Loony In The Woods - A Modern Video Nasty

Loony in the Woods
2013
D: Leo Leigh
W: Leo Leigh

S: Leo Leigh, Oliver Maltman, Dean Puckett 
Unrated - Approx 70 Min
Troma

Taglines:
 - If You Go Down To The Woods Today.....

Alternate Titles:
None

  "Can I have the lamb stew?"
                                      -Fanny

Nice gloves!

You know, there is an amazing phenomenon that occurs when you are going down the rabbit hole that is Amazon Instant Video.  For instance....when you are searching for films, say by genre, you are given the option to check out a list of films that are similar to the one you are currently looking at.  If you start doing this long enough, you will end up in a place that contains films like Loony in the Woods.

Loony in the Woods was originally filmed in 2007, where it then sat on the shelf for 6 for six years until it was discovered by Troma and picked up for distribution.  Troma decided to make Loony in the Woods a VHS only release and it went on sale in 2013.  Somewhere between then and now, it became digitally available on Amazon Instant Video.  

Working out with Bouffe!

Meet Buttons!

The film follows a rather misogynistic  fitness instructor named Bouffe and his pals as they take a camping trip to - where else?- the woods!  Bouffe's brother wears a strange contraption on his neck that allows him to communicate.  It's a like a jacked up, homemade voice box......though it seems to speak for him....his mouth never moves...which is fine because you can't understand a damn thing the machine says anyway.  His name is Buttons.

As for the rest of the cast, there's a big breasted chick who likes to manhandle dudes (and she may or may not have some sort of psychic powers, there's a meek blonde and her shy redheaded friend.  Some dude with brown hair that seems to do the majority of grilling.......and that's about it.  The characters are there simply to serve as fodder.  

This is weird.  Really weird.  I mean like way beyond Devo and Yes mixed together weird.

It's the Loony!

The film is only just over an hour, so we don't have to wait long for the carnage to begin.  As a matter of fact we're treated to two murders before the opening credits!  A girl is choked to death and a guy takes a hatchet to the back of the head. The first night goes fine for the group, except for a very strange guitar/electronic beatbox tune played by Bouffe and Buttons.  It's totally off the wall and totally goofy and I think that I very well may make it my ring tone.  I may use it to make those record-your-own-message-greeting-cards and send them to friends and family.  I think they'll like that.  

Who am I kidding?

Eye see you!

That is going to cause a massive headache.....

Anyway, when the gore hits, it's balls out ridiculous ultra low budget gore, and I'll go more into detail in the designated GORE section at the end when I run the film's totals.  For now, I'll suffice to say it's extremely cheap and hilarious and it goes a long way to lending the film a certain charm.  Strangely after each murder, as the shot lingers on the corpse, the screen itself turns red.  Kinda weird.  Kinda pointless, but hey...whatever.  

LitW does a great job of emulating the type of films that would have been labeled Video Nasties back in the 80's.  The whole package has a great retro feel to it....as a matter of fact when I first started watching, I thought I might have actually stumbled across some lost British SOV slasher flick!  I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that this flick doesn't get seen to often.  I've yet to find an actual review online (YAY ME!  FIRSTIES!) and the IMDb page doesn't even have complete information on it.  

He looks like he could use a hand.                Too soon?

What the fuck happened to her???!??

No Buttons, No!!!!!!  This scene was shocking. 

It's like I'm now part of some ultra elite and secretive club that's seen this movie.  If there's not a club then there should be and I'm just the guy to start it.  We're gonna have a secret clubhouse, with a secret password to get in.....secret handshakes, decoder rings, t-shirts....the whole nine yards!  You are SO going to want in on this one!

GORE
Oh yes, there is gore!  A man gets his arms chopped off after having his face slammed down on a blazing hot grill.  A girl has fireworks strapped to her head and ignited.  There's a head impalement complete with eye poking out of the head, a nasty electrocution and another victim (shown on the box art) has their face completely removed, leaving a nasty, bloody mess.

T&A
Nothing!  We get to see some women exercising in Bouffe's class, but that's about as racy as it gets.....oh except for a brief make-out scene between the big breasted manhandling possibly psychic chic and the brown haired grill guy....but still....no skin.

MONSTERS
There's a Loony in the Woods!  Said Loony wears a too-large for his head ski mask, a plaid shirt, and pants with rope used for a belt.  We DO get to see his face at the end.......and he's just some redneck dude.  Huh.  Go figure.  


FINAL THOUGHTS
Like I said before, the film does an excellent job of emulating the SOV slasher flicks of the 80's that would have filled up video shops of the time.  I could absolutely see this being added to the list of Video Nasties.  It's not a good film by any means.  The plot is threadbare.  The actors are about on par with local access TV and the sounds is absolutely atrocious.  You can barely make out what people are saying most of the time.  HOWEVER!  If you're in the mood for that sort of thing, then you're probably going to get a kick out of Loony in the Woods.  Definitely a flick to watch with friends over beer and pizza.  Add a little MST3K style commentary and a good time should be had by all!
\

Shadow of the Loony.

                                     

Woodchipper Massacre - Home Alone Hack 'Em Up

Woodchipper Massacre
1988
Directed by Jon McBride
Written by Jon McBride (idea by Glen Skaggs)
Starring Jon McBride, Denice Edeale & Tom Casiello

Not Rated - Runtime Approx 80 Min


Tagline:
- How much flesh could a woodchipper chip, if a woodchipper could chip flesh?


Alternate Titles:
None






"Aunt Tess was right...once you start working with meat, it's not that bad!"
                                                                                                                      - Denice

There is nothing that I don't love about this!

Woodchipper Massacre is a fun little SOV horror flick that's played more for laughs than anything.  It starts with a little text scroll telling us about the amount of unsolved murders and disappearances in the U.S. and then kindly informs us that this is such a story.

Tom and Denice in all their 80's glory.  Rock that sweater Denice!

I really had a good time with this one.  It's got all the hallmarks of a great SOV horror flick.  The acting is absolutely horrendous;  the special effects are pretty wonky, yet still fun (though they are quite minimal for a film with MASSACRE in the title!); and there is a lot of regional charm shining through.

Dad shares some expository dialog with Jon

He must be going to an Ugly Sweater Party....

Jon (played by McBride) and his two younger siblings Denice and Tom are left in the care of their militant Aunt Tess for the weekend because their father is going on a business trip.  Right off the bat things are bad when Aunt Tess arrives.  She's a self righteous old pip who you would expect to see yelling at kids to get off of her lawn.  She completely takes over the house and regardless of whatever rules their father had in place, Aunt Tess had her own set of rules that will be obeyed at all times.....or else!

Ngyaaah!  RUN!  It's Aunt Tess!!!!!!!!!

Things continue on with Aunt Tess insulting and berating the kids, calling them stupid, ignorant, slobs and any number of other things.  Jon isn't allowed to go on a date with his girlfriend.  The kids aren't allowed to watch a horror movie on TV, forced to clean and do ridiculous chores, etc.  When Tom finally receives his official Rambo Survival Knife that he's been waiting to get for six weeks, Aunt Tess tries to take it away from him.  He defies her and in the struggle, Aunt Tess gets the business end of the knife and dies.

Looks like all work and no play is what Aunt Tess has in store for Jon.

Aunt Tess wags a knife at Denice as she shows her how to prepare meat.  Ironic, isn't it?

Aunt Tess show have just let Tom keep his knife.

Rather than telling anyone what happened, the kids decide to dispose of Aunt Tess in the woodchipper and tell their Dad that she left early before he came home.  This is where things start getting fun.  They decide that it might not work just throwing her in whole.  After all, she's all soft and the woodchipper is designed to chip up hard material like wood.  So what do they do?  Hack her up and put her in the freezer for a few hours, that's what!  With Aunt Tess freshly frozen solid, the three then proceed to toss her body parts in the chipper one by one.

"Oh no!  Aunt Tess is dead!  What do we do?"
 "To the woodchipper!"

"First we'll have to do some trimming...."

The last of Aunt Tess gets dropped in the chipper.....

Thinking that they've cleaned up their mess the kids go about their weekend.  Things are going fine until Aunt Tess' delinquent, druggy son shows up demanding money.  Well, clearly he can't stay around, so it's back to the woodchipper for another round of chew 'em up.

The fact that the whole thing is presented more as a straight out comedy is what makes the whole thing work.  The only thing missing is a canned sitcom laugh track.  Though the subject matter would be extremely dark in someone else's hands, Jon McBride infuses a real sense of fun into the film.  Watching the kids try to clean everything up and "beat the clock" before their father comes home brings to mind any number of teen comedies from the 80's.

Cousin Kim stops by for an unscheduled visit

I guess we'll see on the chipper handles soft flesh now!

Pretty darn well, apparently!

Woodchipper Massacre was shot on a SUPER VHS camcorder on a budget of $400 in Connecticut, with most of that budget going into the woodchipper rental.  The fact that a film literally shot in Jon's backyard with a consumer grade camcorder and some local theater folks found worldwide distribution is pretty amazing.  Films like this paved the way for others in the SOV field and to this day many a backyard filmmaker owes a debt to Jon McBride.

Midnight Cinephile Tally

Death Toll:  Two!  Not exactly a massacre.....but hey who am I to nitpick?

Nude O Meter:  Not even the slightest bit of skin.

Things That Go Bump In The Night:  I think Aunt Tess would fall into this category.  Good God that woman was a miserable clam!

Final Thoughts
As I said before, I had a lot of fun with this film.  Sure there's only two deaths and the story may run a bit slow at time, but you'll be see busy laughing at the scene chewing that is running rampant you won't notice.  Oh, I almost forget to mention, Aunt Tess is played by non other than Jon McBride's Mom!  How awesome is that?  If you've yet to see this one, do so immediately!

Final Rating
Four out of Five Pizza Rolls

Feeders (1996)

Yup....this is gonna be GOOD!

There have been many famous siblings throughout cinematic history.....The Baldwin Brothers, Emilio and Charlie, The Bridges Brothers, Joan and John Cusack, etc.   However, there is one family name in particular that really gets my blood pumping:  The Polonia Brothers.  Mark and John Polonia are the SOV masterminds who created the 1987 epic Splatter Farm and had been making no budget flicks right up until John's untimely death in 2008.

It's one of them thar flyin' saucers!

Back in 1996, The Brothers Polonia, collaborating with Cannibal Campout director Jon McBride, unleashed their Sci-Fi masterpiece, Feeders.  Shot for about $500, the wrote, directed and John and Jon starred in the tale of an invasion of aliens hungry for human flesh.  The story follows friends Derek (McBride) and Bennett (Polonia) as they embark on a road trip to The Ocean.  Yep, apparently they aren't going to the beach....they're headed straight to The Ocean.  Once there, it's Bennett intention to get down and busy with bikini clad beach babes.  Derek is more interested in photography and taking pictures of their trip.

Our Intrepid "Heroes"

The aliens waste no time and beam down about 5 minutes in.  Then there's about 15 minutes of footage of the aliens stalking a fisherman and such.  The POV shots from the alien's perspective is done in negative......which is a slightly annoying effect, but it does add a little bit of a creep factor to it.  The aliens themselves are absolutely hysterical!  There are two of them (well, two puppets....I'm not sure how many aliens are supposed to be running around...because they are all represented by the same two puppets!) and they are both equally craptastic.  They kinda look like muppet versions of the common descriptions of "Greys".  Even better...they have non-moving mouths....which is a bit ironic because they're FEEDERS.....just saying.

Alien Flesh Eaters!

Run for your lives!

 Passing through town and stopping at a gas station, Bennett puts the ol' charm on and talks one of the local girls into calling up her friend for a little double date action.  This scene is friggin hilarious to me because Bennett is such a horndog.  Derek goes into the store to buy more batteries and film and when he comes out, Bennett tells him about their pending double date.  Derek seems less than thrilled.  Apparently this isn't the first time ol' Bennett has been consorting with the locals.  I don't know why, but the scene cracks me the hell up.  So much so that I've decided to let you watch it yourself.  You're welcome.

See?  That was some amazing acting there, wasn't it?  You should see the phone call scene between Donna and Michele (the boy's potential "dates").  It's one of the best "bad acting" scenes I've ever laid witness too!  Pure awesome-sauce!

Well, our boys are on their way to set up their campsite when they hit the fisherman from earlier with their car.  Being the Good Samaritans that they are, they check on him to make sure he's okay.  "What if he's still alive?"  Bennett asks.  What indeed.  The answer?  Bring him to the nearest doctor's office!  Not a hospital....not an emergency room....nope.....a doctors office.  Cause bringing him to the family physician is definitely gonna be the best place for him to get care!  Anyway, the guy is mumbling about "little men" as the boys manhandle him and shove him into the backseat of their convertible.....head first of course!

Girls????

Sadly, Mr. Fisherman doesn't make it.  Apparently this is no big deal because the doctor tells them that they have to fill out some paperwork....next thing ya know they're back on their way.....no worse for the wear.  They decide to set up camp and wait for the girls to arrive.  Oh yeah, that's actually not going to happen because they've been "eaten" by aliens.

Well once out in the woods, Bennett and Derek stumble across a decapitated head.  Skin's gone....eyes still in sockets....top of the skull is gone but the brain is apparently mostly intact.  It's hilarious!  One of the few gore effects in the film.  An alien springs up and attacks out heroes.  It spits acid at them and burns Derek's hand.  They boys run back to the car, but it's dead, so they start to run.

Really?  The Feeders didn't eat the eyes?  That's the best part!

They come across an isolated house where all the residents have already been murdered by the invading forces of flesh munching aliens.  The fellas check the house out for other extraterrestrial intruders and then huddle up and try to form a plan.   That's when the UFO settles over the house and the "climax" of the film takes place.  I won't tell you what happens, but I will tell you that it is nothing short of pure cinematic cheese of the highest degree.

At least she still has her hair!

I have to give The Polonia Bros. and Jon McBridge credit.  Not only did they make a fun SOV sci-fi/horror flick and do it Guerrilla style (for instance filming at that gas station without permission.....or Jon McBride running down a quiet suburban street at 5 in the morning yelling about aliens) but they also managed to get their film distributed through Blockbuster Video.  This largely had to do with the fact that Independence Day was a huge hit and Blockbuster wanted an alien invasion film to cash in on it's success and in turn found quite a bit of success in it's own right through rentals.

This movie has a certain something.  A certain charm.....a certain Je ne sais quoi.  There's a feeling a fun that permeates the film.  Even better, if you happen to have the Double Feature DVD (it includes Feeders II: Slay Bells...YES!) like I do, then you also get some great interviews with both brothers as well as McBride.  I loved the story that McBride tells about his excitement for the UFO interior scenes only to find that the set was simply some aluminum foil placed on the ground.  If you are an aspiring filmmaker, then you need to watch these interviews AND these films for inspiration.

"Holy shit, we got picked up by Blockbuster!!!"

I will be reviewing Feeders II:  Slay Bells a little closer to Christmas, because it is now one of my all time favorite Christmas themed movies!  Four words for ya:  Santa Kicking Alien Ass!!!  Until then, you need to track down this movie.  It may not be easy if you are looking to own it (and you SHOULD) because the DVD is now OOP, but you can rent them from Blockbuster Online and Netflix.  You can still find VHS and DVD copies on E-bay and Amazon, but sometimes they can get a bit pricey.  At any rate, if you love SOV cheese-fests then you need to do yourself a favor and watch FEEDERS!

Die-B-Que

From Warlock Home Video comes....Die-B-Que!

Every now and then, a film such as The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is branded as an ultra-violent bloodbath, despite the fact that the film is actually nearly bloodless (I am of course speaking of the original, not he '03 redux!).  Sometimes a film manages to ratchet the tension and does such a fantastic job of allowing the audience to imagine the horror for themselves that, after viewing the film, it will seem much more violent and harrowing than what was physically depicted on screen.

Die-B-Que claims that it has been called "!The Most Brutal Film Of All Time!".
Is it?
Nope.
Does it, like TCM, create such an intense experience that it seems more violent?
Nope.  Not even remotely.

The Warlock welcomes you

But you know what?  That is what I love about it.  Warlock perfectly emulates the over-hyped plot synopses that were found on the back of many a VHS box in Mom & Pop video shops around the world.  Low budget movies, especially a lot of the SOV films would hype themselves up with fantastic artwork and overblown plot synopses on the back of the box.  Using phrases like "Many have called this movie...." and "See the film many are saying....." allows the film makers to lay claim to hyperbole such as being "The Most Brutal Film Of  All Time" without actually having to worry about quoting someone.  Quite clever actually.

Lance is ready to Par-TAY!

So what is Die-B-Que?  It's a 35 minute romp of retro fun that, at times, really captures the 80's SOV feel of films such as Cannibal Campout, Video Violence or any number of films by the Polonia Bros.  Being a fan of DIY cinema, I had a lot of fun with this film.  I do have one minor complaint and it is this:  Warlock does a fantastic job of trying to emulate the entire 80's SOV experience.  At the same time, it IS also a satire of the sub-genre and that is fine, but this is where my complaint comes in.  At times, the actors try a little too hard to make it seem amateur and the line delivery is overblown.  Also the characterizations tend to be a tad overtly stereotypical.  Now, again, these are meant to be homages and love letters to the camcorder days of backyard horror, but at the same time they're poking fun at them and I get that.  Sometimes, however, I found myself wishing that it was really a straight laced attempt at emulation.

Hey Dudes!  Welcome to the BBQ!

So having said that, I suppose you would like to know what it's about!

Just.  Ridiculous.

DIE-B-QUE!!!!

"Okay seriously...this happened to a friend"

Brody and his girlfriend Moon Beam go to a BBQ thrown by Brody's friends DJ and Rick.  They are joined by their friend Lance and Axe, a girl that he met the night before.  Apparently the BBQ is a two day event.  The first day most of them sit around drinking and playing Suits while Moon Beam and Brody have one of the most hilarious love scenes ever committed to videotape.  I can never listen to Aaron Neville again with a straight face.  They tell some ghost stories and then call it a night.

Carlos Spiceyweirner?

Everybody Wang Chung Tonight!

 Day 2 is BBQ day, which Rick seems to think is going to be the most epic BBQ of all time.  Well, the festivities get underway.....hotdogs and chips are consumed, beer is drank....there's dancing....sorta.....all is fun and games until a crazy diseased little rat invades the party and unbeknownst to everyone, pisses green stuff all over the steak.  Well, you can guess what happens after the steak is consumed.  People die.....and re-animate!

Eeeewwwwww.......

Yer gonna need some TUMS!

I would have liked to see more of the zombie action, as it really only takes place at the end, but still I can't complain!  If you are looking for a fun way to spend a little more than half an hour, there are far worse ways that Die-B-Que!

As far as extra features there's an interview with "Director" Jackson Furley, which is pretty amusing.  There is also some behind the scenes stuff that is fun to watch as well.  The Warlock himself introduces the film and has a few outgoing words as well, which I thought was a nice touch!

He's beyond TUMS

Coming up with be a review of Hack O'Lantern....also from Warlock.....so stay tuned!