Monday, June 6, 2011

Linnea Quigley's Horror Workout!



You can't tell me that reading those words on the box wouldn't peak your interest if you were a 14 year old boy browsing your local mom & pop video shop!   I can remember seeing the bright colored box staring down at me from the top shelf of the horror section of Video Paradise.  Now, I'm a pretty decent sized dude....and I was a chunky kid as well.....but this video made me actually want to exercise!  Alas, I never rented that video.

However, years later thanks to the magic of the internet, I was afforded the opportunity to view this curiosity piece.  Oh boy.  The video starts out with a little shower action.  Our Girl, Linnea is soapin' herself up and washing herself the way to us guys like to imagine that girls shower.....slowly caressing the soap.......slowly, sorry, got a little sidetracked there.  Anywhoo....she grabs her towel to dry off, notices us, the voyeuristic viewers and shrieks!

We are then taken to Linnea's living room, which is adorned with various spooky items, including the fellow you see above.  She tells us how much work being a Scream Queen can be and takes us through a bit of a "Greatest Hits" montage of video clips from various movies including Assault of the Party Nerds, Creepazoids, Vice Academy and my personal favorite, Sorority Babes in the Slime Bowl-A-Rama!

After we're finished watching these clips, it's time to start working out!  Linnea starts with some stretches, which wearing a metal studded bikini and tights.  I don't imagine that was a horribly comfortable outfit to be wearing, but hey, what do I know?  The cheesy synth music totally makes it worth watching.   I might actually rip the music from the video so I can listen in my car!  Yep....The Wizard is that whacked!

So after finishing up in the living room, Linnea decides to go for a jog.  It seems that she has caught the attention of some zombies though.  As they start to follow her and then chase her back to her house, she turns the table on the zombies, yelling at them for being out of shape.  So naturally they all fall in line and start to zombecise!  By the pool!  WTF?  Just go with it......don't ask too many'll be happier that way!

After all that zombicizing, it's time to relax for a bit with the girls!  You know what that means!  SLUMBER PARTY!  So now the girls goof around a bit and then settle in front of the TV, which is actually just an excuse to watch more clips of Linnea's movies.  Of course eventually they get restless and it's time for 80's chicks in lingerie to work out to more cheesy synth music.

See?  I told ya!  Well, as they're workin out the lights go out and Linnea goes to investigate.  Of course she did.  The rest of the girls stay put.  Of course when Linnea doesn't come back they decided that someone should go and look for her.  Naturally.  One by one the girls are killed by a stalker wear a Ronald Reagan mask and a costume with giant shoulder pads.  This is my personal favorite part of the film.....ya just can beat goofy slasher rip offs.  This is one of those videos that is so damn bad it's brilliant!  SOV....low budget.....used as a fluff piece to cash in on Linnea's Scream Queen status. 

And so I will leave you with a little video compilation clip of Linnea Quigley's Horror Workout!
Check out the fake add at the end for Linnea's "upcoming" cooking feature!  Now THAT would have been awesome!