Fingers at the Window - Ax Murder Lunacy!

Fingers at the Window
1942
D: Charles Lederer
W: Rose Caylor & Lawrence P. Bachmann

S: Lew Ayres, Laraine Day & Basil Rathbone
Rated PG - Approx 80 Minutes
MGM

Taglines
 - DANGER AT NIGHTFALL! 
ROMANCE AT DAYBREAK! 

Alternate Titles
Dedos Diabólicos (Diabolical Fingers)  - Brazil
Schatten am Fenster (Shadow at the Window)  - Germany

Follia scatenata (Madness Unleashed)  - Italy







"Very pretty shot, Inspector.  A bullseye!"
                                                          -Dr. Cromwall

Turner Classic Movies never ceases to astound me.  There I was searching for Halloween goodies to stock up the ol' DVR with and while searching through the listings, I happened across this interesting title:  Fingers at the Window.  "Gee, that sounds like it could be a horror flick" I said to myself.  Was I right?  Well, no....not exactly....I certainly would not classify this as an outright horror flick.  More like murder-mystery noir with horror overtones.

See there's been a rash of ax murders in Chicago.  Now before you say "1940's Slasher Flick" (which is what I thought I had stumble onto at first) I should tell you that these murders are not all committed by a single homicidal maniac.  In fact each of the six murders were committed by six different men.  Each of them highly mentally disturbed.....and I do mean DISTURBED....we're talking One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest here.  So what's tying it all together?  Why are mental patients suddenly taking up axes and chopping up the good citizens of Chicago?  Ah, well, therein lies the mystery.

I don't think it's really a spoiler to tell you that it's the work of a single mastermind who is manipulating these men to murder.  That we find out quite early on.  It's the who and it's the why that make up the mystery.

Our two main protagonists, Edwina Brown and Oliver Duffy meet one night when Duffy spies a man with an ax following Edwina down a darkened street.  Oliver being the wonderful and caring fellow that he is escorts Edwina home and watches over her from the fire escape.  Seems like sticking your neck out quite a bit for someone you just met....but hey, what do I know.

As you may suspect a romance begins to brew between the two as the mystery deepens and another madman tries to turn Edwina into chopped liver (and intestines....and pancreas....and spleen).  Duffy is on the case and (much to the chagrin of Inspector Gallagher, the lead homicide man on the case) starts to play detective himself.  

The acting is delightfully over the top in typical 40's fashion.  Duffy (played by Lew Ayers) isn't exactly a dashing hero but he's quite amusing and clever.  Edwina  (played by Laraine Day) is quite beautiful and their chemistry on screen is warm yet a bit wonky.  Though it's played for humor, their banter back and forth is at times funny yet off putting as he outright calls her an idiot or tells another character that she hasn't got the brains of a pancake.  You get the sense that they were attempting to make them something of a comedy team with Duffy as the partner with the one liners....but it adds unintentional humor where it doesn't belong.  Edwina doesn't help matters much with some of her dialog either.  At one point confessing that she'd been lying about important information before because she was afraid that he wouldn't be romantically interested in her anymore.  I'll tell ya what....if someone's trying to chop me up with an ax....I'll worry about romance after the stalker and potential killer is taken care of.

Likewise the police and the psychiatrist they hire to help profile the killer are some of the most gullible and dim witted I've seen in some time.  A psychiatrist who is supposedly one of the most respected and renowned in the entire world was easily fooled into thinking that Duffy was mental patient simply because he emulated what he saw another mental patient doing a few hours before.  No examination.  No Rorschach Test....no nothing.  Five minutes of conversation and BLAMMO!  He's got a full diagnosis for his "disorder" and not only that, allows him access to patient files because he believes him to be harmless!!!  The police go along with whatever anybody tells them without much investigation or examination.  It's a bit frustrating at times, but ultimately it all adds to the films wonky charms.

Gore:
Are you kidding?  This was made in 1942!  No gore.

T&A
Once again....nope.

Creatures Featured:
No creatures....but you do get several ax murderers stalking the streets of Chicago and an evil mastermind!

Final Thoughts
Don't let my small rant before sway you.  The character flaws with the protagonists, psychiatrist and police are really minor grips in the long run.  If you are a fan of classic films and noir films in particular then I think that you'll have a lot of fun with this one.  There are some great uses of light and shadow in the cinematography and the revelation and resolution of the mystery at the end are quite satisfying.

Final Rating
Three out of  Five Pizza Rolls

The Midnight Cinephile Podcast Episode II - With Special Guest Doc Terror!

At long last, the wait is over.  The Midnight Cinephile podcast is now free to be consumed by the masses.  I truly hope that you enjoy listening to this episode as much as I had making it.
I started out this episode with the thought that there would be a structure to it.  Instead what came out was a very candid and energetic conversation between two horror fans that was nothing short of epic.  We span the universe of horror covering everything from new VOD and theater releases to haunted houses, Halloween TV programming, to our love of VHS.

Nearly two hours of solid horror entertainment all for the incredibly affordable price of free!
The podcast can be downloaded from Lybsyn.com HERE

For those who would rather listen to it right here on Midnight Cinephile, just press play below!





A huge thank you to James Harris for being a guest on the show!

Enjoy!

Friday the 13th: The Computer Game - Pixelated Vorhees

Tonight, dear friends, I thought that I would try something a little different.  Besides being a cinephile and having a deep and profound love of horror films, you may have surmised (if you've been a longtime reader) that I am also a gamer.  One of my biggest passions besides horror, is retro-gaming.  Now, you may think that a strange thing to be talking about with Pre'Ween going on and all, but I'm here tonight to tell you about a game the scared the ever lovin' shit out of me when I was knee high to a ghoul.  

Say, that looks familiar!

Is it just me or does Amanda Baxter look deformed?

Help us Gerry!  You're our only hope!

That game is Friday the 13th:  The Computer Game.  Not to be confused with the terrible (yet still pop-culture-riffic Friday the 13th for the NES by LJN.  I know that the purple 8-Bit Jason has become something of a cash cow as of late.  As incredibly awesome as purple Jason and the NES are, I want to tell you about what came before.  

Picture it:  It's late at night, 1985 or '86.  A young me is sitting intently in front of the family Commodore 64.  I say it's the "Family" C64....but c'mon.....we all know that I ruled over that thing and was constantly on it playing video games.  I digress.  It's nighttime.  The rest of the family is in the living room watching The Facts of Life or something.  I'm sitting in the dark in the computer/dining room intently starting at the computer monitor.  The sound is turned up.  A digital scream shatters the silence and I jump half way to mars with a startled yelp.  Jason has slain another camp counselor.  

I've currently got the chainsaw (that's the thing that looks like a cross between a rocket ship and a key where it say WEAPON on the bottom........

Just taking a stroll through the cemetery....nothing to see here!

Friday the 13th:  The Computer Game was released in 1985 for the Commodore 64 and in 1986 ports for the ZX Spectrum and Amstrad CPC are released.  For those of you keeping track, that's a year (Or two years in the later case) after Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter hit theaters.  Speaking of which, that film is exactly where this game took it's box art and C64 loading screen from!  

The object of the game is simple.  Hunt down and kill Jason all the while keeping your friends safe and alive!  This, however is easier said than done because Jason has gone and disguised himself as one of the counselors.  The only time you see Jason's true form is when he is attacking someone or when he himself is being attacked.  Jason's true form is bound to piss off just about every person that plays the game.  No hockey mask.  No one-eyed potato sack.  Nope.  What you get is a dude with black hair wearing a black halter top and black pants!  Seriously!  WTF?

What the HELL????????

Slashing away at Jason with the machete.  Sadly I lost two camp counselors along the way.

Even more fucked up is the way in which you must hunt Jason down. which is by attacking your friends with one of ten weapons that are strewn around the semi-quasi-isometric game world.!  Wanna find Jason?  You best whack your buddy with a machete and give your best girl a slice with the chainsaw!  If they're normal kids, they'll kinda lean back (as folks are likely to do when assaulted with a deadly weapon) and then just keep on keepin' on.  Jason however will change into his black breakdance outfit and start to attack you.  At this point it's kill or be killed.

So for the most part, you will be walking around in a flick screen environment, which includes spooky woods, an archery range, farmland, a cemetery, a cabin, a church and even an old barn.  Each of the buildings can be entered as well, each having multiple rooms.  

The church oughta be a safe place, right?     RIGHT???

Hmmmm...decisions, decisions.....do I want the hatchet or machete.....

Something strange is going on in this cabin.....

The soundtrack is pretty decent for chiptune melodies.  The opening screen starts with Bach's Tocatta and Fugue in D Minor.  Once game play starts, the several different tracks are looped, including a generic chip tune, The Wedding March & Teddy Bear Picnic!  I'll tell you what....there is something a little unsettling about walking around whacking folks with an axe while listening to Teddy Bear Picnic.  Hell, one time I had an epic fight with Jason in front of the church while The Wedding March played.  Seriously weird stuff.  Speaking of sound design, one of the most effective bits occurs when Jason kills a counselor:  a digital scream emits from the computer while the image of skulls, or a guy getting a machete to the head flash across the screen.  I'll tell you what...for a little kid, that shit's terrifying!

Upon replaying the game for this review (via a C64 emulator), I've gotta say.....it still has the power to make me jump.  I'm once again sitting up alone in the dark.  The Mrs. went to bed hours ago.  It's just me and my laptop with my headphones on.  Damned if I didn't jump straight up every time Jason killed a counselor.  

First time Jason killed, this screen assaulted my retinas while more

What the hell?  They actually allowed stuff like this in video games back when I was young!  This image is forever burned into my brain.

So if you're looking for for good Halloween fun and the retro bug has been nipping at your heels, give Friday the 13th: The Computer Game a try.  Once you get in there and start hunting for Jason, you want want to stop!  As far as I know, this game has no actual end....it just keeps looping for you to play with new counselors.  Still, don't let that sway ya.  If you've got a hankering for some of the pixelated red stuff, you can't go wrong with this little hack 'em up!

AH CRAP!  There's a dead body under that tree!  I must be getting close to Jason!

If a psychotic undead wraith kills you in the woods....do you still bleed?

My final showdown with Jason was (fittingly) in the graveyard!

Six Great Campfire Tales

As you know, I've recently left the hustle and bustle of the city and relocated to the quaint and easy going serenity of the country.  It's been rough the last 3 to 4 weeks, but at long last it's time to relax.  I've been on vacation for the past week and I've been watching a ton of horror movies & TV shows, been catching up on some gaming (also much of which is horror based) and I've been having an absolute blast sitting around the fire pit with the Mrs.

Earlier this week, as we sat around the fire, staring up at a gorgeous sky full of stars and a brilliant moon, I started to think about the semi-recurring segment that I run sometimes called Midnight Cinephile's Favorite Scenes.  I was thinking about the first installment (Ghostbusters - "The Dead Have Been Rising From The Grave" scene) and how I was talking about The Campfire Story Feel™ which in turn led me to start thinking of my favorite campfire tales in movies.

So here, in no particular order are six of my favorite campfire scenes from (mostly) horror movies!  Enjoy!


Cabin Fever
This one reminds me of one of the stories that my buddy Dave and I would tell each other.  It's got that gruesome creep factor as well as a quasi-ridiculous punch ending that is both slightly disturbing yet absolutely hilarious.  I'm a sucker for good ol' campfire tales like this one.  The tale itself revolves around a bowling alley and it's most unfortunately employees who are tied up, murdered and dismembered by for disgruntled colleague.  It's all in here, gruesome murder, a psychotic killer and of course bowling with body parts!

Stand By Me
While not exactly a horror movie, Stand by Me is one of my favorite King film adaptations.  The story told around the fire is also not frightening, however it does have all the elements of a great campfire story.  It's a tale of revenge when a bullied over kid decides to wreck vengeance on the cruel townfolk during a blueberry pie eating contest.  The build-up to the punch is fantastic and the payoff is disgusting and quite comical as well.

Invasion From Inner Earth aka They
You may remember my review of Bill Rebane's wonky sci-fi alien invasion flick, They, or as it's more commonly known "Invasion from Inner Earth.  What makes this flick so unique is the fact that instead of trying to show the epic invasion of our planet, we're instead trapped in a remote cabin in the snowbound woods in the middle of winter.  When it becomes apparent that our protagonists will have to try and make a break for it, they trek off into the wilderness.  This campfire sequence stands out among the others in that it takes place during the day.  Also, this isn't a simple story being told to entertain the group, rather it's a theory of where the aliens came from.  You may see it as wonky and cheesy, but I see it as one of the great unsung campfire scenes in a low budget flick.

Meatballs
Once again breaking away from horror, we have one of the seminal campfire story scenes.  Of course Meatballs was going to make the list!  Trip (the legendary Bill Murray) takes the CIT's (that's Counselors In Training in case ya weren't the camp type) on an overnight camping trip.  Naturally as they sit around the fire, Trip tells the tale of a young couple out on lovers lane, who discover that an escaped lunatic with a hook for a hand is on the loose.  It's the most cliched of all campfire tales, yet Murray's performance is so hilariously over the top it's impossible not to get sucked in!

The Fog
This one STILL gives me the chills.  In my humble opinion, it's one of the best openings to a film, horror or not.  The tale of the Elizabeth Dane (a clipper ship) and it's tragic end on the rocks near Spivey Point due to a campfire lit on shore.  Of course the tale takes place exactly 100 years before the story is being told.  The ship is still down there in the depths and her crew ready to exact vengeance.

Friday the 13th Part II
Quintessential 80's campfire cheese (or in this case marshmellow?).  Now remember, this is Part II so no one has seen full grown Jason yet.  We've only see freaky-little-boy-pulling-people-into-the-lake-Jason so far.  This one is awesome and it really evokes the spooky vibe on the best campfire tales with of course a jump scare thrown in for good measure (I won't spoil it for the two of you that haven't seen the film yet).  I never tire of this one.

I hope you enjoyed this little campfire countdown.  Lemme know what some of your favorite campfire scenes are either in the comments below or on the Midnight Cinephile Facebook Page!

Triassic Attack - Dino Bones Run Amok

Triassic Attack
2010
D: Colin Ferguson
W: Russell J. Friedman & Tripp Reed
S: Steven Brand, Kirsty Mitchell & Raoul Trujillo
Unrated - 84 Minutes
Syfy

Taglines:
None

Alternate Titles:
Atak dinozaurów (Dinosaur Attack) Poland










"That is utterly horrifying."
                                           -Wyatt

One of the things that I love the most about Syfy's original movies is that they all go for the gold.  They don't worry about things like budget when they're writing their scripts, shooting for the stars and then worrying about everything else later.  I would love to be a fly on the wall for some of these pitch meetings:

Syfy: "So you want to have re-animated dinosaur fossils run rampant through the countryside and town and wreck stuff?"

Colin Ferguson: "Well....yes."

Syfy:  "Perfect!  You're budget is $10,000.  You will not have access to a special effects crew, so here's an IBM Compatible x286 with a slightly used voodoo graphics card.  Also, it runs in DOS, so you'll probably need to get a manual off E-Bay to use it.  The film is due in seven days.  Good luck, kid!"

At least that's how I imagine it, anyway.  The film itself is pure Syfy lunacy of the highest caliber.  When the local university is encroaching on the land belonging to local Native Americans, a peaceful protest is put into effect.  Unfortunately the protest is doing no good as papers have already been signed and the university now has legal rights to the land.

Sheriff Jake Roundtree is called to the scene and ends up quasi arresting his uncle, Dakota.  Dakota is leading the charge, so to speak, against the university and please with Roundtree to help him stop them "the old way", whatever that means.  It's at this point that Dakota drops the helpful bit of exposition that Jake's grandfather was a powerful medicine man and that someday he will have to acknowledge his heritage.

Long story short, Dakota (after trashing his kitschy roadside museum and giftshop) performs a ritual that has the unfortunate end result of reanimated dinosaur fossils.  A T-Rex, a Raptor and a Pteranodon all come back to life and immediately start to wreck havoc.   The first place that gets trashed belongs to comic relief, Wyatt.  His trailer that contains the world's largest collection of light bulbs (!?) gets completely destroyed and he runs off into the woods, narrowly escaping becoming a dino-fossil chew toy.

Roundtree is seperated from his archaeologist (who actually, should be a paleontologist....but why split hairs?) wife, who just happens to now be dating the President of the University (how's THAT for convenient).  Their daughter Savannah (played by Emilia Clarke, whom most of you probably know better as Daenerys Targaryen in Game of Thrones) is a bit of a rebel...running off with boys to frat parties and such.

It's a pretty straight forward creature feature flick.  Dino-Fossils come to life, rampage and it's up to a Roundtree and Co. to save the day.  Interestingly, the Dino-Fossils are a bit more difficult to contend with than you might think.  They cannot be destroyed by natural means.  After the Raptor is hit by Roundtree full force with his Jeep, the bones scatter everywhere.....and then magically put themselves back together.  This leads to a cool twist in the third act when (MILD SPOILER) the T-Rex and the Pteranodon are both hit by rockets and their bones scatter and mix together.  They then reform into a single T-Rexodon™ flying fossil and become even more dangerous.

Gore:
There's a little blood here and there, but nothing really to write home about.

T&A
Ha ha ha!  Yeah..........no.  This is a Syfy flick.

Creatures Featured:
For your money, you get a T-Rex, Raptor and Pteranodon fossils re-animated and come back to life to scare the bejesus out of unsuspecting folks.  Also, as mentioned before, the T-Rex and Pteranodon end up merging together into a T-Rexodon™ monster fossil.

Final Thoughts:
I had quite a bit of fun with this one.  It's completely and utterly absurd....but I can't shake the feeling that had this movie been made in 1987, given a metal soundtrack with the dino-fossils animated with stop motion animation....this one have been a cult classic.  I could see this having a ridiculous giant clamshell box with insane artwork of a T-Rex fossil the size climbing up a skyscraper holding a scantily clad, well endowed blonde in it's clutches while the Pteranodon carried a semi-truck through the air.  People are running and screaming on the streets below.

Final Rating: 
Three out of Five Pizza Rolls

The Bunnyman Massacre - Texas Chainsaw Bunnies

The Bunnyman Massacre
2014
D: Carl Lindbergh
W: Carl Lindbergh

S: David Scott, Julianne Dowler &Jennifer June Ross 
Unrated - 90 Minutes
Midnight Releasing

Taglines:
None


Alternate Titles:
The Bunnyman Ressurection - UK
Bunnyman 2 - Working Title







"How many times I gotta tell you that bunnies don't eat meat?"
                                                                                                   -Joe

From Midnight Releasing, who gave us such flicks as Infinite Santa 8000, Hayride and Vs. The Dead comes The Bunnyman Massacre.   This little slasher flick (released this past April) is said to be based on a true story.  The story in question is of course the Bunnyman of Virginia which has been something of an urban legend for the past 35 years or so.  To be honest, this really has about as much to do with that as The Texas Chainsaw Massacre actually had to do with Ed Gein.  There's a dude in a bunny suit and that's about  where the similarities end.

So far so good.  Blood & Boobs

The aftermath of an homage to a kill in Friday the 13th Part VII (The Sleeping Bag Kill)

Speaking of Texas Chainsaw, Bunnyman seems to borrow liberally from TCM on quite a few fronts. What we got here is a fella named Joe who makes beef jerky out of the victims that Bunnyman kills and then sells it to unsuspecting tourists and passerby.  This certainly isn't the first time that TCM has been riffed on, but this time the filmmakers really kind of wear their inspiration on their sleeves.

One of the major problems that I had with the film is the character of Joe.  He's a completely unlikable dick with no character, no personality and nothing for the audience to even remotely identify with.  Bunnyman is essentially filling Leatherface's roll as a mute with a chainsaw.  So it would stand to reason that Joe would be the equivalent to one of the Sawyer clan....The Cook or Chop Top maybe.  Instead we get a one dimensional redneck asshole who just glares at people and spits like a....well....redneck asshole!  The same problem applies to all the victims.  None of them are likable...which normally is fine because let's be honest...you're going to be rooting for the killers anyway.  What you're left with is a whole bunch of girls that you couldn't care less about and a killer you can't get behind, which makes you more or less just an uninterested bystander.

Oh.  Great.  It's Joe.

No TCM ripoff is complete without a dinner scene.

Having said that, I thought Bunnyman was pretty cool.  There is a certain absurdity to a full grown man wearing a bunny costume and wielding a chainsaw.  We do get a glimpse underneath the Bunny head as well and discover that this dude looks like a low budget, fucked up version of The Engineers in Prometheus!

All in all, I can't say that there is a whole lot to recommend unless you're a slasher fan.  On a slightly annoying note, almost the entire film takes place during the day (save for a scene in the beginning which takes place at night, but is shot during the day with a blue filter).  There's a little bit of nudity in the beginning, but to be honest it's pointless and gratuitous.  Not that there's anything wrong with pointless and gratuitous nudity, mind you.  If you feel that you need to see this film, I would recommend waiting until it plays cable on Chiller again.

More fun than a barrel full of monkeys!

Victims numbers 5, 6 & 7 (or something like that...I don't even think they had names)

Gore:
I will say that there are a few decent kills in the flick.  The aforementioned school bus full of children was quite surprising.  There is also a particularly nasty kill where a girl is placed into a plastic barrel.  Sharp screws are drilled into the sides of the barrel all around and she's then kicked down a particularly bumpy hill.  Ooph, what a way to go!

T&A:
Yessir, we've got your obligatory boobs right up front in the beginning for ya!

Creatures Featured:
Bunnyman is a fucked up looking dude wearing a bunny costume that wields a chainsaw.  Joe is a redneck asshole with a rifle.  That 'bout sums up the bad guys!

What the fuck!?

Bunnyman walks off into the sunset.

Final Thoughts:
I would say that I hated the film, but I can also tell ya that I more than likely won't be watching it again.  As I mentioned before, the characters were all completely unlikable and the killer was even MORE so.  It's hard to get into a movie when you wish that a meteor would just fall on the whole lot of them.  Still, if you're in the mood for some mindless slasher action...there are worse films that you could watch.

Final Rating:
One Pizza Roll

The Resurrection of the Midnight Cinephile Podcast

October 1st is finally upon us.

The Halloween Season is now in full swing.  The trees are a bright hue of autumnal colors and every store is stocked full of Halloween treats, goodies & decorations.  For me, this is the most magical time of year.  Anything can happen on Halloween.....or so says Tim Curry.

I'm elated to announce that Midnight Cinephile is now back up and running at full speed and will be better than ever.  You can expect MORE content and a wider variety of content as well.  I've got several projects in the pipeline that I will not be announcing just as of yet.

However, I am beyond excited to announce the return of The Midnight Cinephile Podcast.  Both myself and Travis Love will be returning as your ghost hosts.  In addition each episode we will share the mic with a special guest.

Our first episode is set to drop on October 13th (fittingly enough!)  Our special guest is my good friend Doc Terror.  I'm so excited about it that I've created a promotional MP3 for your enjoyment.

Until then,

STAY SPOOKY!

A Return to Salem's Lot - Moriarty: Vampire Slayer

A Return to Salem's Lot
1987
D: Larry Cohen
W: Stephen King, Larry Cohen & James Dixon

S: Michael Moriarty, Samuel Fuller, Ricky Addison Reed
Rated R - 101 Minutes
Larco Productions

Taglines:
None

Alternative Titles:
El regreso de las brujas de Salem (Return of the Salem Witches) - Argentina
Paluu kauhujen kaupunkiin  (Return to the Horrors of the City) - Finland Les enfants de Salem (Children of Salem) - France
Vámpírok városa (City of Vampires) - Hungary
I vampiri di Salem's Lot (The Vampires of Salem's Lot) - Italy
Powrót do miasteczka Salem (Back to the Town of Salem) - Poland
Salems Lot - återkomsten (Resurgence) - Sweden
Salem 2 - Die Rückkehr (The Return) - West Germany

Stadt der Vampire (City of Vampires) - West Germany



"I'll send his soul to hell!"
                                       - Judge Axel

It seems only fitting after being away for a while that my first review back should be A Return to Salem's Lot.  In many ways though it's only been a month, it feels as though I am worlds away from where I was not even thirty days ago.  I've left the hustle and bustle of the big city and now find myself sitting in the solemn darkness of the country.  Though I have not encountered any vampires yet, it is indeed a chance for me to return to my roots as well as to try and reinvent myself and what I do.

MORIARTY!!!!!!

Smoke 'em if ya got 'em, right Dad!

Enough about myself though, you're here because either A) You're a fan of Michael Moriarty.  B)  You're a fan of 80's vampire flicks or C) You got here by mistake while you were searching for information on Salem, MA.  It is the Halloween season, after all and what better way to celebrate than to tour one of New England's spookiest cities!

Like all sequels to Stephen King films, this has absolutely NOTHING to do with the first film.  Moriarty plays Joe Weber, an anthropologist who gets duped by his ex-wife to come home from somewhere in the green inferno (where he was studying indigenous cannibal tribes) to take care of his trouble teenage son, Jeremy.

Vampires are messy with their snacks.....

Now THAT'S a vampire!  Notice he doesn't sparkle.

Joe and Jeremy head to the small sleepy New England town of Salem's Lot where Joe stayed for a while with his Aunt Clara as a boy.  Joe remembers the town fondly and thinks back to his time spent there as the best time in his life.  Things are a little bit different when they arrive however.  The welcome is less than warm at first.  As it turns out, the entire town is now vampire, save for the hybrids that they keep on hand to act as caretakers and protectors for them during the day (Shooing away passerby's and strangers and such).

After stumbling on their secret, Joe is asked to write the vampire bible for them, to which he reluctantly agrees.  Soon, he has no choice as the vampires slowly take control of his son, turning him against his father with the help of some of the town's vampire children and the anti-human propaganda that is spewed forth at the vampire children's school.  It's now up to Joe, along with the help of an aging Nazi Hunter, to save his son and put a stop to the bloodsuckers for good.

"Don't worry dear....we're just going to eat you"

Van Meer's driving the bus....

There are a good many people who will tell you that this is not a good film.  I say poppycock.  POPPYCOCK!  On the contrary, this is 80's vampire cinema at it's goofy best!  Don't get me wrong, this ain't no Lost Boys....but this kicks Twilight in the sparkly nards all day long!  For your money, you get vampires that transform and show you their "true faces" (which basically means they turn into purple monsters that are the best kind rubber Halloween mask cheese).  You've got vampires of all ages and sizes.  The most dangerous vampires are the town elders, which is a refreshing change of pace from the pretty boy vampires that populate today's films.  There's blood, gore, death by holy water, stakings and even some good ol' fashioned T&A!  What's not to love?

Sure the acting is a bit on the rough side, but that really is kinda what gives this it's wonky charm.  It's not in the completely-wooden-reading-off-cue-cards acting, it's more scenery chewing and I-can't-believe-I-have-to-say-this type of line delivery.  You can tell that everyone was having a ball making the film though.  Michael Moriarty is a blast to watch as usual and gives another solid B-Movie performance.

I would at least lay a blanket down...sheesh!  

These mail order brides are getting ridiculous!

Death Toll:  I kinda lost count on the death toll on this one, to be honest....mainly due to the fact that at the beginning of the third act, the vampires slaughter and entire bus full of tourists!  Plus it's was difficult to keep tabs on how many vampires went down.

T&A:  There's a little skin on display here.  You get one full set of breasts!  That's more than some movies I've been reviewing lately!

Creature Factor:  You've got vampires up the wazoo here.  They come in all shapes, sizes and ages too!  Town elders, regular adults and children alike.  Plus sometimes you get to see a vampire in his "true form", which is goofy as all hell (which means it's AWESOME!).

Holy water is a bitch, ins't it?

Final Thoughts:
If you are in the mood for a good late 80's popcorn vampire flick, then you really can't go wrong with A Return to Salem's Lot.  The flick oozes late 80's charm and even manages to have a few moments of creepiness (the children playing in the school playground at night is pretty creepy!).

Final Rating:
Three out of Five Pizza Rolls!