Almost Human - Invasion of the Body Slashers

Almost Human
2013
Directed by Joe Begos
Written by Joe Begos

Starring Graham Skipper, Josh Ethier &
Vanessa Leigh 

Unrated - Approx 80 Min
Channel 83 Film
Ambrosino / Delmenico


Tagline:
- AN UNSPEAKABLE TERROR HAS COME HOME.

Alternate Titles:
Casi humanos (Being Human) Spain

Ανθρώπινο κτήνος (Human Beast)   Greece



"You let the take me.  You stood there and watched!"
                                                                                       -Mark

Anyone who knows me knows that I am at once terrified of aliens and also completely fascinated by them.  The same goes for alien flicks.  I'm sure I've recounted various stories about watching flicks like Fire in the Sky and Communion here before.....and I'm sure I will get around to reviewing those films as well.  With the Roswell UFO Crash Anniversary having just past (July 8th was the 67th anniversary of the crash), what better time to tell you about this hybrid film.  Part freaky abduction flick, part straight up slasher film, Almost Human was a pleasant surprise for me.

There's only so much "Play That Funky Music, Whiteboy" you can listen to, ya know?

Yeah...that's not okay.

The film starts out in full on "aliens abducting and stalking people" mode.  A guy named Seth rushes to his friend Marks house babbling about lights that took their friend, Rob.  He keeps repeating "They're coming" over and over and looking worriedly out the window.  Mark, not sure what to think of his incoherent friend grabs his rifle and is ready to go search for Rob when the aliens arrive.  The power cuts out.  An excruciating noise incapacitates Seth and Mark's girlfriend Jen.  Mark meanwhile seems to go into a trance and walks out the front door.  A brilliant beam of blue light hits him and he vanishes without a trace.

Alien Mark arrives in the woods....

Jen is trying to move on with her life

Fast forward two years and Seth isn't doing so well.  He's plagued by nightmares and he mental condition is deteriorated.  People are starting to see lights in the sky, just like they did two years ago and Seth's got a bad feeling.  He goes to the diner that Jen works at to warn her.  Naturally she doesn't believe him and has spent the past two years convincing herself that she is unsure of what she saw the night Mark vanished.  She's tried to move on and has a new man in her life now.

Unfortunately for Jen and everyone else, Seth is correct.  Something bad IS coming.  Mark is back.....only he's not the same.   He's not human and he's on a murderous mission.  When two hunters come across Mark's naked body in the woods, they are quickly killed and their clothes stolen.  Mark then makes his way to an out of the way gas station, killing a customer as well as the owner.  He stuffs both bodies in the truck and takes off towards town.

Yep.  He's dead.

Little bits like this news broadcast really add to the creepy vibe

The stalk and slash continues as Alien Mark reaches town and goes to his former house, which does not bode well for the present owners.  It is here that we finally learn what Alien Mark's plan is here, which I will leave for you to discover on your own.  I WILL say that it's not horribly original, but hey.....why mess with the tried and true, right?

Naked and goopy.  Either she's run into aliens or is the start of a bukkake video...

Almost Human is a pretty short film.  80 minutes including title and end credits.  The end credits themselves run at 8 minutes, which writer/director Joe Begos stated that this was to pad out the film to "feature length" for certain festival circuits.  If you sit through the credits, however (or fast forward through them like I did) you will be rewarded with an extra scene.

GORE:  They don't shy away from the red stuff here.  There are some nasty ax murders as well as rifle and shotgun wounds.  There's also some extraterrestrial grue on display here, so you bodily fluid freaks should be pretty happy!

T&A:  There are one pair of breasts on display here, though they're not exactly very titillating, being all covered in alien goop and such.  There is also some naked male butts on display....but again, covered in alien goop.

MONSTERS:  The aliens that do the abducting and such are never shown.  Even in the black and white flash backs  that show Mark aboard the UFO, you never actually see any aliens.  Alien Mark (as I came to call him) looks like a normal human, but he has a wicked space scream (kinda like the pod people in the '78 version of Invasion of the Body Snatchers) and he's also got some sort of alien proboscis that comes out of his mouth which he uses for.....well....you'll see.

Seth is looking a little unhinged.

Final Thoughts:
Almost Human rides a fine line, which is not easy to do.  It handle's it's alien aspects as well as it's slasher components very well.  There is a terrific creepy vibe that the film is able to create in it's opening moments that manages to stay with the film throughout the running time.  Sure there are parts of it that are a bit wonky and silly, but it all adds to the charm of the whole thing.  This is a solid B-movie and you can't go wrong spending 80 minutes with it.

Final Rating
FOUR OUT OF FIVE PIZZA ROLLS

Blood Diner - Gore Soaked Laugh Snack

Blood Diner
1987
Directed by Jackie Kong
Written by Michael Sonye

Starring Rick Burks, Carl Crew & Roger Dauer 

Unrated - Approx 88 Minutes
Vestron Pictures

Tag Lines
 - First they greet you, then they eat you.

 - Food So Good, It Tastes Just Like Mom Used To ...

Alternate Titles
 Blood Feast 2 - US Alternate Title
 Um Jantar Sangrento (A Bloody Dinner)  - Brazi l
Il ristorante all'angolo (The Restaurant at the Corner) - Italy
Krwawa wieczerza  (Bloody Supper) - Poland
Jantar Fatal (Fatal Dinner) - Portugal

Garantiert geschmacklos (Guaranteed Tastless) - West Germany

"We interrupt this program to give you an important news bulletin: A suspect in the Happy Times All-Girls Glee Club slaying has fled the scene and managed to elude the police. He is armed and dangerous, and has been spotted in the West Side area, armed with a meat cleaver in one hand and his genitals in the other."

                                             - Radio Newscaster

Yet another of the classic 80's titles that haunted my local video store with it's bright and promising artwork.  Somehow or another I never got around to watching this flick in my younger years. For the longest time it languished in the analog graveyard that is VHS until Lionsgate released it on DVD as part of a 6 Movie compilation pack.  I finally got a chance to sit down and see if the movie was everything I was hoping it would be!

The Many Faces of Uncle Anwar!

Blood Diner is played as a straight up comedy.  Even though the films premise is completely ridiculous, it would have been nice if they had tried to tone down the silliness a little bit.  Having said THAT....this film was a hell of a lot of fun!  While the plot treads very closely to Blood Feast for the most part (hacking up lovely young women to appease an Egyptian Goddess)  As a matter of fact, for a time the film's working title was Blood Feast 2 (Not to be confused with Blood Feast 2:  All U Can Eat).

Mike & George hang out with Uncle Anwar!

The film starts with two you boys, Mike and George.  Their mother leaves them alone to go and get some smokes.  The radio announces that a madman is on the loose.  He breaks into the house with the two young boys and we discover.....it's actually their Uncle Anwar.  He gives them both magical amulets and we learn that he's been teaching them about black magic.  Then he heads out the door and is shot down by police.  Flash forward 15 or so years and Mikey and Georgie are digging up ol' Uncle Anwar's grave.  They saw his brain out with a hacksaw and stick it in a jar.  After an incantation from Mike, Uncle Anwar's alive and well in the jar.  I should mention also Anwar's brain also still has it's eyes attached, which move around and blink.  Weird.

Gunning down nude cheerleaders like Ronnie Reagen!

Having semi-resurrected their Uncle, the boys set out to make a body for the earthly incantation of Shitar (The Egyptian Goddess to which they pray).  They head out to the filming of a Nude Cheerleader Aerobics program being filmed for cable and slaughter everyone.  They hack up the pieces they want and head back to their diner (Tutman Cafe) to sew up the pieces Frankenstein-style.  Then it's off to collect pieces and parts of trashy women for the feast that will resurrect her!

Of course there are the obligatory detectives on their trail.  Detective Mark Shepard is a wise-cracking cop who is constantly getting smacked by the police chief or his partner for his bad jokes and puns.  Speaking of his partner, Detective Sheba Jackson is probably the worst cop in all of cinema.  Good grief!  With these two bumbling around no wonder Mike and George have no problem slaughtering people and then serving them to the customers at their diner as "health food"!

Detectives Sheba Jackson and Mark Shepard are on the case!

The whole thing culminates in a night club party (naturally) and things go completely bonkers.  Zombies, undead Egyptian goddesses with venus flytrap mouths on their abdomen, one of the strangest bands I've seen in a while.  Looks like something that you would have seen on Night Flight back in the day!   Where else are you going to see a guitar rhythm section comprised of two dudes dressed up as Hitler?  To be more specific Hitler by way of a methed-out Charlie Chaplin!  Holy hell!

Anatomy of a deep fryer death.  

There are some really fun kills in this one as well.  A man his hit in the head with a shovel so hard that his eyes pop out.  A women is seduced and covered in batter and then her head is put into a deep fryer...turning her head into a giant fritter!  Multiple people have their heads exploded by a supernatural burst of energy and more!  I can't say that I was ever bored with the film.  It moves along at a fairly brisk pace and there's plenty of blood, boobs and wackiness to keep your attention in place.

It's SHITAR!!!!!!!!!

Midnight Cinephile Tally

Death Toll - There are quite a few deaths in this one.  Once again it's hard to get a proper body count because there are some chaotic scenes where a lot of people die in rapid succession.  I suppose I could go back and watch it in slo-mo to get the count....but I'm just not that ambitious.  Suffice to say......LOTS of people die in this one!

Nude O Meter - There is quite a bit of flesh on display here.  The aforementioned Nude Cheerleader Aerobics show, several nubile victims bare not only breasts but some bush as well.  And of course there Shitar, who stands around mostly naked (except for a pair of men's briefs (!?).

Things thatt Go Bump In The Night - Lots of fun stuff here!  Sentient brain in a jar.  Shitar the ancient Egyptian Goddess, who is made out of several immoral girls.....and of course a bunch of zomibies!

Sad zombie......

Final Thoughts
Though I was initially disappointed by the fact that Blood Diner was played completely for laughs, after I got over that initial let-down, I had a lot of fun with the film and it really started to grow on me.  This is one of those films that is best watched late at night with some drinks, snacks and a like minded friend or two.....but no matter what time you watch it.....it's gonna feel like 3 in the morning!

Final Rating
Three out of Five Stars