D: Steve Wolsh
W: Steve Wolsh
S: Lachlan Buchanan, Puja Mohindra, Bryce Draper
Not Rated - Approx 90 Min.
- The Lucky Ones Are Already Dead
"How can to take a piss at a time like this?"
We start out with a bang as a group of friends come crashing out of some boggy marshes. First out is a chick wearing a bra & panties and heavy rubber fishing boots. Her friends soon join her. One of them is clearly pretty seriously injured. It's unknown what the hell happened because they are all spouting and shouting lines like "What the fuck WAS that?" and "OH NO! Tony's dead!" Who's Tony? I have no idea. But apparently he died a gruesome death. Also somebody named Ava is still out in the marshes and who knows what's happened to her. Roll the opening credits. And we get our first gratuitous booby shots. I guess it's supposed to be Ava romping around the swamp wearing only panties.
|Only 5 minutes in. Boobs.|
|Playboy Playmate Boobs. That you never really get to see.|
Our intrepid heroes (?) just happened to have stumbled across a vacated vacation home. Oh yeah, this takes place on Cape Cod....not that it matters. They bust into the vacation home, raid the liquor cabinet, whine about being in danger and act like idiotic 20-somethings. Steve...or Bobby...or whatever the hell his name is....the seriously injured guy......keeps trying to get in blondie's pants. Cause you know....that's what I'd be thinking about when I'm bleeding out.
One of the guys "goes for help". I put that in quotation marks because nobody has a cell phone....apparently they were lost in the bog. So he's gonna run into town and find a phone. Not to call the cops...oh no....he's going to call his cousin. Now here's the thing......we still don't know what the hell has happened, but we know that one dude is dead and another is dying. So calling your cousin for a ride is the obvious answer, right? He doesn't even call his cousin straight away. He heads straight for a bar, walks in and sees a bunch of supermodel looking ladies sitting having drinks. So he goes in the bathroom and washing himself up and turns his shirt inside out to hide the blood and dirt and such. He then saunters on up the the bar, flirts with a girl, buys her a shot and a drink and THEN asks to use to her phone.
|Random Girl Boobs|
Meanwhile back at the house, bald albino fellas carrying hatchets, tomahawks and other sharp pointy instruments of ouch start taking out the remaining friends. Blondie takes a shower. Boobs. Brunette gets attacked. Boobs. Noah's cousin is hanging out with two well endowed girls. Cue 5 minute montage of Playboy Playmate Jaclyn Swedberg trying on various bras and panties from Victoria Secret's Angel Line. And she never actually shows her boobs. Seriously? You get a Playmate to be in your movie and she doesn't show her boobs? My guess was lack of budget for expensive boobies. Whatever.
Anyway, as Mr. Hero runs back to the house, he STOPS to watch a random girl undress through her window. Boobs. Are you seeing a pattern here? Boobs. Breasts. Tits. Hooters, Jugs, Milk Cans, Melons, Knockers, Fun Bags, Dirty Pillows......there are a metric shit ton of boobs! I haven't seen that many boobs since I found my Dad's Playboy collection as a kid! As terrible as this movie is....the writing the directing...everything....terrible....you know what's impressive? Steve Wolsh managed to convince a hell of a lot of girls to show their boobs to the camera.
|Scared Jiggly Boobs|
There's fighting between survivors and albino rapist murderers. The film makes the bold exclamation that it is a return to old school horror with old school gore effects, but to be honest more often than not you're just seeing a bunch of blood flying around from off screen. There's some other stuff that sort of happens but none of it makes a damn bit of sense. I really, wanted to like this film.....I can get past terrible dialog, movie logic and massive plot holes....but to me this just comes across as misogynistic wank material for "aggro" young men.
|Bra. Check. Panties. Check. Giant Rubber Boots, Check.|
|Kane Hodder: Albino Booby Bandit|
Allegedly this is meant to be the second film in a trilogy, which is why the film starts and ends in abrupt ways that make no sense. The Star Wars formula is just not working for this. First of all, Star Wars had enough exposition where you could be put in the "Middle" of the story and you were given enough to follow along and the story would unfold naturally. Worked beautifully. Not to mention, it was made in such a way that even if Episodes I - III or Episodes VII - IX were never made, it would be okay because it was a complete story unto itself. This just plunks you down in the middle of a clusterfuck and never takes the time to unfuck it. But it does have boobs.
There's plenty of grue getting thrown around but it doesn't look like blood so much as just sticky black gunk. Or Muck. Maybe that was intentional......
If you love boobs, you've hit the mother load.
Yes, there are the aforementioned albino boob loving rape monsters.
I really wish that I could recommend this one to you. If you come across it on Netflix and the Mrs. is out of town....then sure.....give it a go. Otherwise steer clear.