Monday, January 4, 2016

America 3000 - Chuck Wagner vs The Warrior Women!

America 3000
D: David Engelbach
W: David Engelbach

S: Chuck Wagner, Laurene Landon & William Wallace
Rated PG-13 - Approx 92 Min.
Golan-Globus/The Cannon Group

 - Back to the beginning

 - An outrageous post-nuke adventure

Alternate Titles:
America 3000:  Thunder Fighters  -  Spain (Video Title)

"What the Presi says, the Presi does!"
                                                       - Korvis

Well right off the bat, we know we're dealing with a cannon film, so we know that it's going to be pure awesome-sauce.  This flick definitely ranks up there with the likes of A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell, The New Barbarians, Warriors of the Lost World and other such post-apocalyptic wackiness.  This is exactly the kinda flick that I would find myself watch late on a Friday or Saturday night on USA Up All Night.

It's the year 2890.....900 years after the "Great Nuke" that destroyed the world.  The Earth is now dominated by Amazonian women split into various factions.  Men are used as either manual labor (Machos) or sex slaves Seeders.....solely for the purpose of breeding more women....or Frau as they are called).  A young seeder named Korvis breaks free and grows up to be Chuck Wagner.  Korvis learns to read out of a child's alphabet book and slowly forms his own tribe of liberated men, who start to organize to strike back against the oppressive Fraus.

Yep, it's Automan himself!  CHUCK WAGNER! ends up finding the 900 year old remains of the presidential bunker, which still remarkable has power.  He finds a cache of weapons and a boombox and sets out to end the war of the sexes once and for all.  His golden radiation suit gleaming in the sunshine, he rides his steed back to the men's camp, blasting hair metal out of his boombox.....which I guess had some damn good Duracell batteries in it!

Korvis arranges a meeting with Vena, the leader of the local Frau tribe (the leaders are called Tiaras) in hopes that he can talk to her and make her see the error of her ways.  Unfortunately Lakella (Vena's sister) is a blood thirsty man hater who wants to destroy every bit of testosterone in sight.  She's sort of a bitch.  Which is hot.  In that mean pretty girl kinda way.

Will Korvis and Vena find common ground?  Can men and women live together in harmony?  Watch America 3000 to find out!

Vena and her Warrior Women!

There is a bit of a barrier to entry in this flick, which is the fact that inexplicably, the filmmakers decided that in this post apocalyptic world there's a no lingo that everyone speaks.  Some words are made up.  Other words are given different meanings.  For example:  Negi means no.  Scan means to look.  Woggo means crazy.  Cold means you'll hear alot of sentences that sound like this:

"Negga.  Don't go there.  That woggo Frau will scan you and you'll end up cold!"

At first I thought this was going to be a major problem, but truth be told after a little while, I picked up the lingo and had no problems keeping up with the wonky dialog.  So long as you keep and open mind and open ears, you'll be fine.

Nice duds, El Presidente!

I've gotta give a special shout out to the best character in the whole damn flick:  Aargh the Awful.  A mutant Bigfoot like beast who the Frau keep caged up for warrior training.  He's gawdamn amazing.  The final freeze frame of the movie involves Aargh and I've gotta tell you, I think it just might be the best freeze frame I've ever seen in my entire life.  Seriously.  It's THAT good.

Aargh The Awful!
Ranking in John Stanley's Creature Features:
One Star.     *

There's a little blood here and there, but nothing major.  This is a PG-13 movie, after all.

Nope.  Nada.  Which is really's a Cannon film, damnit!

Aargh the Awful!  He's so damn awesome.  I might start a hair metal band and name it after him.

Aargh is just so damn awesome!

Final Thoughts:
Like I said before, this flick reminds me of the kind of late night flicks I used to watch on USA Up All Night and I felt quite nostalgic watching it.  I almost felt like I was back in my childhood bedroom with a bag of Dorito's and a Dr. Pepper.

Being the kind of guy that I am, I've included a small clip of the film below.  In this scene, Lynka is about to get seeded by a strapping young fellow.  I think that the may have missed the ball in the music department though, so I gave them a bit of a hand.  Enjoy!

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