V/H/S/2 - More Found Footage Madness

V/H/S/2
2013
Directed by A Bunch of Different People
Written by A Bunch of Different People
Starring A Bunch of Different People




Tag Line:
Who's Tracking You?



Alternate Titles:
Video/Kastea/2 - Serbia/Croatia/Bosnia





It's time to dust off your VCR's and get ready for more cinéma vérité horrors!  About 9 months ago, I reviewed V/H/S and I loved it.  While the whole "found footage" style has been abused to death, I thought that it was very well done.  On the first go around, the reasoning for some of the characters to have a video camera one them seemed a little far fetched, but were still clever.  On this go around, it was a little more thought in each segment.

The wraparound segment "Tape 49" (Written and Directed by Simon Barrett) this time involves a couple of private investigators who are hired to search for a missing college student.  They break into his last known address and find the place a mess.  There are TV's stacked up much like they were in the first film's wraparound segment.  This of course leads to the watching of VHS tapes to search for clues.

I see dead people!

Phase I Clinical Trials
Written by Adam Wingard
Directed by Simon Barrett

The weakest of the segments is first out of the gate.  It involves a man who receives a high tech camera eye transplant after being in a car accident.  Upon returning home and trying to resume normal life, he starts to experience some, shall we say, technical difficulties.  Besides restoring his sight, this eye has apparently allowed him to view the "other side", and his house is filled with bloody ghosts that terrorize him.  Relying primarily on jump scares, with a couple of genuinely creepy shots thrown in, this segment had me scratching my head a bit.  I can not, for the life of me figure out why the ghosts would turn violent after he receives his new eye.  Supposedly they were always there, but the eye allowed him to see them.  Maybe that pisses them off?  Also, the bit with the girl who had a cochlear implant and can now hear ghosts was obviously there for pure exposition and obligatory T&A.  Not that I have a problem with mindless T&A, mind you.

Zombie-Vision!

A Ride in the Park
Written by Gregg Hale & Eduardo Sánchez
Directed by Jamie Nash & Eduardo Sánchez

I really dug this one!  A man goes for a bike ride on some wooded trails, with a Go Pro camera on attached to his helmet.  Not too far into his ride, a woman covered in blood runs out in front of him.  She's also severely injured and he tries to help her.  Unfortunately for him, she was attacked by zombies and turns herself, attacking and biting him.  What follows next is quite possibly the first POV zombie flick where you are literally watching everything from a zombie's perspective.  It was pretty fun to watch the zombie carnage spread through a birthday party being held at a little campground area.  If you've ever wondered what it would be like to run with the undead pack, this segment should give you a pretty good feel for it!

Ooohh....this isn't good.

Safe Haven
Written by Gareth Evans & Timo Tjahjanto
Directed by Gareth Evals & Timo Tjahjanto

Probably the best of the segments, Safe Haven follows a news crew that is interviewing a cult leader in Indonesia who allows them onto his compound.  The cult is preparing for their ascension to Paradise and it is suggested that the cult lead (known as Father)  has sex with the children on the compound to "purify" them.  The news crew is shooting the interview/documentary with standard cameras, but unknown to Father, they are also wearing hidden camera buttons on their clothes to get the low down on what's really going on.  Father and his cult are creepy enough as it is, but things get REALLY bad when a bell tolls and Father announces that "It it time".

Everything goes bad in apocalyptic proportions on the compound for the news crew.  Mass suicides are just the beginning and the catalyst for the unbelievable shitstorm the befalls the news crew. I was very surprised by this segment and I found myself slack jawed and in disbelief by the end.  Extremely well done and extremely creepy.  This is really best experienced for yourself.

I would shit myself.  Just saying.......

Slumber Party Alien Abduction
Written by Jason Eisner
Directed by John Davies & Jason Eisner

I'm pretty sure at this point you know how I feel about aliens, but for those who may be new here, let me quickly reiterate:  They scare the crap out of me.  Zombies and monsters and such?  No problemo.  Aliens?  I'll wet the bed and pass out.  God damned anal probing bastards.....anyway....the final segment has to do with....GUESS WHAT?!?  ALIENS!!!!!!!!!   The segment follows a teen who's parents go away for the weekend.  He and his friends continually play pranks on his sister and her friends, including hitting them with squirt guns and water balloons at the lake and interrupting Sister's sexy time with her boyfriend.  Typical night for suburban teens, right?  Well, that all ends abruptly when blinding white light blasts through the windows with a sound like a cross between a freight train and a really loud tuba blares.  Then the aliens attack, scooping up the kids and bringing them back to their ship.

Brother, Sister, friend and the dog (who has a camera attached to him, part of an earlier prank and the reason we're able to see everything going on now) are able to get free and the aliens hunt after them, leading from the dock, to the woods to a barn.  Now, being that I have the alien freak-out disposition, I have to say that this was the more frightening of the segments.  Call me a wuss, it's okay, I can take it.

The Ultimate Home Entertainment System!    

After the alien segment, the film finsihes up it's Tape 49 wraparound segment in a nice gruesome way.  Afterwards I had to go outside and get some fresh air and clear my head (god damned aliens man!) and I had time to reflect on what I had witnessed.  VHS 2 is an improvement on an already solid first feature and I wouldn't mind seeing a third film added to the series.  I think that there is a lot of territory to be explored by the POV style that VHS brings.

Midnight Cinephile Tally

Body Count:  Ya know what?  I lost count, so we'll just say:  A LOT!

Boob Count:  2 Pair!  I was trying to come up with a poker joke.....but I've got nothing.  Poker?  I barely know her!   .............hey it's better than nothing.....YOU trying doing this!

Beast Count:  Oh yeah....we've got all kinda monsters and stuff here.  Zombies, ghosts, whatcha-ma-whoozits, aliens......

Final Thoughts
Proof positive that not only are anthologies still a viable medium in the genre, but cinéma vérité is as well and there is still much to explore in that medium.  Sure there are things that don't quite click here, but this is the horror genre and you've got to allow yourself a little suspension of disbelief.  If you sit back and go for the ride, I'm sure you won't be disappointed!

Final Rating
Four out of Five Pizza Rolls!

Eyes Behind the Stars - Italian MiB Aren't Very Nice!

Eyes Behind The Stars
1978
Directed by Mario Gariazzo
Written by Mario Gariazzo
Starring Robert Hoffmann, Nathalie Delon & Martin Balsam




Tag Lines:

There is no escape from this world no one can be trusted.


Inter galactic Sci-Fi terror






Alternate Titles:
Occhi dalle stelle (Eyes Behind The Stars) - Original Italian Title
Der Angriff kommt aus dem All... (The Attack Comes From Outer Space) - West Germany
Gangsters ap' to diastima (Gangsters From Space) - Greece 
La quatrième rencontre (The Fourth Meeting) - France
Los ojos de las estrellas (The Eyes of the Stars) - Spain
Silmät tähtien takaa (Eyes of the Stars) - Finland
Terror - West Germany
Ögon bortom stjärnorna (Eye Beyond the Stars) - Sweden
Øjne bag stjernerne (Eyes Behind the Stars) - Denmark
Yildizlarin Gerisindeki Gozler (Behind the Eyes of Stars) Turkish

Eyes Behind the Stars is one of those films that you are either really going to dig, or you're really going to fall asleep and never actually see.  I fell into the former category.  While the film is extremely slow moving, it also has a strange hypnotic quality to it.  I was rather tired when I watched this and I thought I might end up falling asleep.  I was quite surprised to not only find that I stayed awake for the whole thing, but that I really quite enjoyed it as well!

Well, Hello Karin!  

Peter is wondering if that coat makes him look fat......

The film opens on a photographer and a model taking some fashion photos in the woods on an autumn afternoon.  After finishing up one roll, Peter (the photographer) tells  Karin (the model) to change into her next set of clothes while he goes to find another location.  He finds a small clearing that he thinks will be perfect. When they both reach the clearing, they get an uneasy feeling as though they are being watched.  There are no birds or insect sounds either.  Their watches stop.  Naturally, they talk themselves out of being scared off and continue on with their shoot.  When Peter is developing the film later on that night, he finds that he has captured something in the photos of his model:  alien creatures and their UFO!

Peter returns to the woods to take more pictures and see if he can find the creatures and vanishes.  Karin calls a mutual friend, Tony, who's a newspaper reporter.  She shows him the photographs that Peter took and he keeps some negatives to make copies.  Shortly after Tony leaves, Karin is abducted by aliens as well.

Let's talk about said aliens for a moment, shall we?  We start with what I think is a fairly creepy set up.  Then we get to see what they look like:

Apparently clothe and leather are the preferred materials for space suits!

They're a bit goofy, and not really what I was thinking I was going to see.  Still, it could have been much worse.  The fact that they're in spacesuits and completely covered means that you can imagine something truly hideous beneath those face shields, and that helps to keep the creep factor up.

Anyway, the story kinda shifts gears at this point as we follow Tony.  He's trying to get the the bottom of his friends's disappearances and things start to take an X-files like twist.  The Men in Black (here called Silencers) keep harassing Tony, roughing him up and telling him to forget everything he's seen.  Things get even worse when the MiB learn of the negatives that he possesses.  They always seem to be one step ahead of him and it becomes clear that someone around Tony is not what they appear to be.  He enlists the help of UFOlogist  and together they start to put the pieces together.  Sort of.  Kinda.  Not really.  I'm not sure.

MiB doin' what they do best.  Hey, where's Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones?

The last act of the movie is pretty nonsensical and you've just gotta hang on for the ride.  Karin reappears, the MiB are after her.  There's a psychic and gun fights and some sort of doctor who works outside the system, or something.  Beats the crap out of me.  The ending is a bit of a surprise as well, which you're just going to have to watch for yourself!

Midnight Cinephile Tally:

Body Count:  11 dead altogether.....and one dog is blinded by aliens.

Boob Count:  Sorry, Chet.  No boobs here.

Beast Count:  We get three space suited aliens!

Final Thoughts
This was an interesting one....it reminded me of a flick that I saw long ago called UFO:  Target Earth.  I'll have to hunt that down again.  Anyway....like I said before, this is a pretty slow moving film, but if you are in the right state of mind and you're willing to go along for the ride, it's actually a creepy little UFO/MiB movie that I think is severely underrated.  It is currently only available as part of movie packs that are put out by Brentwood and Mill Creek (I have this movie on two different compilations).  I would love to see this get cleaned up and get a proper release.

The music was suitably strange....electronic and generically poppy.  I loved it.

Final Rating
Three out of Five Pizza Rolls!

Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog - A Super Villain Musical Tragomedy

Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog
2008
Directed by Joss Whedon
Written by Joss, Jed & Zack Whedon, Maurissa Tancharoen  

Starring Felicia Day, Neil Patrick Harris & Nathan Fillion


Tag Lines:
He has a Ph.D. in horribleness!
Freeze ray. Tell your friends.

The world is a mess and I just need to RULE it.


Alternate Titles:
Not this time, buck-o





Ah, Joss Whedon....the man behind Buffy, Cabin in the Woods and of course The Avengers.  Is there anything that this guy can't do?  Well, so far....apparently not.  Dr. Horrible was written during the Writers Guild strike in '07-'08.  Whedon and crew (including two brothers!) produced Dr. Horrible in such a way that they were able to get around the root issues that were causing the strike, proving that you can make quality and professionally done entertainment inexpensively.

It was released on the internet in three acts, each spaced two days apart.  It became extremely popular, even being placed at #15 in Time Magazine's Top 50 Inventions of 2008.  Not too shabby, eh?  It also won a metric shit ton of other awards over the next year or so.  So many, in fact, that I'm not going to name them all here, because let's be honest....you'd skip over them and I don't have the patience to actually research that far into it at two o'clock in the morning.

Muaaah-hhhhuuuuuuaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

So what's it all about? Dr. Horrible (NPH!) is a wanna be villain who wants to get accepted into the prestigious Evil League of Evil.  He receives a letter informing him that he is being watched and considered for admission.  Dr Horrible keeps a video blog (I'd call it a vlog....but the title of this isn't Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Vlog, now is it?) about his exploits and schemes.  His rival, Captain Hammer constantly foils his plans and to make matters worse, Hammer has his heroic eye on the evil doctor's crush, Penny (Day).

Captain Hammer is a hero in the strict sense....."doing good" and such.  However part of the genius at work here is showing how things are not always as they seem.  While Dr. Horrible is a quietly ambitious everyman who aspires for something more (Even if it is being a villain...), Captain Hammer is the epitome of ever pompous, self righteous bastard that you've ever known.  To watch the unfortunate doctor try and fail in his schemes, you can't help but feel sorry for him and want him to succeed.  Seeing the events through his eyes, you can see Hammer for what he is and you can completely relate.  I don't think there is anyone out there who hasn't felt the sting of being "bettered" by someone undeserving of the adoration they receive.  As they are placed up high on their pedestal, you sit quietly by, unsure of how no one else can see through the bullshit and see them for what they really are.

It's Hammer Time!

When Hammer confronts Horrible and in no uncertain terms informs him that he will sleep with Penny, just because he can and he knows that it will hurt and humiliate him, something snaps inside Dr. Horrible, and he decides to end Hammer's hero days.  The song Brand New Day is a rousing anthem for the underdog, as Horrible strengthens his resolve to destroy Hammer and get the girl.

Penny for your thoughts?

In the first two acts, you steadily feel worse for poor Dr. Horrible, and you'll share his disgust and anger with the dim-witted, mean spirited Captain.  The third acts will take those two factors and intertwine them into and absolutely heartbreaking conclusion that I will not spoil here.  But I will say that this film  (well, I suppose serial is the proper word for this) truly affected me more than I thought it would and I have watched it about 50 times since I first discovered it.

Midnite Cinephile Tally

Body Count One.  The loneliest number.

Boob Count: Not this time, but I'm sure there are a LEGION of nerds out there who wouldn't mind seeing Felicia Day's buppies.

Beast Count:  No creatures or beasties to speak of....unless you wanna count Evil League of Evil head honcho Bad Horse....who is quite literally....a horse!


Final Thoughts
Who would have thought that a Super Hero/Villain Tragomedy Musical could have such an emotional punch?  I recommend this film to anyone and everyone.  I have to give a shout out here to my good friend Allie, who turned me on to this.

Also, keep an eye out for Simon Helbig (Howard on Big Bang Theory!) as Dr. Horrible's friend, Moist (He sweats perpetually!)

Final Rating
FIVE OUT OF FIVE PIZZA ROLLS!!!!!

Heh heh....I love these guys.

Childhood Trauma Flashbacks Part IV: Scary Stories To Tell in the Dark

Back in elementary school, I used to look forward to the Scholastic Arrow Book Club flyers that came out every month.  It would be chock fun of awesome books and other education-ish things (all meant to get kids to read and such).  The book club still exists today, but to me there was something special about that late 80's book club flyer that offered up a multitude of genres...everything from The Babysitter's Club (which of course all the girls read) to Garfield and Far Side Compilations (my best friend always got the Garfield books...those were so great!).

Of course in October they would have an extra section full of spooky seasonal books.  This is where I first came across Alvin Schwartz's Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark.  The stories in these books were actually collected from folk tales and urban legends from around the world.  In the back back of the book the author would explain where each story originated from, which I always found fascinating.

For a while there were many parents who tried to get the books banned due to the
highly disturbing nature of the illustrations and even the stories themselves, but by and large these books are very fondly remembered by a good many kids in my generation.  

I used to read the stories in these books to my family (whether they wanted me to
or not!) because I thought that they were so incredibly creepy and I was constantly trying to create that "campfire tale" kind of feeling....whether it was after dinner, or sitting around in the living room on a Saturday night.  I just wanted everyone to huddle together and listen to these lurid tales of horror that I was completely obsessed with.  

Most stories were downright creepy, and some had a funny twist to the them (like The Viper)  but there were some that I just couldn't get out of my head:

Harold:

A story about two farmers who take their cows up into the hills to graze for two months, because it is much too hot in the valley.  They quickly become bored with the monotony of their everyday routine.  So one of them comes up with the idea to make a man sized doll and make it look like a local farmer they hate, named Harold.  They tied him up in the garden during the day to scare away birds and at night they would take him in.  Sometimes they would jokingly play around with him and when they were in a bad mood they'd punch and kick him.  One night Harold grunts.  It freaks them both out but they rationalize that it must be a mouse or insect that got inside him, making the noise.  After a few days all goes back to normal and they play and mistreat him depending on how they feel.  Finally one day, Harold stands up and walks out of the hut, climbing on top and then pacing back and forth, then goes and stands by himself in the far corner of the field. The men gather their cows the next day and take off, Harold nowhere in sight.  Feeling relieved that they were away from Harold they started down the path back to the valley, soon realizing that in their haste, they forgot the milking stools.  Neither wants to go back, but the stools are expensive, so they draw strays and one heads back, saying that he'll catch up later.  As the lone farmer leads his cows back to the valley he turns and looks back at the hut as he reached the top of a hill.  Harold is there on the roof of the hut, stretching a bloody swath of skin out to dry in the sun.

That story scared the ever lovin' crap out of me.  I read it alone in my room one night.  It must have been toward the end of school, because it was quite warm and I had the window open and my fan blowing full blast.  I can remember feeling a chill run down my spine, despite the heat.

The Thing:
Late one night two friends are talking near a turnip patch.  Suddenly something that looks like a man stands up and walks out of the patch and into the road.  The more adventurous of the friends walks up to the the thing and gets a good look at it.  It looks like a skeleton with sunken eyes.  He screams and they both run.  A year later, that friend got deathly ill.  On his final night as his friend sat with him, his friend was horrified to find that his friend now looked exactly like.....The Thing.

Sure this one is standard campfire tale material...but there was just something about the way it was written....the imagery that it placed in my mind.  This one stayed with me for quite a while and anytime there was a shape moving int he dark of night, I was sure it was The Thing.

Maybe You Will Remember
A mother and daughter are traveling and the mother starts to feel ill, so they stop at a hotel.  Once they are settled, the daughter calls for a doctor.  When he arrives and examines the mother, he sends her on a wild goose chase.  When she returns to the hotel, everything is different and no one remembers who she or her mother is.  The story ends with no resolution, per se.  However we are instructed to flip to the back of the book to find out exactly whats going on.  This is what really creeped me out:  The doctor knew as soon as he saw the mother that she was about to die of a horrible disease.  He sends the daughter out on the wild goose chase so that he and the hotel management can dispose of the mother's body (who died immediately after the daughter left) and completely reorganize the hotel and make the staff act as though they don't remember anything about the girl or her mother.  All to keep the death quiet and avoid public panic.  

Man, after reading this one and finding out what had really happened, I was afraid to go on vacations with my family.  Sure everything is all great one minute....the next Mom's got a caugh, I get sent out of medicine, I come back and BLAMMO!  Instant Nowhere Man.  That was some seriously fucked up shit, my friends.

You can still find all three of these books (used) on ebay or amazon....but whatever you do, DO NOT purchase the revamped versions that came out recently.  They replaced the incredible illustrations by Stephen Gammell.   Sure the stories are still spooky, but only when paired with the freaky as drawings by Gammell do they become legendary.  

Saw Misgivings - David Lilley's Splatter Comedy

I recently had the good fortune to witness one of the most creative and entertaining short films in a very long time.  Saw Misgivings basically takes a sitcom (minus a laugh track) and places it in an alternate Saw reality, where apparently horrifying death traps are no concern and a part of daily life.

Paul comes home from work to find his wife, Janey preparing steak for their dinner with Paul's sister and brother-in-law.  Problem is Janey managed to get a Saw style death trap stuck on here head and to make matters worse, the baby swallowed the key.  What follows is Janey's account of the rest of her terrible day:  She's unable to return a pair of shoes, she gets kicked out of a shop and she can't even enjoy a drink!

Things get worse when Paul informs her that he may have told his sister to be at the house for six instead of seven o'clock.  Will Janey get dinner ready before they arrive?  Will she get out of the death trap?  I think you and I both know the answers to these questions, but I'm not going to tell you.  You'll just have to watch for yourself!

I was able to chat with David about Saw Misgivings and it went a little something like this:


Tell us about the genesis of Saw Misgivings

Saw Misgivings' came about Following Following a call for scripts I put out. Mark O'Connell (the writer) sent 'Saw Misgivings' over to me and I instantly fell in love with it. Firstly, to what it extremely well written and funny script. Plus, I'm a big fan of the 'Saw' films (Mainly the early ones) and I liked the juxtaposition of the horror and the domestic. For me, it was a no brainer, did I simply had to make this movie.


 - What equipment did you use to shoot it?

We shot is using a Canon 550d and it was edited using Adobe Premiere Pro.

 - How long did it take to shoot the film?

It was a two day shoot. We did not shoot Especially long days, so in total it probably only Took about 16 hours to get it in the can. It was one of the most relaxed shoots I've been on, Which is unusual.

 - Any fun stories from the set?

The best thing what happened When did Sylvia (Paul's sister) blocked in one of the neighbors with her car. Sylvia THEREFORE needed to move her car to let the lady out. The only thing was, what Sylvia in the middle of full on horror make-up and had to go outside in the middle of the day and move her car with her full 'face ripped off' make-up on. Oddly enough, the lady did not bat and eyelid, so I guess that kind of stuff must happen all the time in the sticks of Nottingham.

 - That hardware did Janey's wearing is pretty wicked. Tell us about the design process of the headpiece

The hardware for what Janey designed by the wonderful Jayne Hyman who did so all the blood, gore and Paul's Sisters head trap. She Janey's trap Entirely built from scratch and painted it to look like metal. We spent a long time discussing what kind of head trap Janey Should wear. The starting point what the 'reverse bear trap' from the original 'Saw'. HOWEVER, we needed something did connected to her head but did not restrict her mouth shut Because Vicky needed to deliver her lines. Very early on it was DECIDED We Should 'go for the eyes' and then had fun brainstorming horrendous torture devices until we settled on a design which did Suitably over the top and violent, we felt Which We Could deliver on a budget.

 - Comedy and horror are a difficult mix to do right, but you managed to hit just the perfect parodic notes.
What were your inspirations for Saw Misgivings?

The script itself was very funny Already When It came to me, so for me I did not really need to seek any comic inspirations. That was kind of lucky because i what viable to shoot the film 'straight' Principally drawing inspiration from horror films: such as 'Saw' (obviously) and the Final Destination films. So we did not really shoot the film as a comedy, we wanted everyone to take everything very seriously and not play it for laughs. I knew if we did that then the humor would naturally come out of the absurdness of the situation and the fact did no-one is Acknowledging it.

 - I could very Easily see Paul and Janey as reoccurring characters. Any plan to use them again?

At the moment there are no plans to use them again. But I am still in contact with Steve McNeil (Paul), Vicky Album (Janey) and writer Mark O'Connell, so it's not out of the question.

 - What's next for you?

Next up for me is I've just shot a film called 'Rellik'. It's a 4-minute horror thriller Which messes with time, showing the events leading up to a grisly murder backwards. In short, we start at the end and end at the beginning. It's got elements of 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre' mixed with the storytelling style of 'Memento'.


 - What's your favorite movie?

Jaws, it's a movie I keep going back to and watching again and again. It never fails to deliver.

 - What's your favorite movie snack?

Pick and mix, Especially the super sour ones did make your tabs laugh.

 - Do you believe in the paranormal?

Yes, but the closest I came to a paranormal experience was visiting the Ghostbusters building in New York.

 - What is your guilty pleasure movie?

Titanic or possibly Showgirls.

 - If you had unlimited funds, talent, IP's, etc. ... what would your dream project be?

A traditional British superhero feature film with lots of blood, guts and cups of tea. (The script is in development).

If you'd like to check out Saw Misgivings (and I highly recommend you do!) and more of David's films, head on over to his website:  Loonatik and Drinks.

Curse of the Cannibal Confederates - And You Thought Redneck Zombies Was Bad!!!!!

Curse of the Cannibal Confederates
1982
Directed by Tony Malanowski
Written by Tony Malanowski & Lon Huber
Starring Steve Sandkuhler, Christopher Gummer & Rebecca Bach


Tag Lines:

The South Shall Rise Again ..... and Again.....and Again

It took over 100 years...But Johnny got even!

Alternate Titles:
Curse of the Screaming Dead (VHS Title)
Curse of the Confederate Cannibals



Releases:
Theatrical:  Nope
VHS:  Mogul (as Curse of the Screaming Dead); Video Explosion (Australia); TCC (Japan); Troma
DVD:  Troma
Streaming:  Negative, good buddy.  If you wanna watch this one, you'll have to actually acquire physical media!

"It is well that war is so terrible, else we should grow too fond of it."
 - General Lee

If the tombstone's a rockin' don't come a knockin'!

Believe it or not I've watched this one a few times.  Most recently when a friend of mine stated that he wanted to watch a "bad" movie.  Feeling particularly cheeky, I pulled this little gem out and BOOM, just like that, another poor soul was exposed to The Curse of the Cannibal Confederates.  This movie gets a bad rap and I'll admit that it's a pretty wonky little flick, but there is still something about it that I can't help but love.  Perhaps it's the acting, maybe it's the pasty faced confederate zombies......maybe it's the cheap ass tombstones that wiggle around in the graveyard.

Our intrepid group of heroes.  Bikini's huh?  Good idea for a camping/hunting trip.

Mel doing what he does best:  Taking things that don't belong to him!

The "story" as it were follows a group of deer hunters and their girlfriends who go on a weekend camping trip.  I am not going to even pretend to know everyone's name....but they look like rejects from a Boston/BeeGee's tribute band.  Along for the trip are their girlfriends, including a blind girl, who I didn't even realize was blind the first time I watched it.  I totally missed that right int he opening credits, she's listed as "Blind Kiyomi"!

Doesn't camping look fun?  

Blind Kiyomi hears bells out in the woods and Mel (the klepto) goes to investigate.  He comes across a graveyard and an old church.  Inside the church he finds a box that contains a confederate flag and a leather diary.  Naturally, he takes the diary.  This apparently pisses off the long dead soldiers and they rise from the grave, pursuing the group and trying to munch on their guts.  It does not end well for the group.

Nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom.........

The action (what little there is of it) is heavily padded out with long scenes of wandering around and bizarre and poorly acted dialog.  Half of the cast looks like they're reading off of cue cards.  All of them act as if they're in a high school play.  These aren't complaints though.....these are the very things that make it a surreal little time waster.

Yep...cause that's what zombies do.......choke people out......um.....huh?

Lloyd Kaufman stated that this is one of the top five worst films in the Troma library.  I can only imagine that Actium Maximus must rank number one on that list.  Shot entirely in Maryland, Cannibal Confederates is said to be a remake of Night of Horror, which was also directed and written by Malanowski and Co.

Tonny Starke????  Whew, for a second I thought Iron Man was buried here.  

Midnite Cinephile Tally:

Body Count:  5.  Most of the campers and one cop get munched on.

Boob Count:  Nope.  We do get the girls in some bikinis though.  Which is weird in the woods.

Beast Count:  There's a bunch of undead rebels rising from the grave.  Some have the white face paint...others are of the rubber masked variety.  It's fun when they explode though.

Final Thoughts:
I don't know why this gets as bad a rap as it does.  There are far worse films out there.  Don't get me wrong, this isn't a good movie by any stretch of the imagination, but I'd sooner watch this than I would subject myself to any of the Twilight movies!  If you like goofy zombie flicks and want to watch a regional flick that is chock full of hilarious dialog and bad acting, you can't go wrong here.  With some booze, snacks and like-minded friends, this is a home version of Mystery Science Theater 3000 just waiting to happen!  DIG IN!

Final Rating:
TWO OUT OF FIVE PIZZA ROLLS

Attack of the Killer Refrigerator - The Icebox Cometh

Attack of the Killer Refrigerator
1990
Directed by Michael Savino
Written by Michael Savino, Mark Veau
Starring Lori Regonini, Christina Murphy, Michael Savino




Tag Line:
Oh No!!  I Just HATE Cold Cuts!!




Alternative Title:
Attack of the Killer Refridgerator

Yep....This is gonna be GOOD!

This little gem was a staple at Mom & Pop video stores across this great land of ours, and of course, my beloved Video Paradise was no different.  The cover art is pure cheese and it really ignited my young and impressionable imagination.  I wanted desperately to see what a killer refrigerator movie was like.  Sadly, the film vanished from the shelves before I was old enough to rent it myself.  That title stuck in my head for a long time though and it was only recently has it come back to haunt me.  I sat down tonight to watch this little SOV cheddar-fest and at long last, after nearly 25 years, I was able to see a refrigerator go on a killing spree.  My life is now complete.

Partaaaaaaay!

So what's up with this film....what's it like?  It's like....really....really.....REALLY cheap.  And I love it.  The film opens with a college party.....a guy is telling his girlfriend about how ever since they de-iced the freezer in the refrigerator, they've been getting a weird vibe from it.  There are strange noises that the neighbors are complaining about as well.  DUN DUN DUUUUUNNNNNNN!!!!!

Om nom nom nom nom nom

The party clears out leaving our two heroes (?!) to retire to their respective bedrooms with their girlfriends.  This is when our evil fridge strikes.  One by one, the kids are killed by the vengeful appliance.  Limbs are ripped off, there's an impalement by door handle, and apparently the refrigerator has some psychic abilities as well, because it's able to psychically push one guys against the wall with a decent amount of force!  The ending of the film is at once completely ridiculous and absolutely, brilliantly hilarious.

He can totally.......HANDLE this!

While researching this film a bit, I found out that it was actually made in my hometown of Worcester, MA by some students at Worcester State University.  It was shot in 1984, and then managed to get a VHS release (along with another of the Student's films, The Hook of Woodland Heights) in 1990.  I'm currently trying to track down Mr Savino for an interview.

MIDNIGHT CINEPHILE TALLY

Body Count:  We get a total of four here, which considering the films 15 minute runtime ain't half bad!  There is some gore as well, such as the aforementioned limb ripping and impalement.  The blood is pretty cheap looking, but that really adds to the SOV charm of it all.

Nude-O-Meter:  Well, there's no boobs, but we do see Michael Savino's naked rear end.

Monster's Gallery:  There's a Killer Refrigerator! Or Refridgerator, if ya wanna spell it like they do on the title card.  This is one mean piece of kitchen appliance.  It's got psychic powers, it's got a powerful jaw like door that can't rip limbs off.  It can use it's door handle like a horn and impale it's victims with it.  There is some odd colored smoke and light that emanates from it's insides as well.  Maybe it's some kinda college kid attracting pheromone ...who knows!  Point is.....it's a dang killer!


FINAL THOUGHT

I had an absolute blast with this.  First of all, it's a scant 15 minutes, so there isn't much time to get to know the characters.  They are simply canon (fridge) fodder.  It doesn't take long for the killings to start, which means that there isn't much time to get bored.  The killings are creative enough and like I said above, the gore is cheap as all get out, which really lends to some of the charm of the film.  What really intrigues me is the fact that this is homegrown horror that got itself a VHS release.  I will continue to dig up info on this and (hopefully) get in contact with Mr. Savino for an interview.

FINAL RATING
Three out of Five Pizza Rolls

Must Be The Season of the Witch

As I'm sure you know, cinema is cyclical in nature.  Once something catches on, a whole cycle of films has to run it's course before the next big thing hits.  This is especially true in the horror genre.  You've got your 80's slasher boom, for a time in the early 2000's vampires were all the rage....and of course there is the endless onslaught of zombie films that are still clogging up Netflix.  So what's the next big cinematic baddie?  I think it's going to be Witches!  Not cute little British moppets.....I'm talking Witches.  Nasty, mean, horrible witches.

Of course, I also thought the same thing when The Blair Witch project came out.....turns out that was the start of the found footage craze instead.  But I digress.....witches seem to be on the upswing.  First we had Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters.....which took an action Snow White and the Huntsmen type approach to the Hansel & Gretel story.  Sam Raimi's Oz The Great and Powerful gave us not only the origin of the great and powerful wizard, but also the tragic beginnings of the Wicked Witch of the West.  Opening this Friday is Rob Zombie's Lords of Salem, which is set to open this Friday (April 19th) and looks like it's going to be a wild, witchy ride.

In February, there was also the teeny bopper flick Beautiful Creatures....which (WITCH!  I did it again!) is essentially a Twilight wannabe for the tween audiences.  But still, that translates into buckazoids in Hollywood, which translates into more Witch flicks for us!  So, I suppose it's a necessary  evil.

There is also a whole slew of broom flyin' flicks comin' our way in the upcoming months and year:  Abigail's Giant, Bell Book & Candle, Bell Witch, Man-Witch (Sloppy Joe, the Man-Witch?  HEY-OH!), A film adaptation of Wicked  and a remake of The Witches are all coming down the pike soon with no release dates announced.

Lords of Magic and The Seventh Son both come out later this year, both dealing with the dark arts....and at some point in 2014 we get The Last Witchhunter.

Whew!  That is a shit ton of warts and cauldrons comin' at us!

Also, the upcoming third season of American Horror Story apparently carries the subtitle of Coven, which (Witch?!) is leading me to believe it will be a witchcraft based story.  I've gotta tell ya, I'm pretty excited by the idea of Witches making a comeback in cinema.  I loved all the witchcraft movies of the 60's and early 70's and there's nothing like a well told witch story.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go watch Black Sunday.

I've Finally Decided My Future Lies Beyond The YELLOWBRICKROAD

America is full of creepy legends.  Tales of curses and mysterious vanishings.  Perhaps one of the most unsettling is the story of the Lost Colony of Roanoke.  You know the tale.....an entire settlement vanishes without a trace and the only clue is the word "Croatoan" carved into a post.  I can vividly remember the icy chills running down my back when I first learned of this in school.  I remember walking home from school with my best friend and discussing what we thought may have happened to the Colonists.  Our minds concocted all sorts of horrifying scenarios.  It was a Friday afternoon and it was overcast and drizzling on our walk home.  I remember this strange feeling in the pit of my stomach that stayed with me long after the school bell rang.  It was an unsettling mystery that I just couldn't get out of my head, and I became addicted to the unexplained.

So what does that have to do with this film?  In a sense, everything.  The film starts in documentary fashion as a narrator informs us, over a series of black and white stills, that one morning in 1940, the entire population of Friar, New Hampshire abandoned their town, their homes and their belongings (even their dogs....just tied them up and left them!) and started up a mountain trail.  They just left without any explanation and they did not return.  Search parties found some of the townsfolk dead from exposure.  Some where horrifically murdered and mutilated.  Some were not found at all.  There was one survivor, but he was completely mad and of no use for an explaination.  The mystery of Friar, NH was quietly swept under the rug, so to speak, and life returned to normal.

Flash forward to present day when our protagonist Teddy is searching for answers to the missing Friar residents.  Unclassified documents are released to him by the town and he puts together an expedition in the uncharted wilds of New Hampshire to discover what happened to the townsfolk seventy years before.  They've got the latest and greatest in equipment and they are ready for anything....or so they think.

Once our intrepid explorers get to town, they are confused and angered to discover that the coordinates to the trail that they are given lead them to the town cinema, where they don't get a very warm reception.  Apparently no one in town is very happy that these folks are dredging up the past.  It seems that the trip is over before beginning until Teddy talks to with the popcorn girl.  Apparently her Grandfather used to spent some time in Friar before the incident and he told her stories and he also told her where the trail was.  She will lead the group to the trail if they let her tag along.

Once on the trail, things start to go south pretty quickly as their equipment starts to fail.  In this day and age of constant reliance on our handy technology, this is not a good thing.  Soon, the group starts to hear strange sounds emanating from the forest.  When the sounds first started, I (and the characters) could not quite figure out what I was hearing, but it very quickly becomes focused and it is clear that we are listening to 1940's style pop music.  Which, is quite odd considering that they are about 5 days out from civilization.  The music becomes it's own character and this is the real catalyst for each character's mental unraveling.  

I don't want to ruin this film for you, because it truly is best experienced without knowing too much, but I will tell you this:  You need to go into this movie with an open mind.  It is a slow burn and it does a fantastic job of slowly ratcheting up the creep factor.  By midway through the film, I was incredibly unsettled and it just got more intense from there.  The music is used to fantastic effect and in one scene is almost unbearable.  

This is not a cinema-verite style film, but instead the camera makes you feel like you are one of the expedition and at times wonder if you yourself aren't going mad.

I finished watching this movie about eight hours ago, and I've still got an unsettled feeling lingering from it.  After we finished watching (on Netflix) we decided to toss a comedy in to cleanse our cinematic palette, which I am quite glad we did.  The film is quite haunting and you will mull it around in your head for hours after you've seen it.

Highly recommended.
One last note:  The film brilliantly pays homage to The Wizard of Oz in many ways.  A lot of fun can be had trying to catch all the references.

Unexpected Horrors - Part II

It's time for Round 2 of Unexpected Horrors!  Yes, those little bits of cinematic terror that spring out at you when you're lease expecting them.  Let's jump right in, shall we?

Superman III - RoboVera

Holy hell...this scared the ever lovin' crap out of me when I was a kid.  There i was, cheering on The Man of Steel....he just finished fighting his own evil self (which was kinda creepy in it's own right....and probably the closest we'll ever get to a cinematic Bizarro!) and he was back in bright colors fighting for truth, justice and the American Way.  He tracked Ross Webster and gang to their Supercomputer hideout and things start to go sour.  The computer (designed by super-genius Gus Gorman!) basically goes all Skynet and takes on a life of it's own.  Unfortunately for Ross's sister, Vera, she's snagged by the computer's tracker beam and turned into a horrifying cyborg with some computer super powers.  I was horrified.  That damned robotic nightmare plagued my dreams for weeks.  

The Princess Bride - R.O.U.S

Rob Reiner's seminal fairy tale has it all:  Adventure, Revenge, Love......and the dreaded ROUS's.  What's an ROUS?  Rodent Of Unusual Size, if you must know.....denizens of the dreaded Fire Swamp!  After Wesley (whom we just found out was alive!) and Buttercup roll down a giant hillside, they escape Prince Humperdink's forces by running into said Fire Swamp.  Immediately after she asks him if they should be worried about the ROUS's, Wesley replies he does think they exist.  Que a big ol' nasty ROUS jumping and attacking Wesley.  These rats freakin' huge and nasty and if you get scared by a li'l ol' rat in a sewer, you are completely screwed if you come across one of these!

Oliver! -  Bill Sikes

If you've seen the wonderful 1968 film, then you know exactly what I'm talking about.  The inimitable Oliver Reed plays the incredibly creepy Bill Sikes.  This man makes your skin crawl from the get-go, but as the film wears on, you realize that this guy isn't just a hard ass criminal....he's a bad man....he's a very bad man (to quote Billy Mumy).  Towards the end of the film, Bill goes full on Jack the Ripper and we're fully well aware that we are in the presence of a man who will do horrible things to anyone who gets in his way.  

Evil Dead (2013) Oh Yes, There Is Blood.....So....Much.....Blood.

Remakes get a bum rap these days.  The second a remake is announced, internet trolls the world over flock to their computers and start their campaigns against said film.  It happens every time and this film was no different.

Personally, I don't mind remakes.....which puts me pretty much in a class by myself, from what I can tell.  I thought the '03 Texas Chainsaw Massacre was brilliant.  I really enjoyed the '09 Friday the 13th reboot.  The '10 re-imagining of A Nightmare on Elm Street, while not my favorite film, still had it's moments.  I will admit that I didn't like the '05 remake of The Fog.....the ending just killed it for me.  But there were still some fun moments in it.

Okay so, now you know....I like remakes.  This one is no different.  I had an absolute blast with this film.  It is everything that I expected it would be.....which is wall to wall gore in a dirty little cabin in the woods!  Holy hell....director Fede Alvarez certainly did not spare any of the red stuff!  Though I will say that I have seen bloodier....but more on that in a bit.

In this edition, we five five twenty-somethings gathered at the now infamous cabin to help their friend, Mia kick her drug habit cold turkey.  Her brother, David has even shown up to help.  He's a bit estranged from the group....something that isn't quite explored....but to be honest, if I wanted a character study, I'd watch something else.  We do find out that this isn't the first time that Mia has tried to quite her drug habit.  The last time, she caved after only a few hours.....so it is decided that no matter how she begs and pleads, they will not allow her to leave.

I don't want to give away too much here.  I think a big part of the fun of this film is seeing how they've come up with new ways for things to happen.  Suffice to say they find the book (and a Boomstick....er....shotgun) in the basement.  It's covered in a garbage bag and completely wrapped in barbed wire.  Written in the pages are warnings:  Don't Read The Words....... Don't Speak The Words...... Don't Hear The Words.  So what is the first thing ya wanna do?   READ THEM WORDS OUT LOUD!

Well, that's just what Eric (who is a science teacher?!) does.  Yup.  He's THAT guy.  Way to go dude.  Sadly Mia is the one who runs afoul of the demons first....which her friends mistake as withdrawal hallucinations and ploys to get away from the cabin.  By the time they realize that it's too late......well.....it's too damn late!

There are some really fun nods to the original films, such as Ash's car rusting out back.  Is it Ash's?  Nobody said it was......but nobody said it WASN'T either!  The cabin looks great and the surrounding woods are equally foreboding....giving the film a very dismal atmosphere.  Nothing nice happens to anyone in this film at any point in time for it's 91 minute running time.

Now what's this about all the blood you've been hearing about?  Well, my little gore-hounds....if it's blood you want, it's blood you shall get!  In spades!  All the weaponry you would expect is here...chainsaw, machete, electric carving knife, nail gun, crow bar, Boomstick......er.....shotgun!  The last 10 minutes of the film are a sight to behold.  Quite possibly one of the goriest climaxes that I've seen in a long time.  Is it the bloodiest film ever?  Probably not, but there is PLENTY of the crimson goods on display here.

I'll be looking forward to the Blu Ray release, which I'm hoping will feature an unrated cut, upping the gore quotient (cause I'm a sick dude like that).  Now if you'll excuse me, I have a weekend in the woods to plan.....

The Problem With Horror Elitists and the Self Appointed Critics or, Roger Ebert Would Be Ashamed of You.

“It's easy to attack and destroy an act of creation. It's a lot more difficult to perform one.”  
 ― Chuck Palahniuk

If you know me, then you know that I have long harbored a distaste for critics.  I have never been able to wrap my mind around the idea that someone can cut apart a work of art that he or she has not created to begin with.  Sure, it's fine to have an opinion about something and it's perfectly fine to not like it, however I don not think it is fine to rip apart someone else's work and make statements that you are not qualified to make.

Isn't Midnight Cinephile a review site, henceforth, aren't you a critic?  Well, yes, it is.....but do I view myself as a critic?  No, I do not.  I am a fan of cinema, and I enjoy talking about it.  However, I see absolutely no merit in blatantly insulting a movie that I do not like just to seem witty.  If I don't like a film, that's just fine.  It doesn't make it a bad film, necessarily.  It makes it a film that I don't care for.  People have different tastes, end of story.


Now I must come clean here about something:  Back in November of 2012, I published a scathing review of the film ATM.  I just re-read it and I must say that I am thoroughly ashamed of that review and I have subsequently removed.  Suffice to say that I did not like the film.....but that is no excuse for the review that I posted.  It was downright nasty and mean spirited and I would like to apologize to the filmmakers for the comments that I made, as they were uncalled for and completely unprofessional.  So to David Brooks (Director) and Chris Sparling (Writer) I am truly sorry.


I feel better getting that off my chest.



“[If] you are ready enough to pull my knitting to pieces, but provide none of your own, the only sock is a sock in the jaw!” 
― J.R. Ackerley



So what's going on here?  What's with this rant?  Well, I'll tell you what it's about:  The Evil Dead remake.  I have been been absolutely and completely disgusted with the venom that has spewed forth in the wake of the films premier.  Now this certainly isn't the first time that a film has received a severe backlash after it's release....but this one really bugs me, so here I am on my soap box, shaking my fist and defying self righteous cynical elitist horror snobs.  Yeah, that's right, I said elitists.  I am so tired of these keyboard cowboys sitting upon their high horses and spitting out the same sarcasm and trying to seem oh-so-witty while tearing apart the latest horror films.


Even worse than this are these so called critics who outright insult the people who enjoy said films in question, saying such things as their unhappiness with the "unprecedented willingness today of fans who celebrate utter shit and meaningless tripe" and asking questions such as "who over the age of 30 actually expects one of these remakes to be any good?"  I find that extremely insulting.  So because I'm over thirty and I enjoyed the film, I'm immature?  Well fuck you very much!

What disgusted me even more than this was when a positive review was posted by a well known horror magazine editor, he was blatantly attacked and called a sell-out.  This is purely disgusting and I cannot stand to be associated with such acts of contempt and ineptitude.

To be honest, if I get myself too wound up, this post will never end....and life is too short to keep all that negativity flowing.  However, I found that each time I tried to review Evil Dead, I started to veer off into rants and tantrums about these negative forces in the horror community and was unable to get to the meat and potatoes of the film.  So henceforth, you get this this rant.

And so I will leave you with this quote from J.R.R. Tolkien.  I think it sums everything up quite nicely.  Quite simply put:  No matter what form of art it is: film, music, literature, paint, sculpture, etc....someone put themselves into it.  It means something to them.  Maybe it doesn't speak to you personally, but that does not diminish the art in any way shape or form.  Hurling vile insults at it only shows your shortcomings and your own weaknesses.  Until you can produce a piece of similar art that can defy harsh criticism, shut the fuck up and get off your god-damned high horse, you self righteous bunch of whiny little bitches.

Okay.  That oughta do it.  Here's that quote I promised you:




“A man inherited a field in which was an accumulation of old stone, part of an older hall. Of the old stone some had already been used in building the house in which he actually lived, not far from the old house of his fathers. Of the rest he took some and built a tower. But his friends coming perceived at once (without troubling to climb the steps) that these stones had formerly belonged to a more ancient building. So they pushed the tower over, with no little labor, and in order to look for hidden carvings and inscriptions, or to discover whence the man's distant forefathers had obtained their building material. Some suspecting a deposit of coal under the soil began to dig for it, and forgot even the stones. They all said: 'This tower is most interesting.' But they also said (after pushing it over): 'What a muddle it is in!' And even the man's own descendants, who might have been expected to consider what he had been about, were heard to murmur: 'He is such an odd fellow! Imagine using these old stones just to build a nonsensical tower! Why did not he restore the old house? he had no sense of proportion.' But from the top of that tower the man had been able to look out upon the sea.” 
― J.R.R. Tolkien, Beowulf and the Critics