Thursday, May 16, 2013

Curse of the Cannibal Confederates - And You Thought Redneck Zombies Was Bad!!!!!

Curse of the Cannibal Confederates
Directed by Tony Malanowski
Written by Tony Malanowski & Lon Huber
Starring Steve Sandkuhler, Christopher Gummer & Rebecca Bach

Tag Lines:

The South Shall Rise Again ..... and Again.....and Again

It took over 100 years...But Johnny got even!

Alternate Titles:
Curse of the Screaming Dead (VHS Title)
Curse of the Confederate Cannibals

Theatrical:  Nope
VHS:  Mogul (as Curse of the Screaming Dead); Video Explosion (Australia); TCC (Japan); Troma
DVD:  Troma
Streaming:  Negative, good buddy.  If you wanna watch this one, you'll have to actually acquire physical media!

"It is well that war is so terrible, else we should grow too fond of it."
 - General Lee

If the tombstone's a rockin' don't come a knockin'!

Believe it or not I've watched this one a few times.  Most recently when a friend of mine stated that he wanted to watch a "bad" movie.  Feeling particularly cheeky, I pulled this little gem out and BOOM, just like that, another poor soul was exposed to The Curse of the Cannibal Confederates.  This movie gets a bad rap and I'll admit that it's a pretty wonky little flick, but there is still something about it that I can't help but love.  Perhaps it's the acting, maybe it's the pasty faced confederate zombies......maybe it's the cheap ass tombstones that wiggle around in the graveyard.

Our intrepid group of heroes.  Bikini's huh?  Good idea for a camping/hunting trip.

Mel doing what he does best:  Taking things that don't belong to him!

The "story" as it were follows a group of deer hunters and their girlfriends who go on a weekend camping trip.  I am not going to even pretend to know everyone's name....but they look like rejects from a Boston/BeeGee's tribute band.  Along for the trip are their girlfriends, including a blind girl, who I didn't even realize was blind the first time I watched it.  I totally missed that right int he opening credits, she's listed as "Blind Kiyomi"!

Doesn't camping look fun?  

Blind Kiyomi hears bells out in the woods and Mel (the klepto) goes to investigate.  He comes across a graveyard and an old church.  Inside the church he finds a box that contains a confederate flag and a leather diary.  Naturally, he takes the diary.  This apparently pisses off the long dead soldiers and they rise from the grave, pursuing the group and trying to munch on their guts.  It does not end well for the group.

Nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom.........

The action (what little there is of it) is heavily padded out with long scenes of wandering around and bizarre and poorly acted dialog.  Half of the cast looks like they're reading off of cue cards.  All of them act as if they're in a high school play.  These aren't complaints though.....these are the very things that make it a surreal little time waster.

Yep...cause that's what zombies do.......choke people

Lloyd Kaufman stated that this is one of the top five worst films in the Troma library.  I can only imagine that Actium Maximus must rank number one on that list.  Shot entirely in Maryland, Cannibal Confederates is said to be a remake of Night of Horror, which was also directed and written by Malanowski and Co.

Tonny Starke????  Whew, for a second I thought Iron Man was buried here.  

Midnite Cinephile Tally:

Body Count:  5.  Most of the campers and one cop get munched on.

Boob Count:  Nope.  We do get the girls in some bikinis though.  Which is weird in the woods.

Beast Count:  There's a bunch of undead rebels rising from the grave.  Some have the white face paint...others are of the rubber masked variety.  It's fun when they explode though.

Final Thoughts:
I don't know why this gets as bad a rap as it does.  There are far worse films out there.  Don't get me wrong, this isn't a good movie by any stretch of the imagination, but I'd sooner watch this than I would subject myself to any of the Twilight movies!  If you like goofy zombie flicks and want to watch a regional flick that is chock full of hilarious dialog and bad acting, you can't go wrong here.  With some booze, snacks and like-minded friends, this is a home version of Mystery Science Theater 3000 just waiting to happen!  DIG IN!

Final Rating:

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