A Return to Salem's Lot - Moriarty: Vampire Slayer

A Return to Salem's Lot
1987
D: Larry Cohen
W: Stephen King, Larry Cohen & James Dixon

S: Michael Moriarty, Samuel Fuller, Ricky Addison Reed
Rated R - 101 Minutes
Larco Productions

Taglines:
None

Alternative Titles:
El regreso de las brujas de Salem (Return of the Salem Witches) - Argentina
Paluu kauhujen kaupunkiin  (Return to the Horrors of the City) - Finland Les enfants de Salem (Children of Salem) - France
Vámpírok városa (City of Vampires) - Hungary
I vampiri di Salem's Lot (The Vampires of Salem's Lot) - Italy
Powrót do miasteczka Salem (Back to the Town of Salem) - Poland
Salems Lot - återkomsten (Resurgence) - Sweden
Salem 2 - Die Rückkehr (The Return) - West Germany

Stadt der Vampire (City of Vampires) - West Germany



"I'll send his soul to hell!"
                                       - Judge Axel

It seems only fitting after being away for a while that my first review back should be A Return to Salem's Lot.  In many ways though it's only been a month, it feels as though I am worlds away from where I was not even thirty days ago.  I've left the hustle and bustle of the big city and now find myself sitting in the solemn darkness of the country.  Though I have not encountered any vampires yet, it is indeed a chance for me to return to my roots as well as to try and reinvent myself and what I do.

MORIARTY!!!!!!

Smoke 'em if ya got 'em, right Dad!

Enough about myself though, you're here because either A) You're a fan of Michael Moriarty.  B)  You're a fan of 80's vampire flicks or C) You got here by mistake while you were searching for information on Salem, MA.  It is the Halloween season, after all and what better way to celebrate than to tour one of New England's spookiest cities!

Like all sequels to Stephen King films, this has absolutely NOTHING to do with the first film.  Moriarty plays Joe Weber, an anthropologist who gets duped by his ex-wife to come home from somewhere in the green inferno (where he was studying indigenous cannibal tribes) to take care of his trouble teenage son, Jeremy.

Vampires are messy with their snacks.....

Now THAT'S a vampire!  Notice he doesn't sparkle.

Joe and Jeremy head to the small sleepy New England town of Salem's Lot where Joe stayed for a while with his Aunt Clara as a boy.  Joe remembers the town fondly and thinks back to his time spent there as the best time in his life.  Things are a little bit different when they arrive however.  The welcome is less than warm at first.  As it turns out, the entire town is now vampire, save for the hybrids that they keep on hand to act as caretakers and protectors for them during the day (Shooing away passerby's and strangers and such).

After stumbling on their secret, Joe is asked to write the vampire bible for them, to which he reluctantly agrees.  Soon, he has no choice as the vampires slowly take control of his son, turning him against his father with the help of some of the town's vampire children and the anti-human propaganda that is spewed forth at the vampire children's school.  It's now up to Joe, along with the help of an aging Nazi Hunter, to save his son and put a stop to the bloodsuckers for good.

"Don't worry dear....we're just going to eat you"

Van Meer's driving the bus....

There are a good many people who will tell you that this is not a good film.  I say poppycock.  POPPYCOCK!  On the contrary, this is 80's vampire cinema at it's goofy best!  Don't get me wrong, this ain't no Lost Boys....but this kicks Twilight in the sparkly nards all day long!  For your money, you get vampires that transform and show you their "true faces" (which basically means they turn into purple monsters that are the best kind rubber Halloween mask cheese).  You've got vampires of all ages and sizes.  The most dangerous vampires are the town elders, which is a refreshing change of pace from the pretty boy vampires that populate today's films.  There's blood, gore, death by holy water, stakings and even some good ol' fashioned T&A!  What's not to love?

Sure the acting is a bit on the rough side, but that really is kinda what gives this it's wonky charm.  It's not in the completely-wooden-reading-off-cue-cards acting, it's more scenery chewing and I-can't-believe-I-have-to-say-this type of line delivery.  You can tell that everyone was having a ball making the film though.  Michael Moriarty is a blast to watch as usual and gives another solid B-Movie performance.

I would at least lay a blanket down...sheesh!  

These mail order brides are getting ridiculous!

Death Toll:  I kinda lost count on the death toll on this one, to be honest....mainly due to the fact that at the beginning of the third act, the vampires slaughter and entire bus full of tourists!  Plus it's was difficult to keep tabs on how many vampires went down.

T&A:  There's a little skin on display here.  You get one full set of breasts!  That's more than some movies I've been reviewing lately!

Creature Factor:  You've got vampires up the wazoo here.  They come in all shapes, sizes and ages too!  Town elders, regular adults and children alike.  Plus sometimes you get to see a vampire in his "true form", which is goofy as all hell (which means it's AWESOME!).

Holy water is a bitch, ins't it?

Final Thoughts:
If you are in the mood for a good late 80's popcorn vampire flick, then you really can't go wrong with A Return to Salem's Lot.  The flick oozes late 80's charm and even manages to have a few moments of creepiness (the children playing in the school playground at night is pretty creepy!).

Final Rating:
Three out of Five Pizza Rolls!

Vamp - Nudie Bar of the Damned

Vamp
1986
Directed by Richard Wenk
Written by: Donald P. Borchers & Richard Wenk

Starring Chris Makepeace, Sandy Baron & Robert Rusler

Rated R - Approx 93 Min.
Balcor Film Investors

Planet Productions

Taglines:
 - A Frightening Comedy
 - the first kiss is the deepest.
 - Ever have one of those nights?

 - The first kiss could be your last.

Alternate Titles:
El club del terror (The Horror Club) - Argentina
A Noite dos Vampiros (Night of the Vampires) - Brazil
La fiesta de los vampiros (Feast of the Vampires) - Peru

Clube da Meia-Noite (Midnight Club) - Portugal


"Formica....go figure!"
                                    -AJ

In all the years that I haunted the aisles of my beloved Video Paradise, there was one film that constantly eluded me:  Vamp.  The film was constantly rented out, it seemed and I was obsessed with seeing it.  I was mesmerized by Grace Jones clownish make-up and red hair on the cover.  I had only ever seen her in Conan the Destroyer before (I wasn't interested in 007 flicks back then so I hadn't seen A View To A Kill Yet) and quite frankly she kinda freaked me out in her role as Zula.  But there was something dark and sensuous about her on that VHS cover.

Just some guys out on the town on a Friday night.....what could go wrong?

Our little Mom & Pop video store closed before I was ever able to rent the flick.  Blockbuster had a copy as well, but for whatever reason there was always something else that had caught my attention.  Eventually VHS was replaced by DVD and Vamp vanished from the shelves as well as from my memory for quite some time.  I eventually caught it on late night TV once, but it was either a UHF station or basic cable, because it was heavily edited.  No nudity and no gore.  Which, let's face it, are the selling points of this film!  I'll be honest:  I fell asleep.  Hey, it was late, cut me some slack!

Thus we are brought to present day, where I was finally able to watch the film in it's original format thanks to Netflix.  So was it everything that I had hoped for?  Well....yes.  Yes it was.  First of all, I knew that it was going to be entertaining simply because Gedde Watanabe (Long Duk Dong from Sixteen Candles) was in it!  Add to that one of my favorite 80's wiseacres, Robert Rusler, and I knew that I was rediscovering pure 80's gold.

I dunno what it is....but yeah....this does it for me.  She's like a sexy tribal Ronald McDonald!

AJ (Rusler) and his pal Keith (Chris Makepeace) are a couple of wisecracking college guys trying to get into the big fraternity on campus.  After AJ promises the frat brothers a stripper to impress them, the pair recruit the school's nerdy rich kid, Duncan to loan them a car to head into the city, in exchange they will pretend to be his friends for a week.  Nice guys, eh?

They set their sights on a little place called the After Dark Club which only opens.....wait for it....after dark!  While waiting in a local diner, they run afoul of an odd group of punks lead by the ever bizarre Billy Drago (who is playing an albino!?).  After narrowly escaping with their limbs intact, the fellas head to the club to scope out the talent and try to score themselves a private dancer.....a dancer for money....she'll.....ya know what...I'm just not going to do it.

I remember you....whoa oh whoa oh.....

Inside the club, we are witness to Katrina (Grace Jones) and her ultra erotic, yet completely unsettling strip tease.  Here is where she is wearing the iconic white make-up from the film's VHS cover.  Besides the stark white face paint and bright red hair, her body is covered in tribal like markings, also in white paint and wearing a metal bikini that puts Princess Leia's to shame.  Not to mention her piercing blue eyes.  The first time I watched this sequence, it kinda freaked me out a bit.  Jones' performance is animalistic and completely bizarre, but goddamn if it isn't sexy!

Apparently, AJ agreed with my assessment because he decides that she's the perfect performer for their college friends.  He arranges to meet her back stage, where she seduces him (again freaky, yet oddly erotic) and then the whole thing takes a HARD left.  Teeth sprout out, eyes roll back in her head and she gets REAL ugly before taking a chunk out of AJ's neck and feeding on him.

Keith and Duncan meanwhile are waiting out in the club when Keith runs into Allison, who apparently knows him but he does not remember her.  As they begin their search for AJ things start to get even weirder for our heroes.  Apparently the whole town is in on this vampire thing and they don't want Keith, Duncan or Allison getting out to tell anyone.

Vamp is a hyper-stylized film.  The use of neon purple and green lighting in many of the outdoor city (and sewer) scenes lends a very distinct otherworldly vibe.  Only in the 80's could you pull of these kinds of visuals.  The soundtrack is also a quite fitting mesh of new wave, rock and electronica, composed by Jonathan Elias.

AJ's got more than a complexion problem here....

Midnight Cinephile Tally

Death Toll:  A lot of people and vampires die, that's for sure!  Exactly how many?  To be honest I forgot to keep track on this one.  I was completely enthralled by the 80's goodness.  I will have to re-watch and then edit this!

Nude O Meter:  There's plenty of flesh on display in the After Dark Club.  If 80's boobs are your thing, then you've come to the right place.

Things That Go Bump In The Night:  Vampires.  Lots and lots of Vampires.  And Billy Drago.  That guy is so weird.....

Final Thoughts
This is absolute must see 80's horror/comedy here.  There isn't anything that I don't like about this movie.  It's got everything.  Vampires, strippers, vampires, blood, vampires, neon lights, vampires, strippers, vampires, Robert Rusler....um....vampires.....Gedde Watanabe......erm......vampires.  It's like this:  There are only two vampire movies that are MUST SEE from the 80's:  The Lost Boys and Vamp.  Everything else is secondary.  There, I said it!  I'm sure that's gonna stir up some shit.......


Final Rating
Four out of Five Pizza Rolls

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

Coming soon to a theater near you:  More Sparkly Vampires!  Yes, The Cullens are back again in the third installment of the Twilight series, trying to discover who is behind a new wave of murders in Washington.  Could it be the doing of the evil beeyotch Victoria?  Well, if you are reading this article, then you probably are familiar with the plot and know of course that it IS Victoria and her army of newbie vamps.  The Cullens and the Wolves team up to fight off the menace, Edward and Jacob, hide Bella in the forest from Victoria, who wants nothing more than to rip the future Mrs. Cullen to pieces (revenge for her lover being killed in the first book/film).

Well, as these things go, things don't go exactly according to plan and a serious vampire/werewolf smackdown ensues with (I'm told) some serious carnage.  Now I have not actually read any of the books myself, but my darling wife is a HUGE fan and has relayed the story to me, so I've got a pretty good idea what's goin' on!  I won't bore you with furth plot details that I'm sure you're already fully aware of.



David Slade is directing this installment, which is actually pretty exciting for me.  Slade directed the highly underrated 2005 film Hard Candy (starring Ellen Page of Juno and Whip It!) as well as the awesome 30 Days of Night.  So I'm hoping that Mr. Slade is going to bring on some (much needed!) gore for the film!  I must say that I was not a huge fan of the first movie.....I found New Moon to be marginally better, and if what my wife tells me about the third chapter is true, then this film looks to be very enjoyable. 

As far as the soundtrack is concerned, there is still debate as to whether or not Muse will be contributing a song.  You would think they would, seeing as how Slade directed some of thier videos.  There is also talk of Jackson Rathbone's band 100 Monkeys appearing on the soundtrack.  Both Twilight and New Moon have had incredible soundtracks, so I will be most intersted to see the track listing for Eclipse.

Eclipse hits theaters June 30th.  If you are going to the midnight showing (as I'm sure we will be) make sure to bring along some comfortable shoes.  It's a LONG time standing in them lines!  If you (or in my case, you're spouse) love the Twilight series, you really can't afford to miss the theatrical experience.  The cinematography in these films is absolutely outstanding and it is truely a sight to behold on the big screen.  It's a great date movie whether your trying to get snuggly with your new girlfriend or just taking your lovely wife out for the night.