector of physical media it was an obvious move for me to eventually do a physical 'zine. I love my website VHShitfest, but I wanted something I could hold and I also wanted to try out some new things with my writing. My girlfriend is great at layout and editing so we teamed up to create Tape Mold and the rest is history.


Tape Mold is an insanely cool title.  Many times a 'zine's name holds a certain meaning to it's creators.  What does Tape Mold mean to you?
I actually came up with the name Tape Mold a long time ago. I loved it. I thought it not only captured the fact I will be covering VHS-related topics but also the fact that the topics are often obscure and unknown. The name "Tape Mold" makes me think of myself digging in a dirty basement for the next topic or film I'm going to write about.


Tell us more about Adjust Your Tracking!
Adjust Your Tracking is a feature-length documentary that a friend of mine, Dabeedo, and I are doing. It's all about VHS collecting and culture. We have completed shooting all the interviews and are currently editing. We collected over 100 interviews with collectors, directors, video store owners, etc. It aims to explain why people still collect the format and why VHS is making a comeback. It should be screening sometime in the Spring so be on the look out, whether you're a VHS fan or not, this is going to be entertaining and informative to all.


How long have you been into the VHS collecting scene?
Well, when I first go into collecting VHS, which was around 2 years, I didn't know anyone else was doing it. I thought I was probably the only one because I didn't investigate online very much. I started my website VHShitfest and, without knowing it, was involved in the current VHS resurgence. I quickly began hearing people tell me that the website got them back into collecting or that it brought back memories and that's when I found out about the collector's group on Facebook and from that point on I have been all about it. I'm not the type of person to just be satisfied with only collecting something (not that there's anything wrong with that). I like to use my collection to create something or do something, and since collecting VHS I've held screenings, created Tape Mold, directed Adjust Your Tracking, created online videos, released VHS, etc.


What is it that drew you into collecting?  

I've always collected things. I love owning things, looking at them, trading them, etc. My house has always been filled with stuff since I was a little kid. Collecting movies was just a logical step since I'm a huge film fan and from about the 7th grade on I've always been into obscure cinema and as anyone who's into obscure film knows, a lot of it is solely on VHS.

What is your most prized VHS tape?
This is a hard one. I love my autographed Hellroller, my autographed Invasion of the Scream Queens, 555, Lunchmeat big box, Let's Play Dead, and so many more. I also really love my 90s Nickelodeon collection.


Correct me if I am wrong, but currently the one of the most sought after tapes is Tales from the Quadead Zone.  What are some of the factors that 
cause tapes such as this one to become such sought after collectors items?
Quadead is definitely one of the rarest VHS. This is because of how much mystery is surrounding the release and film itself. Many people didn't know if it even existed for a long time. It also happens to be directed by Chester Turner, who did Black Devil Doll from Hell which has been making the rounds among collector's and horror fans for decades. People want to see if it is on the same level as that movie. But the bottom line is not many copies of the movie were ever made and coming across one is extremely unlikely. But if you have one, hit me up! 


What advice and/or tips would you give to a budding VHS collector?

Ask around. Know someone who likes horror movies? Ask them if they have tapes. Know someone who knows someone who used to have a video store? Ask if they have any tapes left. Buy as many as you can for cheap and try to not spend insane prices on not super rare tapes, because that makes you look like a new collector and you'll also run out of money easily that way.

So, talk to us about one of your favorite films, Hellroller.  There is a fantastic interview with co-director Stuart Wall in issue #1.  How did you 
come to know Stuart?
Well, Stuart is a great guy. I think another friend of mine, Donald Farmer, put him in contact with me, actually. We got to talking and I knew he was the perfect person for an interview. Not only is he hilarious and has tons of stories to tell, but he directed one of the most interesting and obscure horror films I've ever seen. 


The surprise article for me in issue #1 was Pumpking - Gordy Falk: The Pumpkin Man, Myth & Legend.   What was it like interviewing his friends and ex-wife?

Thanks! It was amazing. I was so happy to be able to talk to people that know him and were able to shed light on his life and legacy. I was really happy that everyone I talked to was willing to open up and talk about him freely.

So what can we expect in future issues?
Well, with Issue Two we have tons of great stuff. I talked with Bret McCormick (The Abomination) and Glen Coburn (Bloodsuckers from Outer Space) about their film Tabloid, I have a few articles covering the never released "lost" 80s SOV anthology film, Southern Shockers, I talked with the queen of fat porn. Big Bad Bertha, and much more. This issue is nearly 50 pages long! In the future, though, I have some VHS cover artists I'm talking to, I'm going to have an interview with Ted Newsom about Blood Frenzy, and many other articles that I don't want to spoil!


RANDOM QUESTION TIME!!!!!!!!!!!


What is your all time favorite movie (any genre)?
Fanny and Alexander (the TV cut). It does everything that I think cinema is capable of doing. It's directed by my favorite director ever, Ingmar Bergman, and despite its 6 hour runtime, it is haunting, beautiful, and never boring.


What is your favorite movie snack?
Chinese. I love General Tso's chicken and Coca-Cola. I also love Satellite Wafers, which is an old candy that they barely make anymore. It is two tasteless wafers fused together and inside is a bunch of tiny balls that have a strange taste. Combine those two things together and it's gold.


What is the worst horror movie you've ever seen?
I fucking hated The Ripper with Tom Savini. Such a terrible movie. But the all-time worst horror movie in my eyes is Boondock Saints. Fuck that movie and anyone who likes it.


What got you into horror movies?
My dad enjoyed horror movies and showed me a few. I remember seeing my mom's favorite movie, Rosemary's Baby, and being terrified of it. I also remember renting all the obvious slashers and then moving into slightly more obscure stuff like Basket Case. It just kept growing and growing. It didn't hurt that I was surrounded by three video stores and have a small (but fun) horror festival in the town I live in.


Many of us Tapeheads spent many a Saturday at the local Mom & Pop video shops just wandering the aisles and admiring the treasure trove of 
VHS goodness.  What was the name of the video store you went to as a kid?  Do you remember the first horror flick you rented there?  Any other
fun video store memories?
I had two video stores I went to as a really young kid. It was Video USA and Reel Entertainment. I used to walk to both of them and just roam the stores and annoy the employees. I remember Video USA had a fishbowl that if you landed a quarter on the small circle inside you won a free rental. I got the technique down and won three free rentals for 75 cents before they decided to get a bigger bowl. I don't remember the very first horror movie I rented, but I do remember very, very early in life a video store went out of business and my dad bought a bunch of tapes. I distinctly remember Puppet Master very early in life. I remember being haunted by the fact there were dolls but you also saw tits.

Is there anything else you'd like to add?
Go to http://vhshitfest.storenvy.com to buy Tape Mold and go like Tape Mold 'Zine, Adjust Your Tracking, and VHShitfest on Facebook!




I'd like to thank Dan for taking the time to talk to us and for giving us Tape Mold!  Looking forward to Issue #2!!!!!

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Chrome and Hot Leather - 1971


I love the fact that there are so many different type of 'splotation movies.  All you gotta do is take any group, faction, occupation....or noun and verb for that matter....add the suffix 'splotation after it and BINGO!  Instant film genre!  There's Nunsploitation, Nazisploitation, Sexploitation, Blaxpoitation, Ozsploitation, Shocksploitation, Canuxsploitation.....and the list goes on and on.

Today we're looking at a fun little piece of Bikersploitation called Chrome and Hot Leather.  It's your standard revenge plot, but this is the ONLY place you will see the one and only Marvin Gaye as a Green Beret disguised as a biker.  It's actually pretty hilarious.  The film follows an army sergeant named Mitch who receives news that his fiancee has been killed in a car crash.  Upon arriving in his hometown to attend her funeral he discovers that her death was caused by a motorcycle gang.  Okay, so really, it was caused by ONE guy in the gang, who kinda looked like Ben Still did when in disguise in Starsky and Hutch......but I digress.  Mitch enlists the help of his fellow Sergeants and they pose as a small bike gang with some Kawasaki dirt bikes.  Apparently Kawasaki was a pretty big financier......

Mitch catches onto the trail of The Wizards, led by T.J.  They're not exactly the most frightening bunch of guys.  They are not particularly ill tempered and the most they do is really kinda mess up traffic a bit and fight among themselves.  Except for Casey...who is the lugnut that ran Mitch's girl off the road.

There is an absolutely hysterical scene in which Mitch enters The Wizards' local watering hole and T.J. takes notice.  He and (almost) the entire gang descend on him and it all stops as we hear bloops and beeps and bumps.  T.J. looks to the side and see's Gabe (one of the gang) playing a pinball machine.  The dialog that ensues is the stuff of cinematic Gold.


T.J. :  "Gabriel......."

GABE:  "Yeah?"

T.J.: (Glaring at Gabe)  "Can't you see I'm trying to menace someone?"



Best part of the whole damn movie right there!  I laughed so hard I nearly choked on my coke!  There's a few little gem moments like that throughout the film.  The plot moves a bit slowly....but that's okay.  The little moments like this make it worth the extra effort it takes to watch.  You WOULD think that with such a lurid title, this film would be balls to the wall biker action, but it's really not.  The fight scenes are pretty amusing....I've definitely seen worse, but they are FAR from believable.

The third act of course culminates in a knock down, drag out fight between the gang and our four intrepid heroes.  It's quite amusing to see the Sergeants execute their battle strategy against the bikers and there's a few really cool bits here and there.  At the end of the day, this is a PG-13 flick that could have been so much more.....but I will take it for what it is.

If you've got some time to kill, you do worse.  Chrome and Hot Leather is currently streaming on Netflix and there is an MGM Midnite Movies double disc that is also available, paired with The Miniskirt Mob.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Return To The Class of Nuk 'Em High Radioactive Teaser!!!!

Yes friends, coming soon to a radioactive cesspool near you is a brand new chapter in the Nuke 'Em High saga!  It's been nineteen years since Class of Nuke 'Em High 3: The Good, The Bad and the Subhumanoid, but this, the fourth installment looks like it's going to be a wild ride with the trademark Troma style.  You've got all the major staples in this teaser alone:  Boobs, Blood, Monsters, Mayhem.....it's all in there.

Return to the Class of Nuke 'Em High is slated to be released in 2013, which means none of us may get to see it, should the Mayan Apocalypse actually occur in 46 days....which I highly doubt....but I took the day off anyway just in case.

Anyway, don't get all gloomy thinking about our impending doom....enjoy this INCREDIBLY NSFW teaser of Return to the Class of Nuke 'Em High!  Seriously....don't even THINK about watching this trailer at work, school, your grandmother's house, in front of your parents, at the library, etc, etc...Midnight Cinephile is not responsible of any detentions or written warnings that may occur should you not heed our advice.  Okay?  Good.