Saturday, December 22, 2012

Santa Claus - Possibly The Creepiest Film Ever.

Santa Claus
Directed by Rene Cardona
Starring Jose Elias Moreno, Cesáreo Quezadas 'Pulgarcito', José Luis Aguirre 'Trotsky'  & Armando Arriola

Tag Lines 
An Enchanting World of Make Believe!

Bursting upon our BIG SCREEN in all the colors of the rainbow... a prize-winning blue ribbon treat for old and young alike! Here's something for the whole family to see together!

See All the Weird and Wonderful Characters of Make-Believe! The Fantastic Crystal Work-Room of the Happy Elves! The Fabulous Realm of the Candy-Stick Palaces!

At Last a Movie That's All About Him!

Better Than a Visit From Saint Nick Himself!

No Alternative Titles

Oh man.  I don't know where to start with this one.  In the grand tradition of extremely messed up Christmas stuff, we get Santa Claus.  A Mexican film from 1959.  This absolutely gets classified under the "must-see" category of bad Christmas movies.  Where else are you going to see Santa Claus fighting a red spandex clad demon?

It's Pitch!!!!!
In this wonky Christmas trashterpiece, Lucifer sends Pitch, a red devil to Earth to cause children to behave badly.... henceforth disrupting Christmas.  Santa, whose palace is basically a giant hovering UFO palace spies on Pitch's activities through some extremely fucked up devices that I am assuming are possibly bio-mechanical.  There is a telescope with an eyeball on the end, there is a radar/parabolic ear - with a friggin EAR on it! - and quite possibly the creepiest device is a God-knows-what with a giant pair of lips on it.  It looks like some kind of fucked up alien blowjob device for giants.  Santa is one sick bastard, I'll tell you what.  I don't even want to get into the
Creepy Merlin helps Creepy Santa.
fact that there are no elves.  Nope....apparently Santa's taken children from Earth to work at his shop/palace.  On them kids on the side of the milk carton?  Santa took them.  Freak.

Before Santa goes to Earth, he needs some help from his assistant, Merlin.  Yep.  You read that right.  Merlin.  Most powerful wizard in all the world (yes even more powerful than Harry Potter!), once most trusted adviser to King Arthur is now Santa's assistant.  Bet ya didn't see that once coming, did ya? Oh it gets even better:  Not only does Santa have Merlin squirreled away in his floating palace of mysterious wonders, but he's also got Vulcan in there!  Not the planet, or the pointy eared species from Star Trek.  I'm of course referring to the Roman God of Beneficial and Hindering Fire.....aka the Greek God Hephaestus.
What the hell is this?  Santa's Gloryhole?

This is one film that simply has to be seen to be believed.  There is just so much whacked out imagery going on that it's impossible to accurately describe how wonky it truly is.  If you are a fan of not only bad cinema, but bad Christmas cinema, then you owe it to yourself to see this one.  Some may find it a bit of a tough watch, but if you're in the right mindset (and have plenty of egg nog) then you'll be all set!

Midnight Tally

Body Count:  Nope.  Though I do wonder what has become of those child slaves that Santa keeps!

Boob Count:  Of course not, you perverts!

Monster Count:  Well, we've got Pitch.  He's a dude wearing a red spandex devil suit with red facepaint.  I think that counts.

Final Thoughts

I'm not going to lie, this one had me wondering more than once what the hell the filmmakers were thinking about.  The whole giant floating palace full of child workers and bio-mechanical devices seemed like some kind of low rent fever dream that I might have had after eating a bad Swiss Colony cheese & meat platter.  Yet, I can't help but find a certain wonky charm about it.  This would make a good double bill with Santa Claus Conquers The Martians.

Final Rating

Three out of Five Pizza Rolls

No comments:

Post a Comment