Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Top Ten Goofy Lookin' Aliens

Mondays.  The baine of my existence.  So what better way to end a long Monday than to compile a list of some of the goofiest damn extraterrestrials to grace the celluloid format!  I know, I know....no need to thank me.....the good Wizard loves you and wants you to have these kind of nice things.

But lets just jump right into this list and get this party rolling

In no particular order:

#10)  Poop Head - Bad Channels

This guy's head pretty much looks like a pile of crap with a porthole in it.  This dude, along with a little robot guy with a visible brain in his glass dome head take over a radio station in a small podunk town.  Using radio frequencies they target young women, cause them to hallucinate that a rock band is playing near them and then as they prance around as if in the band's music video they're zapped into a tiny glass bottle at the radio station.  Say what?  Yeah.  I know.  It's awesome.  After getting sprayed with some Lysol, Sir Poop Head here turns into a long necked.....er.....thing that looks like a reject from Fraggle Rock.  If you like cheesy ass aliens, seek out Bad Channels!

#9)  The Thing In The Basement - Fright Show

The Thing in the Basement was the final short in the anthology movie called Fright Show (aka Cinemagic).  This guy crash lands on earth....right through a guys house and into his basement.  Having been disturbed from thier poker game due to the ruckus, the guys decide to go investigate.  Being a rather impulse fellow, The Thing blasts him with some animated yellow energy balls.  Turns out he's not such a bad guy after all though, because he feels bad for killing thier friend and joins in thier poker game.

#8)  TAV - Attack From Mars

I really didn't know what else to call this guy.  He looks like a mobile vagina with appendages.  He stalks the patrons on a small hick town movie theater while they watch a sci-fi movie called Space Patrol.  While the movie with-in the movie is going on, TAV munches on the theater staff.  Conveniently for the folks at the theater, he doesn't eat the projectionist until after the movie has ended....then bursts into the theater itself.  Now this is why I call him TAV.  It stands for Tasty Alien Vagina.  Why?  Because a rather large woman with a very healthy appetite eats it.  Yep.  You read that right.

#7)   The Evil Overlord  -  Howard The Duck

Oh boy.  Where do I start with this guy.  Okay so, first he possess Dr Jennings (Jeffery Jones...who does a good job of being creepy and corny at the same time....no easy feat, I assure you!)  And as you watch the possessed Dr Jennings grow in power, you start to think to yourself "Whoa!  Evil Overlord must be a pretty wicked badass!"  Nope.  He's not.  He looks like the love child of a lobster and a potato.  I dunno. When we finally get a look at this goober, it is definitely NOT what we were expecting.  Still a cool movie.....just a goofy friggin alien Evil Overlord!

#6)  Claymore and Harryhausen  -  Laserblast

So these two geniuses (whom I named myself) accidently leave a high powered alien laser weapon in the desert after vaporizing some alien/human hybrid that was running around the desert blowing shit up.  Another kid, rummaging around in the desert finds said weapon, becomes the same kinda green faced weirdo and blows more shit up.  These two make a galactic U-turn and zap him too.  These guys get points for being stop motion animated....but they're still insanely goofy lookin.  I mean seriously....they're like bipedal turtles with no shells and golden gloves and boots.  Some how I can't help that feel that Kevin Eastman saw these guys when he was doodling and thus the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were born.*

*Of course I know this wasn't the case.....simply a fanciful daydreem.

#5)   The Nightbeast  -  Nightbeast

Is it me or does this dude kinda look like a hair-less Rawhead Rex on steriods?  And by "on steroids"  I don't mean like pumped up and badass...I mean more like brainless and wetting the bed.....with possible a high voice.  Do you think that perhaps his mouth ever dries out because it's perpetually open?  I mean seriously....he's got to get some serious cotton mouth!  Can you imagine accidentally biting your lip or the inside of your cheek with those friggin chompers?  Well, now that I think about, that would explain why he never closes his mouth.  I don't think he blinks either. Oh yeah, and he runs around in a silver jogging suit........

#4)   Alien Bigfoot  -  The Alien Factor

An extreterrestrial-inside-out-bigfoot-thing.  Yep.  And he's one of the good guys!  I like to believe that this is what the people of Jupiter's Seventh Moon, Ganymede look like.  It's farther away from the sun, and usually hidden in the shadows of the 62 other moons (not to mention Jupiter itself), which explains the glowing eyes.  And the gravity is all messed up being around so many other moons, which turned it's denizens inside out.  So you see, it really was a no brainer figuring out where this mutha-trucker was from.  Although looking at the hair, he could be confused with Gene Simmons as a severe burn victim.......

#3)  Tiny  - The Day Time Ended

This goofy bastard appears after a flying vacuum cleaner starts attacking a family at a secluded desert home.  Between the his mostly toothless mouth, and his vacant stare, you can't help but think that he rode the short bus on the way to alien monster school.  He probably had his lunch money stolen and got beaten up on the playground on a fairly regular basis.  In high school, he never did his homework because he was too busy with his Dungeons and Dragons group.  After graduation, the only job he was qualified for was Z films.  Such a shame.....perhaps if there were a Sylvan Learning Center on his planet he could have grown up to be in a much more expensive movie and could have gotten some help with his looks.   Poor Tiny.

#2)    Xenobia  -  Dr. Alien

Xenobia here came to Earth with her assistant Drax looking for a cure to her planets problem with impotent males.  Well, I'll tell you what....if the chicks on Earth had a giant bulbous blue head and reptilian eyes, I would probably be having problems having Commander Winkie stand at attention as well.  Of course then again, if that was what they looked like, I'd probably be used to it.  Maybe she's actually really hot.  Hhhhmmmm....the silver space suit definitely isn't helping. 

#1)  La Carcagne -  The Giant Claw

This has got to be, hands down one of the goofiest looking creatures ever to grace the silver screen.  When the film starts, we're told of various UFO sightings....something "the size of a battleship!".  Well as it turns out, the UFO turns out to be a Giant Antimatter Space Buzzard from another galaxy. HOLY CRAP!  This sounds totally insane, I know.  Visions of Hollywood summertime blockbuster movies fill your head.  There's a pretty big build-up.....until finally we see.......this.  What the holy hell is this?  It's a muppet on a rampage!  It's like Jim Henson's version of The Brood....only with Giant Antimatter Space Buzzards from another galaxy.  I just like the way that sounds.....Giant Antimatter Space Buzzard from another galaxy.  I think I just convinced myself that this movie needs to be remade......Rob Zombie directing, with a script by Guillermo Del Torro and starring Angela Bettis and Danny Trejo.   I'd watch that!

So there ya go....some truly goofy aliens for your enjoyment!  I should note that just because thier goofy, doesn't mean that I don't love 'em, cause I do!  You should seek out each and every movie on this list!  Enjoy!

No comments:

Post a Comment