Monday, July 13, 2015

The Pyramid - I Want My Mummy

The Pyramid
D: Grégory Levasseur
W: Daniel Meersand, Nick Simon

S: Ashley Hinshaw, James Buckley, Denis O'Hare
Rated R - Approx 89 Min
Twentieth Century Fox/Silvatar Media

 - You only enter once.

 - The curse is real

Alternate Titles:
Curse of the Pyramid - Turkey
The Pyramid - Grave of Horror - West Germany
Site 146 - Working Title

" If anyone finds this... bring guns!"

I was pretty damn excited when Universal announced that they would be creating a shared cinematic universe for their beloved classic monsters.  Reboots for all, handled by the original studio that brought them to life...what's not to love?  Okay, it got a little less exciting when they announced that instead of making a shared horror universe it was going to be a universe in which the monsters would be put into action/adventure movies.....but I digress.  I will wait until the films come out to pass judgement.  After all, I thought Dracula Untold was pretty cool!  But I'm not here to talk about Dracula.  Why am I bringing up Universal Monsters at all?  Because I love a good mummy movie. And when I first saw the previews for The Pyramid, it was just after the announcement that the first official reboot in the cinematic universe would be The Mummy,

The trailer for The Pyramid gave me hope that there was going to be a resurgence of mummy flicks coming out and this one looked like it might actually be pretty good!  It certainly looked promising.  Well, it is with a heavy heart that I must report that The Pyramid is certainly NOT the film that I was hoping for.  What's more, it's not even a mummy movie.  I will explain.

The film starts out with a film crew following around father and daughter (Holden & Nora) archaeologists who have uncovered an unprecedented three sided pyramid.  Right off the bat we can see that there is a lot of tension between Holden and Nora. seems that Holden is a dick and doesn't appreciate Nora trying to use new technology to explore their find.  Or something like that.

Anyway, due to mounting tensions in Cairo, the team is told that they must evacuate the site because it has become too dangerous with the riots and whatnot.  Of course being movie archaeologists, they decide to go against what the government has told them and instead send in a multi-million dollar robot (on loan from NASA) to explore a bit of the pyramid.

Things go awry when something attacks the robot.  Instead of just cutting their losses and sucking it up (and telling NASA that they just trashed a robot who's cost could have solved a small third world countries debt) they decide to go in and grab the 'bot.  Bad idea.

Sure enough once they enter, they become disoriented and lost and then end up falling through the floor into the lower levels of the pyramid.  From here it's pretty tedious "How are we going to get out" and "This is all your fault" banter as people get injured or killed either by booby traps or nasty little feral hairless cats.  Also, if you get scratched by one, you become infected  by....uh....something,,,,,an ancient virus or something that is never really fully discussed.

So for most of the rest of the running time, it's bickering, boobytraps and cats.  It's not until about the halfway point in the film that we find out that there MAY be something bigger in there with them.  OH YEAH, MUMMY TIME!  RIGHT?!  RIGHT?!  No.  We get no mummies.  What we do get is kinda ridiculous.  I'm not usually the type of person who's a stickler for stuff making sense.  Usually my mantra is "Check your brain at the door and have a good time!"  And I still stand by that mantra.  However when the movie doesn't let you have a good time, you start to count on the big payoff at the end of the film to balance out the rest.  There have been many times that I've sat through a movie thinking "Oh jeez, just let it be over!"  and then it gets to the climax and something unexpected and awesome happens and it completely changes the movie for me.  That doesn't happen this time.

But hey, I was looking for a mummy movie and discovering that I was getting no mummies was the final nail in the sarcophagus, so to speak.  So I'm not going to spoil it for you.  Maybe you will have a better time with the film than I did if you go into it KNOWING that there are no mummies.  There's a monster.  I'll tell you that much......but it's a damn ridiculous monster

We get to see Nora in her underwear, get a little side-boob from her and get a closeup of her breasts through a thin white shirt.  That'll have to do, I suppose.

There's some nasty bits here and there, but nothing over the top.

Those nasty little hairless cats are roaming around everywhere in the pyramid.  I can't for the life of me imagine what they eat.  Maybe each other?  Who knows.  We also have the "Big Baddie" that roams the chambers.  Would have been more awesome if there was a mummy.

There seems to be a new trend emerging in some films.....they want to be found footage movies but they use cameras that are far too high quality to be believable.  Also they will cut in and out of the footage without any explanation.  So one minute you're in the action looking at everything POV through the camera....the next minute there's a wide angle shot showing all the characters together.  The film quality never changes so it seems as if there's someone else shooting footage from a different vantage point.  Unless the monster has his own camera and decided to shoot some stuff and then later give it to the just doesn't work.

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