Renfield (2023)

This has been a truly special weekend for me. 

First of all, I launched Midnight Cinephile again and I've been getting the most wonderful comments from folks welcoming me back. Honestly and truly, I would like to say "Thank You!" from the bottom of my heart.  I truly feel like I've come back home.

Along those same sentiments, this entire weekend has had a certain feel to it that I was unable to put words to for pretty much the entire duration of it. A certain warmth (besides the unusual heat for early April!) has been festering inside my chest. It was not until this afternoon when we were leaving the theater watching the very same film about to be reviewed, that it finally hit me right between the eyes what the feeling was. 

I finally feel like my life is righting course. After so long, I felt like I was finally turning back into me again....and let me tell you something:  I've missed me.  But there's plenty of time for self reflection later, right now we've got a film to review!  Let's do this thing!

RENFIELD (2023)

Rated R - 1hr 33min

Starring Nicholas Cage, Awkwafina & Nicholas Hoult 

Directed by Chris McKay

    Let me just start this review by saying that there is a certain action sequence that takes place about midway through the film that I have been waiting for my entire life. Light spoilers ahead so if you don't want to know ANYTHING about the film before watching, skip the rest of this paragraph.  I'll wait. Okay, you still here?  Groovy.  ******  There is an action sequence in which I literally watched a man rip off another man's arms and not only beat him to death with them, but also several other people as well!  He also does something else with the arms but you're just going to have to watch to find out what!  ******

    Robert Montague Renfield (Hoult)  was a lawyer who travelled to Transylvania to facilitate a real estate deal with Count Dracula (Cage). As I'm sure you are aware, he falls under the vampires spell and spends the rest of his existence doing his evil master's bidding. That is the story that we are all familiar (see what I did there?) with. This film takes a much deeper look at the character and just what it means to serve the Prince of Darkness...the toll it takes on your soul and your sanity.  Did I mention this is also a comedy?

    We follow Renfield and Dracula to modern times in the U.S. living in an abandoned hospital.  Dracula got himself pretty fucked up after a run in with some vampire hunters and (as always) Renfield must tend to him and nurse him back to health by supplying fresh victims. The thing is...he's tired of sending innocent people to their deaths, so he starts attending a self help group for people in toxic relationships. As he listens to these poor souls work out their demons, he finds their toxic counterparts and takes them to his master for feeding. Dracula is less than pleased with the...shall we say....less than pure stock of blood being supplied to him.

    Meanwhile, a local crime family is causing massive problems for the law abiding citizens and officer Rebecca Quincy (Awkwafina) has had enough.  Her father was murdered at the hands of the vile Lobo crime family, some of the police force is crooked and on the take and she doesn't know who she can trust.  She shows up at a joint called Mulates, which looks like it has a very New Orleans/Voodoo kinda vibe to it.  In short, I wish it was real place. Just so happens that Renfield is there, searching for victims (there a table full of nuns AND a school bus full of cheerleaders just dropped in too!) and feeling quite sorry for himself.  When he see's Quincy stand up to the son of the crime boss, Renfield is inspired.  Perhaps he doesn't have to live in Dracula's shadow any longer.

    Long story short, Renfield and Quincy take out quite a few members of the Lobo Crime Syndicate. Renfield starts taking steps toward recovery from his own toxic relationship, starting with a new wardrobe and a studio apartment of his very own.  Could there be some romance brewing between him and Quincy?  Could be but there's not going to be much to for that because this is after all an action-horror-comedy.  Shit goes sideways.  Of course it does. I'm not going to go any further with plot....just the set up.

    Renfield absolutely delivers on everything it promises and actually quite a bit more.  I was expecting to be entertained by the film, but I was surprised by HOW entertained I was.  Universal decided to put it into an April slot, but I think that this could have easily held it's own during summer blockbuster season. Well, let me walk that back a wee bit.  It could hold up to most summer blockbuster seasons...maybe not against the likes of  Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and Transformers: Rise of the Beasts...those are pretty heavy hitters.  But still.....I think it would have done just fine. I think that Renfield is going to find itself a cult following quite quickly.

    Let's get a bit more cerebral here. This is a Hollywood film. A Universal film at that.  Which means that they have at their disposal certain...shall we say...historical footage of Dracula.  I'm 100% sure if the actual footage from 1931's Dracula was used and then deep faked with Cage and Hoult overtaking Lugosi and Frye, or if it was just and extremely faithful recreation. To be honest it was such a surprise to me that I was taking it all in and did not get to scrutinize it.  Either way, holy shit what an incredible sequence!  If you ask me, THIS is the sort of shit they should have been doing with their failed "Dark Universe" that started and ended with Tom Cruise's The Mummy. I could get behind trying a shared Universal Monster Universe again if they went the same direction as Renfield.

    Renfield is a pretty intensely gory film.  Having said that, it would have been nice if a little more blood was practical effects.  Granted CGI blood has made leaps and bounds since the days of say, Van Helsing, but still....you can always tell the real stuff from the digital stuff.  Either way, red is red and there was a metric shit ton of it.  I'm not sure EXACTLY how much a metric shit ton is, cause I live in the states and we used the ill advised Imperial System.  Which, also only used in Liberia and Myanmar...you're welcome for the brief Geographic Units of Measure Lesson™.  Anyway, it's a lot.  Not like Dead Alive or Evil Dead levels, but it's got some gore.

    The film also comes with a strong message about toxic relationships and self worth and it can beat you over the head with it a little bit, but you know what? In this toxic, hate filled world we live in, we could use a little positive reinforcement, even in our action-horror-comedy flicks. So there's that. If you get upset when people try to spread a positive message, perhaps sit this one out.

On a final note, it was SO GREAT to get back to a theater. The Mrs. and I used to be at the movies constantly and a lot of that went to the wayside the past few years. It was so great to get back into it and I loved every second of it! 

Let's bring up the Midnight Cinephile Tallies!

BLOOD & GORE:  Wear a plastic poncho if you're sitting in the front row!

ALIENS, MONSTERS & MADMEN:  Monster royalty right here:  The Prince of Darkness himself: Dracula!  

T&A:  Negative, good buddy!  

FINAL THOUGHTS:  This is a super fun flick that goes well with greasy fistfuls of popcorn and a nice ice cold soda. Let the summer blockbuster season begin...we're off the a great start! 

CHECK OUT THE LETHAL WEAPON 3 PINBALL MACHINE AT OUR THEATER!

Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers - Return of the Campy Slasher

Sleepaway Camp II:  Unhappy Campers
1988
D: Michael Simpson
W: Fritz Gordon & Robert Hiltzik
S: Pamela Springsteen,  Renée Estevez, Tony Higgins
Rate R - Approx. 80 Minutes
Double Helix Films

Taglines:
 - ...and they thought it was just another ghost story!
 - When you go camping just take the essentials

Alternate Titles:
Nightmare Vacation II
Sinister Camp II (Brazil)
Bloody Camp II (Spain)
Nightmarish Vacation (Greece)
Angel of Death II (Hungary)
Dormant Camp 2: Sad Campers (Poland)
Eternal Dream Camp II: Unhappy Campers (Russia)
The Camp of Horror II (West Germany)




" Too bad they haven't figured out a way to make french fries nutritious. I'm a NUT when it comes to french fries!"
                                                                                               -Angela

If you are reading this then I would think that it's safe to assume that you have seen the original Sleepaway Camp.....but in the event that we've got a few stragglers, I will avoid spoiling the shock ending of the first film.  But seriously, if you haven't seen it, you really should rectify that immediately.

Sleepaway Camp II is exactly my cup of tea.  I've got a soft spot for camp movies, especially when they're horror films.  Having grown up and lived in New England my entire life, I've spent a good amount of time in the woods and wilderness and the rustic vibe that these types of films put out just warm the cockles of my heart.  Plus it's just fun to watch teens get slashed up at camp.

Can't have a camp flick without a campfire tale!

Spying on the girls is always fun.......

Now it's going to be impossible to avoid ALL spoilers for the first film, so if you don't want to know ANYTHING, then now would be a good time to stop reading until you're all caught up!

Okay, we good now?

Perfect.

So, we find ourselves at Camp Rolling Hills and Angela (who killed everyone in the first film) is now a camp counselor.  She's been through extensive psychiatric care and rehabilitation and is all better.  Things are going great.  Until she perceives that the teens at camp are misbehaving....then the killings start all over again.  That is the interesting thing with Angela.  Her M.O. is killing kids whom she perceives to be doing bad things:  Having sex, doing drugs, acting like normal teenagers.  That's how so got her nickname in the first film:  The Angel of Death.  She's kinda a holier than thou type when it comes to morals.

Guess it runs in the family!

There's always gotta be at least one attention whore

The kills are all pretty fun.  There's decapitations, hangings, death by battery acid, power drills.....you name it.  The body count is rather impressive as well.....Angel certainly is not shy about murdering teens!  After a teen is murdered, they're hidden away and to explain their disappearance, Angela states that she had to send them home for bad behavior.  By the end of the film, there aren't a whole lot of campers left and she's still using the same excuse.  It's rather comical.

Sleepaway Camp is played out as a horror-comedy.  Never shying away from the gore, the film also keeps the dialog light and cheesy, especially as Angela quips one liners after (or during) many of her kills.  The film has fun in other ways, for example all the characters are named after popular 80's teen actors.....Molly (Ringwald), Ally (Sheedy), Demi (Moore), Anthony (Michael Hall), etc.  There are two characters named Charlie and Emilio (obviously for Sheen and Estevez) which is kinda cool when you realize that Molly is played by Renee Estevez, their sister!  Speaking of actors having famous siblings, Angela is played by Pamela Springsteen...sister to none other than The Boss himself!  Yep, Bruce Springsteen's baby sister is a slasher!

Smoking is bad for you.  You're FIRED!

Me thinks someone wandered in from a different film....

If you dig camp flicks....especially slasher camp flicks then you'll definitely dig Sleepaway Camp II.  Just know what you're getting into.  This is a low budget slasher flick.  It's MEANT to be silly, stupid and campy.  Pun intended.  The film was shot back to back with Sleepaway Camp III:  Teenage Wasteland, which is kinda cool because the two sequels share a very similar vibe.

GORE
Oh yeah, there's plenty of the red stuff flowing here.  As I mentioned before the body count is pretty high.  I don't have an exact number but it's definitely in the teens.  Not bad, Angela!

T&A
Ya can't have a camp flick without T&A!  There's plenty of skin on display here, so you boob lovers will be all set.

MONSTERS
Just your average camp counselor psychopath knocking off horny young teens!

Getting drowned in the outhouse is a shitty way to go!

Peeping Toms get their eyes gouged out!

FINAL THOUGHTS
I had a hell of a lot of fun with this flick (and it's sequel, which I will cover next).  Both can be found and watched on Netflix streaming (and of course you can rent the discs from Netflix as well) and Amazon Instant Video.  Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some camp songs to learn........

The Outing - A Night at the Museum of Horrors

 The Outing
1987
Directed by Tom Daley
Written by Warren Chaney
Starring  Deborah Winters, James Huston & Andra St. Ivanyi

H.I.T. Films
Skouras Pictures
TMS Pictures

Rated R - Approx 87 Min


Taglines:
 - They're not coming back.
 - You'll Wish You Were Dead!
 - Don't say see you later... say goodbye.
 - It's no picnic.

 - Make a wish... if you dare.


Alternative Titles:
A Guardiã da Lâmpada Maldita (The Guardiant Lamp Curse)  Brazil
Lampa  (Lamp) Czech Republic
La lampara (The Lamp)   Spain
Το λυχναρι του δαιμονα  (The Lamp of Demons)   Greece
La lámpara    (The Lamp)   Peru

A Lâmpada do Terror  (The Lamp of Terror)   Portugal

"I never said I was a wizard with toast and coffee."
                                                           - Dr. Wallace


Most of the time when I review of a film, it's something that I am aware of already.  If nothing else I know a loose synopsis and have a general idea of what I might be in for.  Not so this time.  The Outing came as part of a four pack of horror movies from Shout Factory (The other three films being The Vagrant, What's the Matter with Helen? and The Godsend) and while I'm sure I may have heard the title once or twice, I had no idea what I was getting into.  Sure I could have read the synopsis on the back but I was feeling nostalgic for the old days.  So I watched it based solely on it's cover art.  Just like I used to do in the 80's.

Going to rob a house and only one guy brings any tools?

Ah, the lamp.  

The Outing may be more familiar to some of you under it's other moniker:  The Lamp.  After three thieves kill an old gypsy woman and steal a lamp that was hidden in a trunk in a wall, they are all killed off by the evil genie that resides inside.  The lamp is then moved to a museum and under the care of Dr. Wallace, the museums curator.  His daughter, Alex comes to visit and she finds an old bracelet that also belonged to the old woman and puts it on.  Unfortunately it binds her to the lamp and the genie and she can't get it off.

Possessed Alex sends the rest of the students on their way

Looks cozy, don't it?

The genie then possesses the girl and has her convince her friends to spend the night in the museum....which of course they do.  Much death ensues!  I've gotta say I had a lot of fun with this one.  For the price of admission you get reanimated corpses, flying spears, reanimated snakes and of course the evil genie himself.  The film doesn't skimp on the nudity either, giving a few scenes in which to ogle some nubile female flesh.

You know 90% of all household accidents occur in the bathroom....

.....yeah I've got nothing.

The characters are (as usual in this type of film) quite stereotypical but there are a few standouts, including the opera singing security guard and the two thugs that are also stalking our intrepid group of teens in the museum.  The thugs, one of which is Alex's ex-boyfriend and he's got a serious chip on his shoulder about the breakup.  Early in the film he tries to run her and her new beau off the road, then later slams her up against a locker, pulls a knife and throws racial slurs at the school principle.  Makes me wonder what the hell she was doing with him to begin with!

You ain't NEVER had a friend like me!

Midnight Cinephile Round-Up

Death Toll:  13!  Not too shabby!

Nude-O-Meter:  You flesh fiends will have some ogling to do on this flick!  Three pairs of breasts and a quick glimpse of some 80's bush!

Things That Go Bump In The Night:  Well, we've got the evil genie causing all kinda mayhem here.  We've also go undead gypsies, snakes and a re-animated mummified corpse.

Favorite Death
In this case I've got a tie between the recently murdered gypsy (she got a double sided ax to the head) pulling down the thief and slicing his head on the other end of the ax that's still stuck in her head, and the re-animated mummified corpse who sits up and bites a dudes throat.  Both are pretty awesome death scenes!

Talk about evil dead!

Final Thoughts
Like I had said before, I went into this one with no preconceived notions of what the movies was going to be.  It was quite fun to go into this completely blind and enjoy the ride and I may try to start doing that more often.  As you can see from the final tally, there's much to like here for the horror fan and the Three B's (Blood, Boobs & Beasts) are well covered!  If you're in the mood for a campy, slightly sleazy flick with some decent bloodshed, then check out The Outing!  Apparently in the UK release (which goes under The Lamp moniker) there is a different opening sequence that was cut out of subsequent releases.

Final Rating
Three out of Five Pizza Rolls

Evil Dead (2013) Oh Yes, There Is Blood.....So....Much.....Blood.

Remakes get a bum rap these days.  The second a remake is announced, internet trolls the world over flock to their computers and start their campaigns against said film.  It happens every time and this film was no different.

Personally, I don't mind remakes.....which puts me pretty much in a class by myself, from what I can tell.  I thought the '03 Texas Chainsaw Massacre was brilliant.  I really enjoyed the '09 Friday the 13th reboot.  The '10 re-imagining of A Nightmare on Elm Street, while not my favorite film, still had it's moments.  I will admit that I didn't like the '05 remake of The Fog.....the ending just killed it for me.  But there were still some fun moments in it.

Okay so, now you know....I like remakes.  This one is no different.  I had an absolute blast with this film.  It is everything that I expected it would be.....which is wall to wall gore in a dirty little cabin in the woods!  Holy hell....director Fede Alvarez certainly did not spare any of the red stuff!  Though I will say that I have seen bloodier....but more on that in a bit.

In this edition, we five five twenty-somethings gathered at the now infamous cabin to help their friend, Mia kick her drug habit cold turkey.  Her brother, David has even shown up to help.  He's a bit estranged from the group....something that isn't quite explored....but to be honest, if I wanted a character study, I'd watch something else.  We do find out that this isn't the first time that Mia has tried to quite her drug habit.  The last time, she caved after only a few hours.....so it is decided that no matter how she begs and pleads, they will not allow her to leave.

I don't want to give away too much here.  I think a big part of the fun of this film is seeing how they've come up with new ways for things to happen.  Suffice to say they find the book (and a Boomstick....er....shotgun) in the basement.  It's covered in a garbage bag and completely wrapped in barbed wire.  Written in the pages are warnings:  Don't Read The Words....... Don't Speak The Words...... Don't Hear The Words.  So what is the first thing ya wanna do?   READ THEM WORDS OUT LOUD!

Well, that's just what Eric (who is a science teacher?!) does.  Yup.  He's THAT guy.  Way to go dude.  Sadly Mia is the one who runs afoul of the demons first....which her friends mistake as withdrawal hallucinations and ploys to get away from the cabin.  By the time they realize that it's too late......well.....it's too damn late!

There are some really fun nods to the original films, such as Ash's car rusting out back.  Is it Ash's?  Nobody said it was......but nobody said it WASN'T either!  The cabin looks great and the surrounding woods are equally foreboding....giving the film a very dismal atmosphere.  Nothing nice happens to anyone in this film at any point in time for it's 91 minute running time.

Now what's this about all the blood you've been hearing about?  Well, my little gore-hounds....if it's blood you want, it's blood you shall get!  In spades!  All the weaponry you would expect is here...chainsaw, machete, electric carving knife, nail gun, crow bar, Boomstick......er.....shotgun!  The last 10 minutes of the film are a sight to behold.  Quite possibly one of the goriest climaxes that I've seen in a long time.  Is it the bloodiest film ever?  Probably not, but there is PLENTY of the crimson goods on display here.

I'll be looking forward to the Blu Ray release, which I'm hoping will feature an unrated cut, upping the gore quotient (cause I'm a sick dude like that).  Now if you'll excuse me, I have a weekend in the woods to plan.....

The Horror of Weird Al Yankovic

When I was a kid, my Dad decided to subscribe to Columbia House music.  That was the mail order system where when you joined you got like 10 cassettes (yeah, that's right, I said cassettes.....this was like 1984!) for a dollar each and then you were enrolled in the club and they sent you music every month and if you liked it, you bought it.  If you didn't, you sent it back.  Canceling your subscription was a very difficult process that usually involved dark magic and the slaughter/sacrifice of several small animals.

Anyway, one of the 10 cassettes that my Dad picked to get from the initial offer was Weird Al's Dare To Be Stupid.  He picked it out for me, not only because I loved all the goofy songs that he and my mom would sing to us kids, but because there was a song about Yoda (which of course was a riff on The Kink's Lola)!  This was my first Weird Al album and I listened to it until the tape actual snapped and I had to replace it with the CD years later. 

It was the second track on Side-B that I loved the most...but I'm starting to get ahead of myself.....so let's take it back to the first album and do this up all chronologically 'n' stuff.  See, Weird Al is known for being a zany, totally out there comedy guy.  What you find when you really look into his lyrics is that he's also incredibly smart and has his finger on the pulse of what's going on in the world.  You'll also find that he has an incredibly dark side and here I shall submit songs from each album for you to ponder over.  Some entries are rather obvious....such as Nature Trail to Hell and Slime Creatures From Outer Space.  Others you have to pay a bit more attention to what your listening to because it's all in the lyrics....such as The Good Ol' Days and You Don't Love Me Anymore.  So let's take a look album by album at some of Al's darker stuff.....

"Weird Al" Yankovic - 1983

Happy Birthday -  You wouldn't think it by the title, but this one deals with some dark stuff, including world poverty, World War III and the destruction of the inner solar system!  Happy Birthday indeed!

Lyric sample:

It doesn't take a military genius to see
We'll all be crispy critters after World War III
There's nowhere you can run to, nowhere you can hide
When they drop the big one, we all get fried

I guess you know the Earth is gonna crash into the sun
But that's no reason why we shouldn't have a little fun
So if you think it's scary, if it's more than you can take
Just blow out the candles and have a piece of cake

Mr. Frump in the Iron Lung - The last track on the album is a pretty catchy little ditty.  Not REALLY dark or horror related, but more just all around kinda sick in a funny way.  The narrator of the song's best friend is an old guy in an Iron Lung.......hilarious.  Wrong, but hilarious!

Lyric Sample

Y'know, Mr. Frump is my very best friend
He's never a chump or a tease
He never tells me lies, and best of all
He never disagrees

Well, unfortunately, soon it came to be
Mr. Frump's dying day
And now I bring to you the very last thing
That Mr. Frump had to say....[deep breathing, that fades and dies off]

Amen  

"Weird Al" Yankovic In 3D - 1984

Midnight Star - Another of Al's original tunes.  This one is about the crazy headlines that you used to see on tabloids such as Weekly World News.

Lyric Sample

It said your pet may be an extraterrestrial
It said the ghost of Elvis is living in my den
You can learn to cope with stress
You can beat the IRS
And the incredible frog boy is on the loose again

Eat jelly doughnuts, and lose twenty pounds a day
Hear the story of the man born without a head
And top psychics all agree
That the telephone company
Will have a brand new service that lets you talk to the dead

Nature Trail To Hell - One of my all time favorites of Al's tunes!  The song plays like a trailer for an upcoming slasher movie and is absolutely awesome.  The song starts with the sound of a thunderstorm complete with rain and even some wolves howling.  Awesome stuff.  This song was always popping up in Dr. Demento's Halloween Frightful Five at the end of his halloween shows. 

Sample Lyrics

Coming this Christmas to a theater near you
The most horrifying film that hit the screen.
There's a homicidal maniac who finds a cub-scout troop
and he hacks up two or three in every scene.
Please don't reveal the secret ending to your friends
Don't spoil the big surprise
You won't believe your eyes when you see

Nature Trail To Hell

See severed heads that almost fall right in your lap.
See that bloody hatchet coming right at you.
No, you'll never see hideous effects like these again
Until we bring nature trail to hell part 2
So bring the kids along it's good clean family fun.
What have you got to lose
If you like the 6 O'Clock news then you'll love.

Nature Trail to Hell
Nature trail to hell
Nature trail to hell in 3-D
Nature trail to hell in 3-D
Nature trail to hell in 3-D
Nature Trail to hell in 3-D

Dare To Be Stupid - 1985

Like A Surgeon - I pretty much added this one because it's all about gore and surgery gone wrong.  Not really a dark track per se.

Sample Lyric

Let me see, that I.V.
Here we go - time to operate
I'll pull his indsides out, pull his insides out
And see what he ate

 One More Minute - A song about break ups and the pain of being around your ex afterwards.  Al comes up with some pretty nasty tortures that he would rather endure than spending any further time with his ex.

Sample Lyric

I'd rather rip out my intestines with a fork
Than watch you going out with other men
I'd rather slam my fingers in a door (yah)
Again and again and again and again and again

Yes, I'd rather jump naked on a huge pile of thumbtacks
Or stick my nostrils together with crazy glue
I'd rather dive into a swimming pool filled with double-edged razor blades
Than spend one more minute with you

Slime Creatures From Outer Space - This is it!  This is the song that I was obsessed with when my Dad gave me the Dare To Be Stupid album.  When I listened to this I'd have a whole story of these Slime Creatures play out in my head.  I used to wish that someone would make a movie out of it.....still do actually!

Sample Lyric:

There's more comin' every day
And they just won't go away
Now they're reproducing in the sewers

They got hands all covered with fungus
They got eyes like some kinda bug
I sure hope they don't come in here
I just shampooed the rug

Polka Party - 1986

Just One of Those Days - Great song in which Al talks about mundane annoyances in the same light that he talks about horrible happens....apparently losing a sock in the dryer is just as annoying as having freaks burning crosses out on your front lawn!

Lyric Sample

A 747 crashed into my den
And there's nothin' but tater tots for dinner again
It's just one of those days
Never mind, it's just one of those days

Big steamroller just ran over my mom
And I cut myself shaving and they're dropping the bomb
It's just one of those days
That's all, it's just one of those days

Christmas at Ground Zero - A great apocalyptic Christmas song.  The music is dead on in it's emulation of the classic Christmas tunes....which makes the lyrics about the impending nuclear holocaust all the more disturbing/hilarious.

Lyric Sample

Well it's Christmas at Ground Zero
There's panic in the crowd
We can dodge debris while we trim the tree
Underneath the mushroom cloud

Oh, it's Christmas at Ground Zero
And if the radiation level's okay
I'll go out with you and see all the new
Mutations on new year's day

Even Worse - 1988

Melanie - This is pretty much a song sung from the perspective of a psycho stalker.  He spends the song pining for the title character before the "big reveal" about his current condition and how psychotic he really is.

Sample Lyric

I just can't understand it
Why won't you return my phone calls
Are you still mad I gave a Mohawk to your cat
If you'd just say the word
I'm certain that our love would last forever and ever
Or are you too dumb to realize that

You weren't impressed when I tattooed your name across my forehead
You wouldn't listen when I promised to be true
I couldn't stand it so I jumped out from the sixteenth story window
Right above you
Now I may be dead but I still love you  

Good Old Days -  Call it Melanie's thematic sequel on the album.  Good Old Days is a style parody written in the style of James Taylor.  It is sung from the perspective of a complete psychotic sociopath as he looks back at his younger days.  This is one of the darkest songs that Al's written, I think.

I can still remember good old Mr. Fender
Who ran the corner grocery store
Oh, he'd strolled down the aisle with a big friendly smile
And he'd say "Howdy" when you walked in the door
Always treated me nice, gave me kindly advice
I don't know why I set fire to his place
Oh I'll never forget the day I bashed in his head
Well you should've seen the look on his face

Do you remember sweet Michelle
She was my high school romance
She was fun to talk to and nice to smell
So I took her to the homecoming dance
Then I tied her to a chair and I shaved off all her hair
And I left her in the desert all alone
Well sometimes in my dreams
I can still hear the screams
Oh I wonder if she ever made it home

UHF - The Original Motion Picture Soundtrack and Other Stuff - 1989

Attack of the Radioactive Hamsters From A Planet Near Mars  -  This one really is pretty lighthearted but it's got a similar theme to Slime Creatures.....only with mutated giant hamsters.....

Lyric Sample

Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars
They're back and they're lookin' for a snack
And they're not that fond of Burger Kings or salad bars
I hope they're not plannin' to stay
Who invited them here anayway
Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars

Well, well, look at that hamster, he's as big as a blimp
And there's one the size of central park
They're using telephone pole to pick their teeth
They're evil and nasty and they glow in the dark
Oh, don't waste any more of your bullets, boys
You know it just makes 'em mad when you shoot
They're gonna stomp us into jelly and conquer the world
But you gotta admit, they're really kinda cute, now

Off The Deep End - 1992

Trigger Happy - A 50''s Beach Boys style ode to firearms, sung from the view point of the paranoid, inept and clumsy gun enthusiast.  NRA be proud.....

 Sample Lyrics

Oh, I accidently shot daddy last night in the den
I mistook him in the dark for a drug-crazed Nazi again
Now why'd you have to get so mad?
It was just a lousy flesh wound, Dad
You know, I'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day

Oh, I still haven't figured out the safety on my rifle yet
Little Fluffy took a round, better take him to the vet
I filled that kitty cat so full of lead
We'll have to use him for a pencil instead
Well, I'm so trigger happy, trigger happy every day

You Don't Love Me Anymore - A beautiful ballad about a girlfriend and/or wife who is trying to kill her husband/boyfriend, though he seems to be oblivious of the seriousness of her attempts.....he is in denial that their love is gone.

Sample Lyrics

I knew that we were having problems when
You put those piranhas in my bathtub again
You're still the light of my life
Oh darling, I'm beggin', won't you put down that knife?

You know, I even think it's kinda cute the way
You poison my coffee just a little each day
I still remember the way that you laughed
When you pushed me down that elevator shaft

Alapalooza - 1993

Jurassic Park -  Parody of MacArthur Park, obviously.  Not really dark, but there's fun lyrics about getting disemboweled so that has to count for something, right?

Sample Lyrics

I cannot approve of this attraction
'Cause getting disemboweled always makes me kinda mad
A huge tyrannosaurus ate our lawer
Well, I suppose that proves... they're really not all bad

Jurassic Park is frightning in the dark
All the dinosaurs are running wild
Someone let T. Rex out of his pen
I'm afraid those things'll harm me
'Cause they sure don't act like Barney
And they think that I'm their dinner, not their friend
Oh no.....

Talk Soup -  This one really isn't dark at all, but I thought I would include it because it's a cousin to Midnight Star in a sense.  This song is about all the crazy people you see on daytime talk tv shows.  There are some nods to Bigfoot and close encounters in there so that helps....

Sample Lyrics

I'm just an anorexic codependant bingo addict
Stripper born without a chin
And I'm only comfortable talking about it
When the whole wide world is listening in

I'm just a cross-dressin' alcoholic neo-Nazi
Porno star, as you may have guessed
And I'm really gonna feel a whole lot better
If you let me get this thing off my chest

Bad Hair Day - 1996

Everything You Know Is Wrong -  This is a pretty far out there song, which I love.  Again, not really dark per se.....but it's got tons of bizarreness in it.  The song is another style parody....in this case of They Might Be Giants.  One of my all time favorites!

Sample Lyrics

And as I'm laying bleeding there on the asphalt
Finally I recognize the face of my hibachi dealer
Who takes off his prosthetic lips and tells me
Everything you know is wrong
Black is white, up is down and short is long
And everything you thought was just so
Important doesn't matter

I was walkin' to the kitchen for some Golden Grahams
When I accidentally stepped into an alternate dimension
And soon I was abducted by some aliens from space
Who kinda looked like Jamie Farr
They sucked out my internal organs
And they took some polaroids
And said I was a darn good sport
And as a way of saying thank you
They offered to transport me back to
Any point in history that I would care to go

I Remember Larry - Song about a guy reminiscing about a neighborhood kid who used to pull horrible pranks on everyone....until revenge was served!  

Sample Lyrics

Say, do you remember that guy Larry next door
Well, he always was the neighborhood clown
Like the time he took my pants off and he took those color pictures
And posted copies all over town
Or the time that he dumped toxic waste on my lawn
Or those wacky prank phone calls from midnight 'till dawn
What a crazy kid Larry was, always foolin' around

Say, do you remember when I broke in Larry's house
Late at night and tied his mouth with a rag
Then I dragged him by his ankles to the middle of the forest
And stuffed him in a big plastic bag
If the cops ever find him, who knows what they'd say
But I'm sure if ol' Lar' were still with us today
He would have to agree with me it was a pretty good gag

 

The Night Santa Went Crazy -   This is another one of Al's songs that I think would make an awesome movie!  Plenty of nice descriptive lines about the carnage that ol' Saint Nick inflicted!

Sample Lyrics

Down in the workshop all the elves were makin' toys
For the good Gentile girls and the good Gentile boys
When the boss busted in, nearly scared 'em half to death
Had a rifle in his hands and cheap whiskey on his breath
From his beard to his boots he was covered with ammo
Like a big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo
And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye,
"Merry Christmas to all - now you're all gonna die!"

Well, the workshop is gone now, he decided to bomb it
Everywhere you'll find pieces of Cupid and Comet
And he tied up his helpers and he held the elves hostage
And he ground up poor Rudolph into reindeer sausage
He got Dancer and Prancer with an old German Luger
And he slashed up Dasher just like Freddy Krueger
And he picked up a flamethrower and he barbequed Blitzen
And he took a big bite and said, "It tastes just like chicken!"

Running With Scissors - 1999

Your Horoscope For Today - Another song that I think has a bit of a relation to Midnight Star.  Mainly because I'm pretty convinced that these are the horoscopes printed in the latest addition of the fictitious tabloid.  Some humorously grisly stuff......

Sample Lyrics

Gemini
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest

Virgo
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you
Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick

Albuquerque - Holy hell.  I'm not even sure if this technically classifies itself as a song.....think Arlo Guthrie's Alice's Restaurant on a crack/meth cocktail.  In other words...pure genius.

Sample Lyrics

Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C
And I turned on the SpectraVision
And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow
That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door

Well now, who could that be?
I say "Who is it?"
No answer
"Who is it?"
There's no answer
"WHO IS IT?"
They're not sayin' anything

So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected
It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril
Oh man, I hate it when I'm right
So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel
And I'm like "Hey, you can't have that"
"That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me"
And he's like "Tough"
And I'm like "Give it"
And he's like "Make me"
And I'm like "'Kay"
So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus
And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows
And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation
Yes indeed, you better believe it
And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook
And twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice
And you know what it said?
I'll tell you what it said

Poodle Hat - 2003

Party at the Leper Colony - Another fine example of Al's sick and twisted sense of humor.  Obviously the jokes involve various body parts falling off of people.

Sample Lyrics

Finger food and an ice cold keg
It won't cost you an arm and a leg
Dance all night to a rotten band
Come on, people, let's give 'em a hand

Met a little lady so pretty and young
She was quite a little talker 'till the cat got her tongue
She oozed up beside me, I turned on my charm
Well, pretty soon she was completely disarmed

Why Does This Always Happen To Me - Al sings about horrible tragedies and how the minor inconvenience that it causes him is truly the most awful thing that could happen.  This is actually a pretty sharp commentary on the state of society.  In this day and age of You Tube and constant streaming news we have become so jaded that tragedies don't seem quite so horrible.....because we constantly hear about them. 

Sample Lyrics

I was driving down the highway when all the traffic slowed to a crawl
There was a twelve-car pile-up, everybody dead
And I saw brains and guts and vital organs splattered everywhere
As well as my friend Robert's disembodied head

And I thought - Poor Rob, I just had lunch with him
Hey, wait a minute, he still owes me money - what a jerk
Well, there's five bucks that I'm never gonna see again
Plus now, on top of everything else, it looks like I'm gonna be late to work

Straight Outta Lynwood - 2006

Do I Creep You Out? - Another stalker ballad.....a parody of the song Do I Make You Proud?

Sample Lyric

I like to feel
The warm spot on your chair
Sometimes I drool
And usually I stare
My precious one
I saved that gum
That you threw in the garbage

You're the one I dream about
But the only question with me now
Is "Do I creep you out?"
Everytime I shake your hand now
Wanna stick your fingers in my mouth
Do I creep you out? 

 Weasel Stomping Day - Al up to his demented best.  The theme song for the title made up holiday.  I wish it was a real holiday though....sounds like fun!  Kidding of course.  What really makes this song is the crunching and squishing sounds accompanied by the sound of screaming weasels....

Sample Lyrics

All the little girls and boys
Love that wonderful crunching noise
You'll know what this day's about
When you stomp a weasel's guts right out

So, come along and have a laugh
Snap their weasely spines in half
Grap your boots and stomp your cares away
Hip hip hooray, it's Weasel Stomping Day 

Al released a brand new album yesterday titled Alpocalypse.  I have not had a chance to listen to it yet so I can not as of yet comment on the songs that appear on that album....once I get a few good listens in, I will add the newest album to the list....but this should keep ya going for a while.  If you are an Al fan, then I'm sure you'll enjoy going back and revisiting these songs.  Or maybe you're new to Al's zaniness....in that case I hope you find this a good jumping off point.