Robocop - Part Man, Part Machine, All Awesome

RoboCop
1987
Directed by Paul Verhoeven
Written by Michael Miner & Edward Neumeier
Starring - Petter Weller, Nancy Allen, Kurtwood Smith, Ronny Cox




Tag Line:
Part Man.  Part Machine.  All Cop.  The Future of Law Enforcement.







Alternate Titles:
Ilektronika Jasusa (I got nuthin on translation...probably Robot somethin....) - India
RoboCop - O Policial do Futuro (The Police of the Future) - Brazil
RoboCop Das Gesetz in der Zukunft (The Law in the Future) - Austria
Robocop - O polícia do futuro (The Police of the Future) - Portugal
Robocop, el defensor del futuro (Defender of the Future) - Mexico, Uraguay
Robokap - Serbia
Robotzsaru - Hungary
Superglina (Supercops) - Poland



When I was a kid, my sister and I would be home alone for a few hours after getting home from school.  My Dad would leave for work about 10 minutes after we got home and my mother wouldn't get home until 4:30 or 5:00.  In these magic hours of unadulterated unsupervised bliss, I would scavenge my parent's movie collection and watch all the films I wasn't supposed to.  It was actually my older sister that got my into the habit.  She was the one who put on A Nightmare on Elm St for the first time.  We had to watch it over a period of two days in order to avoid getting caught.  For about a week, I was terrified to go to sleep.  I obviously couldn't go run to Mom or Dad for comfort.....so I lay in bed and  prayed that Freddy wasn't going to climb up through the sheets and get me.

This scene nearly destroyed me in my youth....

 
At the same time as this twilight waking nightmare was occurring, there was something else going on inside me as well.  Though I was scared, I found that I couldn't stop thinking about and being fascinated by the film.  I needed to see more.  Thus, I started to hunt through my parents video collection, watching forbidden horrors, bloody action flicks and raunchy comedies.  Films like The Entity, The Terminator, Children of the Corn and Hard Bodies entered my world and life would never be the same.

So by the time that my best friend informed me that his parents had taped RoboCop of cable, I was beyond excited.  Cyborg cops in the future blowing away bad guys?  Hell yes!  And so on one fateful Saturday night, I went to spend the weekend at my friends house.  His parents were a little more lenient when it came to R rated movies.  The asked if my parents were okay with me watching the film and of course I lied and said "Of course!"  and just like that, we were plunged into the grimy world of future Detroit.

You think THIS looks bad? ED-209 is just getting warmed up!

"Call an ambulance!"  Bwaaaaa-haaaaa!  Still makes me laugh!

All was well until Murphy's death scene.  When Clarence Boddicker blew of Murphy's hand, I immediately felt sick to my stomach.  The next minute or so almost sent me over the edge.  This wasn't some monster killing people.....this wasn't a machine from the future.....these were real men with guns blowing a man apart piece by piece.  Of course I couldn't let David know how much I was bothered by what we had just seen.  For the duration of the movie, I had a massive pit in my stomach.  I was beyond glad when it was over and very eager to go play Nintendo and try and forget the whole thing.  I couldn't sleep that night.  I kept seeing Murphy's face in agony as he cradled the bloody stump that used to be his hand.  That sickening feeling stayed with me the whole weekend and partway into the following week.

By the time RoboCop 2 came out, I guess I forgot how much the first one affected me.  It came through Columbia House as the movie of the month and I popped it in the VCR.  Quite simply, I loved it.  As a matter of fact, RoboCop 2 is the movie I used to convince my parents to allow me to watch R rated movies.  So with the new found freedom to watch R rated flicks (so long as they were rated R for violence and blood and whatnot) I began my own film collection.  One of the first VHS tapes I got my mother to buy me was the original RoboCop.  I had also recently managed to get a VCR for my room.  I was determined to conquer the film.  I popped it in, got to Murphy's murder and promptly turned it off.  This happened about twenty more times that day.  I gave up and tried playing Nintendo for a while....but the movie kept nagging at me.  Finally I turned the movie back on and watched it all the way through.  After that, I loved it just as much as RoboCop 2.....even now making it into my top favorite film list.

So now that you have the lengthy back story on my history with the film, I'll get on with the review section.  If you're reading this then more than likely you are well aware of the plot, but for the benefit of those who may not have had the pleasure of viewing this sci-fi masterpiece, here's a synopsis for you:  Alex J. Murphy is a Detroit police officer who is gunned down by a vicious crime lord and his gang.  Murphy is in luck however because he is a prime candidate for mega corporation, OCP's RoboCop program.  After being pronounced dead, he is transformed into a cyborg and programmed as a new breed of law enforcement.

RoboCop is returned to his former precinct (which he had just transferred to the same day he was gunned down) and starts cleaning up the streets.  Meanwhile, OCP is having problems with another law enforcement robot, the menacing ED-209.  A disastrous board meeting leaves one young executive dead with approximated 9,487 holes in him.  Seriously.  More on this later.  Also we find out that Dick Jones, Vice President of OCP is a real bastard and in league with Clarence Boddicker.
Our boy RoboCop starts to have flashbacks to being murdered and regains his memory....setting off to bring his killers to justice.....and ultimately bring down Dick Jones and his robotic bodygaurd, ED-209.

Murphy takes a good hard look at himself.

This film is quite literally wall to wall ultra-violence, and it is glorious.  The scene in which a young executive gets turned into human swiss cheese by ED-209 is absolutely ridiculous.  The 209 just keeps firing away as the man's body is riddled with more holes than a donut factory.  Now...when I was in high school, a friend of mine got his hands on the X rated Laser Disc.  Up to that point, I had no idea that movies could be rated X for violence, but here it was.  This same scene became absolutely insane and hilarious as the gunfire never seemed to end.  How the guy didn't end up just a pile of mush is beyond me.  There should have been nothing left to him.  The best part is after he's blown to hell, some jackass yells "Call an ambulance!"  BWAAAA-HAAAA-HAAAA!  More like call a janitor.

Toxic Avenger my ass!

RoboCop has been compared to the story of Christ by others.  To be perfectly honest, I think this is stretching things a bit.  Don't get me wrong, there is a lot more to RoboCop than just pure carnage.  There is sharp satire and it is quite a powerful commentary on self identity.  Sure, they take the body of a slain police officer and sort of resurrect him in the body of a cyborg....but I wouldn't go as far as to say it was anything to do with Christ.  I don't remember the Son of God packing an Auto-9 in his leg.  Though that would have made the Sermon on the Mount a lot more interesting.

Midnight Cinephile Totals:

Body Count:  Uh yeah.  There's a body count.  34 to be exact.  That is a lot of dead people.  Mostly bad guys.  Surprisingly, this movie doesn't even have CLOSE to the highest body count of the 80's....that honor goes to John Woo's A Better Tomorrow II....which caps out at 199....HOLY SHIT!

Boob Count:  We get to see a topless (and quite pasty) female cop towards the beginning.  That's about it.

Beast Count:  Well, you've got ED-209, a giant bi-pedal death machine that cries like a baby when it falls down the stairs.  Also, you've got a baddie that drives into a tank of toxic waste and starts to melt.....which is awesome.  He looks pretty monstrous.

Final Thoughts:
RoboCop is must see.  When you cut through the violence, you will find an incredibly smart film filled with comedy and quite a bit of heart.  A movie unlike any that had come before it and many tried to duplicate (unsuccessfully) since.

Final Rating:
FIVE OUT OF FIVE PIZZA ROLLS!!!!!!!

Squirm - Death by Annelids

Squirm
1976
Directed by - Jeff Lieberman
Written by - Jerff Lieberman
Starring - Don Scardino, Patricia Pearcy, R.A. Dow & Peter Maclean


Tag Lines: 
An avalanche of killer worms.....writhing across the land in a tidal wave of terror!

This was the night of the CRAWLING TERROR!

The Night is Crawling with Killers!






Alternate Titles:
A Noite do Terror Rastejante  (The Creeping Terror Night)  Portugal
I carnivori venuti dalla savana (Carnivores Have Come From The Bush)  Italy
La nuit des vers géants (Night Giant Worms) France
Maskarna (Worms)  Sweden
Squirm - Krälande fasa (Crawling Terror)  Sweden (Video)
Matelijat (Reptiles(?))  Finland
Squirm - Gusanos asesinos (Worms Murderers)  Spain
Squirm - Invasion der Bestien (Invasion of Beasts)  West Germany
Τα σκουληκια (Worms)  Greece

When I was in about 1st grade or so, I remember standing at the bus stop one morning with my sister and a couple neighborhood kids.  I was watching at a couple of earthworms that seemed to be locked in mortal combat, twisting and turning and flipping about in the grass.  I was fascinated by earthworms at the time, I dunno why....but I was.  Anyway, as I watching the wormy cage match, one of the the girls standing with us came over to see what had my attention.  As soon as she looked, she shrieked "Eeeewwww, they're DOING IT!"  Then the whole bus ride to school she excitedly told everyone on the bus.  I was mad at her because I felt that she trespassed into my little worm fight and turned if from a fight to the death to.....um.....doing it.  Turns out worm reproduction is far more horrifying than what we witnessed.  Earthworms are spontaneous hermaphrodites and they couple up and form slime tubes and splook all over each other.  I just threw up a little in my mouth.

Okay, so anyway, years later, I caught this insane little flick and and somehow that memory and this movie have become forever fused together.  Lucky me.....and lucky you for having that shared with you.  The first time I saw Squirm, it was a Saturday morning and it was on Mystery Science Theater 3000.  It wasn't until maybe ten years ago that I finally saw the film in it's complete and un-MST3K'd format.  The film still retains that fun Saturday morning vibe for me though.....I guess mainly due to nostalgia.

The film starts with one of those fun text crawls that set the mood for the film and give it that "This was based on a true story" vibe.  Then we're treated to scenes of a severe thunderstorm that down power lines which cause thousands upon thousands of worms to wriggle up through the earth and go on a rampage.  No, I'm not kidding.  The flick just gets more and more bizarre...an antique dealer is found partially skeletonized....I just made up that word.  And I like it.  Skeletonized.

We get the usual worms crawling through plumbing and coming out of the shower head bit and a pretty nifty scene of bloodworms burrowing under the skin of a guys face.  That's pretty groovy.  Though it becomes unclear if said redneck is then controlled somehow by these worms or is just driven further nuts by the pain.  I could go back and try to hit the major plot points for you.....but.....after watching the movie again....I really don't want to.  Don't get me wrong, Squirm can be a fun little low budget nature run amok movie but one that you only drag out once every few years to watch.

If you wanna watch this, I would recommend starting with the MST3K version to be honest.  The banter is pretty funny and it definitely helps to get you through the boring talky parts (of which there are a few).  If you dig that, THEN go for the uncut version....which has a little more gore (not much) and worm action.  The climax of the film, in which the worms go on an all out rampage IS a pretty ludicrous spectacle to behold.

Midnight Cinephile Totals:

Boob Count:  We get a shower scene that shows a wee bit of skin, but nothing exciting.

Body Count:  Well, there's the dead Skeletonized™ antique dealer and then there's Roger, the crazed inbred redneck who first gets worms burrowed into his face and then gets tossed into a giant mass of worms.  I think that a bunch of townsfolk died to.....but it's never explicitly said.

Beast Count:  Worms man.  Thousands of worms.  Soooo many worms.  You could say a shit ton of worms.  Doing it.  Not really.  Well, maybe some of them were.....who knows.


Final Thoughts:
There are worse films that you could watch.  If you like Jeff Lieberman's work, this would also be worth checking out.  Lieberman wrote and directed such classics as Blue Sunshine, Just Before Dawn and Satan's Little Helper.  Also The Neverending Story III.....which is not a classic.


Final Rating:
Two Pizza Rolls out of Five

Black Books: The Grapes of Wrath - Dr Frankenstein Makes Some Wine

As is most often the case for me, the shows that I love best are short lived.  Whether it be the classic 80's sci-fi cop show, Automan (1 Season, 13 Episodes), the awesome 90's War of the Worlds series (2 Seasons, 43 Episodes) or Black Books, which lasted only 3 Seasons, but carried a scant 18 episodes (only 6 per season).

Black Books is possibly the most hilarious British Comedy I have ever seen.  Actually, let me take that a step further.  It may quite possibly be the most hilarious TV Show, EVER.  Each episode is a masterwork in humor.  A perfect mix of dry British humor and absolute absurdity mesh together in the story of Bernard Black (Dylan Moran) and his second-hand bookstore.  Along with his assitant Manny (the ever hilarious Bill Baily) and next door shop owner Fran (Tamsin Grieg), the trio quite often stumble through the daylight hours in various hungover states while getting themselves into ever more ridiculous situations.  Perhaps someday I will write up a full entry on the series, but
today I really want to talk about one of my favorite episodes, called The Grapes of Wrath.

The episode beings with a monastery in 1900 Bordeaux where monks discover grapes grown from a thorned rose bush.  According to a prophecy, these grapes will be made into a wine which would be fit for the Holy Father himself.  Back in present day, we find that Manny is getting distressed by the filth in the store and the living quarters behind it.  He calls in help from a creepy fellow simply called The Cleaner.  Bernard is not very happy with Manny (as usual) protesting that the apartment isn't that dirty.  When the cleaner arrives, they are told that they will need to vacate the living quarters while he cleans.

As it so happens, their friend Freddie is going away and asks the boys to house sit for him.  Not having anywhere else to go, they agree.  Once at Freddie's they are given the tour.  Freddie takes Manny into the basement and shows him two wine racks.  One large one is full of ordinary wine and they can drink as much of it as they like.  Next to it is a smaller rack with old dusty bottles of wine, which are quite expensive.  One of them, called Le Vin du Rosier is to be presented to The Pope.

Freddie leaves and the boys make themselves at home and get to drinking some wine (which is a very common pastime for them).  When going down to the basement to get another bottle, an inebriated Manny mixes up the wine racks, and grabs the Le Vin du Rosier by mistake.  They drink the entire bottle and it is only afterward that Manny realized his mistake.  Looking up Le Vin du Rosier in a wine book, he discovers that it costs £7,000 (over $11,000 USD)!

The two of them concoct a scheme to replace the wine with a homebrew "Super Wine" by combining different wines, some nutmeg and a branch from an Oak tree.  This is one of the most hilarious scenes in the entire series.  Bernard becomes a vineyard Frankenstein, with Manny taking up the role of his Igor.  Manny (after chipping his tooth on some Taffy and an accident with a neck massager which leaves him with a cricked neck and a limp) shuffles back and forth bringing Bernard his needed ingredients.  Bernard cackles maniacally as he (in his mind) skillfully blends the ingredients.....and even beating him after sending out to grab some Oak from the tree outside.  I must have rewound this scene about 12 times, laughing harder each time.  It is truly comedic gold.

There is a subplot involving Fran's date with a clearly gay man, which is pretty humorous as well.  Fran's failed attempts at being seductive are quite amusing, indeed.  Naturally the date fails and at the end of the episode, the shop and Bernard and Manny's apartment are back to messy status.  Manny shows Bernard a newpaper stating that The Pope has died from ingesting inferior wine and Fran shows up with her new date.......The Cleaner.

Black Books is available to watch streaming on Netflix and on Amazon Instant Video.  If you have not seen this series, do so immediately.  If you love British comedies, then you will undoubtedly love Black Books.

The Brady Bunch: Out of This World - Peter and Bobby Have a Close Encounter!

Whoa....what the hell is going on here?  The Brady Bunch on Midnight Cinephile?  You bet!  In particular the classic Season 5 episode, Out of This World in which Peter and Bobby see a UFO and typical Sherwood Schwartz hilarity ensues.  I hadn't thought about The Brady Bunch in a long time, let alone this episode, but I happened upon it late one night and immediately knew that I needed to babble about it here.

"To Peter and Bobby......love.....Buffalo Bill...."

 The episode starts with Peter and Bobby getting an autograph from Brigadier General James A. McDivitt, who was being interview on a TV show about his UFO sighting.  That night, Bobby wakes Peter up when he hears a strange sound outside.  The boys look out the window to see a bright red UFO hovering in the sky.  The boys excited tell everyone what they saw and are naturally met with skepticism.  Determined to get proof, the boys camp out in the back yard with Carol's camera and snap photos when the UFO re-appears.

RUUUUNNNNN!  The Invasion has begun!

Bobby and Peter realize that they are about to be probed.....

After the photos are developed, Mike makes a call to the Air Force to have them look at the photos and get their expert opinion.  The Air Force sends Captain McCartney to The Brady residence to investigate.  The Captain doesn't believe in UFO's, until the strange noise is heard again and he see's the glowing red phenomena for himself.  He immediately starts to call his superiors to report the incident.  Things are not quite as them seem however, as it turns out that Greg has been pulling a prank of Peter and Bobby.  He shows the general how he created the UFO with a clear plastic tarp, a red flashlight and a whistle.  Being that this is The Brady Bunch, all's well that ends well and Greg is let off the hook by the Captain in return for Greg's silence that The Captain fell for the prank himself.

There is a fun sequence in which Bobby dreams that the UFO lands he he meets the occupants, little green skin folk called Kaplutians.  They want to take Bobby to their home planet to meet their people.  They promise to have him back in a short amount of time...."about 3,000 years".

I had a caption for this....but it was far from appropriate.

The whole episode is quite charming and while there are many other episodes that are far more recognized such as Season 4's The Subject Was Noses, (in which Marcia makes two dates for Saturday night, then is accidentally hit in the nose by a football that Peter and Bobby are playing with..) this episode really captures what I loved about the show when I was a kid.

Where's Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones when you need them?!?

When I was but a wee little cinephile, I used to get all sorts of books on UFO's from the public library.  I would study all the pictures and try to imagine what it would be like to actually see a real life UFO.  This episode let me kind of see what it would be like.....and incidentally also introduced me to the concept of UFO hoaxing.

Out of This World aired on January 18th, 1974, toward the end of the 5th season (It was episode 16 of 22)  and as far as I'm concerned is one of the best.  If you like finding "out there" episodes of retro tv shows, you can't go wrong with this one!

Tasmanian Devils - Winnie Cooper vs. Carnivorous Marsupials

Tasmanian Devils
2013
Director - Zach Lipovsky
Writer - Brook Durham
Starring - Danica McKellar, Kennith Mitchell, Apolo Ohno


Tag Line:   The Hunt Has Begun



Alternative Titles:  None




Hoo-boy.  As you know, I have a weak spot for bad movies and Syfy is always pretty gracious with their Saturday night flicks.  Enter Tasmanian Devils, a creature feature starring Danica McKellar.  Yep, that's right, Winnie Fucking Cooper!  That was enough to sell me on it.  Was it worth it?  Well....yes and no.

Nailed it!!!!!

 
Tasmanian Devils is about a group of base jumpers who head to Devil's Peak in Tasmania....which is located in the middle of government protected wilderness.  These geniuses bring along $50k with them to bribe the officials who will most certainly be coming along to arrest them.  Ah yes....good ol' fashioned American egotism.  Anyway, they land their chopper on top of the peak (which is really less of a peak and more of a plateau....but hey....let's not split hairs here...), gear up and head to the cliff face.

The Wonder Years: 20 Years Later - Winnie Got a Gun

Stone is a noob and this is his first jump.....naturally you wouldn't make your first jump something easy and legal.  Nope, you wanna make it a 3,000 foot high chunk of rock in the middle of hostile wilderness in a foreign country.  So, Stone is having second thoughts and after some razzing from his friends takes the plunge.  Then the dumbass waits too long to pull his 'chute.  Crashing through the trees, he manages to fall through a hole in the rocks below....a hole that's about three feet wide.  After falling through said, hole, he then manages to land smack dab on a stalagmite, which naturally impales him.  This doesn't kill him though.  Even more amazing is the fact that he is impaled with a giant stalagmite obviously severing his spine and his legs are still moving!  Anyway, turns out he fell into a cave that the Aborigines used as a sort of sacred sacrificial offering place.  His blood has awakened some ancient monster Tasmanian Devils with glowing mouths.

The jumpers get arrested by Alex (McKellar) and her fellow rangers, but things get out of control fast when her two colleagues mauled by the Devils.  Alex releases the group and they must now stick together a find a way to survive the onslaught of Tasmanian Devil attacks. So as you can see, there's not much in the way of new material here, in terms of story.  However there is some fun gore to be had in this one.

"I'm just gonna stick around here guys......guys?"

We get the aforementioned impalement by stalagmite (which he then gets ripped off of the stalagmite by a Devil), we get a dude who's cheek has been run through by a sharp branch of a tree, effectively pinning him to the tree by his face.  A woman gets ripped in two, a guy gets half of his face swiped off and more!  So there's some good grue here for you gorehounds.

It's just like ET!  Only with no bike, no aliens....and a Tasmanian Devil...

There are plenty of absolutely insane moments that make absolutely no sense as well.  Such as when one of the jumpers (who is an NYC cop....yet is dumb enough to partake in this whole illegal jump) builds a makeshift flamethrower, MacGuyver style.  When he's asked how he knew how to make it, he responds that he once arrested a kid who made one from specs on the internet.  So....yeah.  However this does lead to a rather cool moment with Alex wielding the flamethrower and toasting one of the Devils.  It was very Ripleyesque.

Midnight Cinephile Totals

Body Count:  Seven.  Not really high, but as I mentioned above the deaths are gory and fun.  I think my favorite is the face swipe.

Boob Count:  Keep dreaming.  This is a Syfy original.  Though McKellar is wearing a rather nice white tank top.

Beast Count:  There are six of the titular creatures in all.  Sadly they are all computer animated and it looks like they came out of a Playstation 2 game.  At least one corporeal creature would have been nice, rather than completely digital, but hey.....it's Syfy.


Final Thoughts:

I was tempted to turn this one off after about half an hour, but I kept with it and ultimately I'm glad I did.  It's completely inept and ridiculous, but not without it's charms....most of all the beautiful Danica McKellar.  I hadn't seen in her in much as of late, save for an appearance on The Big Bang Theory and an interview on Attack of the Show, in which she was promoting the books she had written to help kids learn.  Only researching her a bit more for this review did I find out that she posed for Maxim Magazine and Stuff Magazine a few years ago.  Holy hell, I've fallen in love with Winnie Cooper all over again.

Final Rating:
Two out of Five Pizza Rolls

John Dies At The End - A Coscarellian Trip Through Time, Space and Dimensions

John Dies At The End
2012
Director - Don Coscarelli
Writer - Don Coscarelli (Screenplay) David Wong (Original Novel)
Starring - Chase Williamson, Rob Mayes, Paul Giamatti, Fabianne Therese


Tag Line:
Just so you know.....they're sorry for anything that's about to happen.

Alternate Title:
Džon umire na kraju - Serbia



Every so often a film comes along that really speaks to me.  A film that possesses a certain....Je ne sais quoi.  This is one of those films.  It really is quite a magical thing when it happens.  You can't tell when a film will have this effect on you before hand.  Sure you can watch the trailer and say "Gee, that looks neat!", but until you are sitting in the dark while light and shadow dances across the screen, you truly have no idea how you'll come out on the other side.  This time, I came out a slightly different person than I was going in.

This is going to be a little bit of a tricky review....because John Dies At The End is a quite complex film that I suspect has more to reveal to me on subsequent viewings.  It's a truly unique vision that is at once extremely complex, yet so beautifully simple.  You can't just sit back and "check your brain at the door" when watching this movie.  You've got to pay attention.....yet at the same time, don't over think it because it will stop making sense.  There in lies the transcendental beauty of the whole thing.

Here's the need to know basics of it:  There is a drug known as Soy Sauce.  Only it's not exactly a drug....it's alive.....sort of.  If you take it, you will be able to see, hear and experience things that no one else can.  I guess it's sorta like the potion that Victor Wong gives Kurt Russell in Big Trouble In Little China.  Only different.  Unfortunately most people who take this drug end up either dead or not human anymore.  Enter our heroes John and Dave.  They've managed to stay alive and human after being injected with Soy Sauce.

This is one of those everything-but-the-kitchen-sink.....oh-no-wait-there-it-is type of movies.  I know that this is going to sound completely whack-o....but it reminded me a bit of Dude Where's My Car?!!!  Not plotwise....but just in the aforementioned what-the-hell-could-possibly-happen-now sense.  Some of the out there sights to behold are a monster made of frozen cuts of meat, a psychic dog that can drive and a mustache ripping off of a man's face and flying around the room.  Just about every scene contains a WTF moment.

If you are a Coscarelli fan, then you definitely cannot afford to miss this one.  It is a total trip and a half.  It is currently available to view VOD (but not for long) and on Amazon to rent before it's in theaters.  It opens in select theaters tomorrow (1/25/13).  See it at any cost, it's totally worth it.


Midnight Cinephile Totals:

Body Count:  There is quite a hefty body count in this one!  I can't even begin to guess the actual number, but it's in the double digits, that's for dang sure!  Gorehounds should be pleased with this one.

Boob Count:  There are quite a few bare breasts in this one too.  They're not spread out throughout the movie though....they are pretty much concentrated into one scene.  But hey...boobs are boobs, are they not?

Beast Count:  There's a shit ton of different monsters, creatures and beasties on display here as well!  The aforementioned meat monster, the sentient flying mustache, an extra-dimensional....er....thing....and more!

Final Thoughts:
This is a fun roller-coaster ride for sure, but there is one thing that is stuck in my head.  Something one of the characters says.  It's a strange Jamaican (named Robert Marley...HA!) guy who is on the Soy Sauce and demonstrating his supernatural abilities.  To prove his abilities, he reads Dave's mind and tells him about the dream he (Dave) had that morning during a thunderstorm.  In the dream, his ex-girlfriend had a bundle of dynamite and a cartoon style plunger/detonator.  When Dave asks her what she's doing, she simply says "This." and pushes the plunger/detonator.  It explodes with a bang and Dave wakes up to a clap of thunder.  Robert then says:  "But the scary question is, how did your mind know?  How did it know there was going to be a clap of thunder?  It started the dream 30 seconds before there was thunder.  How could it know?"  It IS a rather curious question, isn't it?  This is just one example of the questions about parallel universes and dimensions, time travel and the very essence of existence that this movie raises.  It's mind blowing when you start to sit down and process it all.

Final Rating:
FIVE OUT OF FIVE PIZZA ROLLS!!!!!!!!!!

No Apocalypse in sight....so UH-OH LET'S GO RETRO!

Well, December 21st came and went and there were no earthquakes.  No asteroids, meteors or comets colliding with the planet.  The ever elusive Nibiru did not suddenly make itself known to us before smashing us to oblivion.  There were no zombies, no plagues (unless you count this damn flu that is kicking everyone's ass in Central Massachusetts right now).  There was no rapture and there were certainly no signs that this big ol' blue marble we call home was about to explode, implode or any other kind 'plode.  In short....life is going to go on, just as it has for millions of years here on Planet Earth.   Yes.  Millions.  I'm counting the Dinosaurs.

So how am I celebrating the New Year this year?  Well, I've been going pretty solid on a retro kick lately.  For Christmas, I received some fantastic OOP horror movies such as Microwave Massacre, The Willies, Slaughterhouse Rock and Gourmet Zombie Chef From Hell...among others.  Those will be getting reviewed in due time.  Plus I've still got a pretty solid back catalog of films that need reviewing.  Here's hoping 2013 is a little more lenient with time!

Also, I've been rediscovering my love for video games....particularly retro video games.  This kicked into high gear when Nintendo Power published it's final issue this month after almost TWENTY FIVE YEARS OF PUBLICATION!!!!  NP was a huge part of my childhood and it's sent me on a rediscovery of the wonders of retro gaming.  Some of you may know of a short lived blog that I had started up called The Dungeon of Vestron.  It was meant to be the video game sibling to this site's original incarnation, The Wizard of Vestron.  I'm considering melding a bit of Dungeon here onto Midnight Cinephile.  After all, I did spend MANY a late night playing video games while watching horror movies on TV as well.  It was one of my favorite ways to spend a Saturday night as a kid.  We'll see what develops there!

I truly hope that you've all had a MONSTROUS holiday season.  This year has been Midnight Cinephile's biggest so far.  Okay, well technically it's MC's first....but I'm counting it's time as WOV as well.  So thank you all for continuing to read my tiny little microcosm of a corner in the deep dark basement of the internet.  I hope you'll continue to drop by for more goodness in 2013!

Santa Claus - Possibly The Creepiest Film Ever.

Santa Claus
1959
Directed by Rene Cardona
Starring Jose Elias Moreno, Cesáreo Quezadas 'Pulgarcito', José Luis Aguirre 'Trotsky'  & Armando Arriola

Tag Lines 
An Enchanting World of Make Believe!

Bursting upon our BIG SCREEN in all the colors of the rainbow... a prize-winning blue ribbon treat for old and young alike! Here's something for the whole family to see together!

See All the Weird and Wonderful Characters of Make-Believe! The Fantastic Crystal Work-Room of the Happy Elves! The Fabulous Realm of the Candy-Stick Palaces!

At Last a Movie That's All About Him!

Better Than a Visit From Saint Nick Himself!

No Alternative Titles


Oh man.  I don't know where to start with this one.  In the grand tradition of extremely messed up Christmas stuff, we get Santa Claus.  A Mexican film from 1959.  This absolutely gets classified under the "must-see" category of bad Christmas movies.  Where else are you going to see Santa Claus fighting a red spandex clad demon?

It's Pitch!!!!!

In this wonky Christmas trashterpiece, Lucifer sends Pitch, a red devil to Earth to cause children to behave badly.... henceforth disrupting Christmas.  Santa, whose palace is basically a giant hovering UFO palace spies on Pitch's activities through some extremely fucked up devices that I am assuming are possibly bio-mechanical.  There is a telescope with an eyeball on the end, there is a radar/parabolic ear - with a friggin EAR on it! - and quite possibly the creepiest device is a God-knows-what with a giant pair of lips on it.  It looks like some kind of fucked up alien blowjob device for giants.  Santa is one sick bastard, I'll tell you what.  I don't even want to get into the

Creepy Merlin helps Creepy Santa.

fact that there are no elves.  Nope....apparently Santa's taken children from Earth to work at his shop/palace.  On them kids on the side of the milk carton?  Santa took them.  Freak.

Before Santa goes to Earth, he needs some help from his assistant, Merlin.  Yep.  You read that right.  Merlin.  Most powerful wizard in all the world (yes even more powerful than Harry Potter!), once most trusted adviser to King Arthur is now Santa's assistant.  Bet ya didn't see that once coming, did ya? Oh it gets even better:  Not only does Santa have Merlin squirreled away in his floating palace of mysterious wonders, but he's also got Vulcan in there!  Not the planet, or the pointy eared species from Star Trek.  I'm of course referring to the Roman God of Beneficial and Hindering Fire.....aka the Greek God Hephaestus.

What the hell is this?  Santa's Gloryhole?

This is one film that simply has to be seen to be believed.  There is just so much whacked out imagery going on that it's impossible to accurately describe how wonky it truly is.  If you are a fan of not only bad cinema, but bad Christmas cinema, then you owe it to yourself to see this one.  Some may find it a bit of a tough watch, but if you're in the right mindset (and have plenty of egg nog) then you'll be all set!



Midnight Tally

Body Count:  Nope.  Though I do wonder what has become of those child slaves that Santa keeps!

Boob Count:  Of course not, you perverts!

Monster Count:  Well, we've got Pitch.  He's a dude wearing a red spandex devil suit with red facepaint.  I think that counts.



Final Thoughts

I'm not going to lie, this one had me wondering more than once what the hell the filmmakers were thinking about.  The whole giant floating palace full of child workers and bio-mechanical devices seemed like some kind of low rent fever dream that I might have had after eating a bad Swiss Colony cheese & meat platter.  Yet, I can't help but find a certain wonky charm about it.  This would make a good double bill with Santa Claus Conquers The Martians.



Final Rating

Three out of Five Pizza Rolls

Santa Claus Conquers The Martians - Sadly....no Tripods.

Santa Claus Conquers The Martians
1964 
Directed by Nicholas Webster
Starring John Call, Leonard Hicks, Vincent Beck, Victor Stiles & Pia Zadora


Tag Lines
Blast off for Mars... with Santa and a pair of Earth kids! Science-Fun-Fiction at its height!

Santa Claus saves Christmas for the Children of the World!

Santa Kidnapped by the Martians! Out-of-this-world fun 'n' action...as two Earth Kids are whisked away with him to Mars!

SEE: The Martians Kidnap Santa! Santa's North Pole Workshop! The Fantastic Martian Toy Factory! Earth Kids Meeting with Martian Kids! Space-ship Journey from Earth to Mars! Santa Turn Mars-Robot Into a Mechanical Toy!

Santa Brings Christmas Fun to Mars!

Alternate Titles

Santa Claus Defeats The Aliens - USA
Joulupukki valloittaa Marsin (Santa Claus Conquers Mars) - Finland
Jultomten fixar allt! (Santa Does It All!) - Sweden
Le père Noël contre les martiens (Santa Claus Against The Martians) - France
Ο αρης εναντιον της γης (Mars Against The Earth) - Greece
Santa Claus contra los marcianos (Santa Clause Against The Martians) - Venezuela
Swiety Mikolaj wyrusza na podboj Marsa (Santa Claus Goes On To Conquer Mars) - Poland

Voldar is such a dick!

Theater 3000.  I had seen quite a few episodes of MST3K back in the day, but nothing had prepared me for the brain melting lunacy of Santa Claus Conquers The Martians.  Over the next few years, I waited for a repeat of the episode so I could tape it.  Yes, that's right, I said tape it.  This was in the days of VCR's.  There were no DVRs.....no Tivo.  No Netflix and no You Tube, Amazon, iTunes or other streaming media formats.  I had to scour the TV guide looking for the episode and then manually hit the record button when it aired at 3 o'clock early one Sunday morning.  Supposedly my VCR could be programmed to record at a certain time, but it never worked.

Momar, Kimar, Girmar and Bomar!

The plot is the stuff of bad movie legend.  The children of Mars are in trouble because they do not have their own individuality and they're not having enough fun.  So the Martian leader Kimar decides to kidnap Santa Claus to bring joy to the children of Mars.  Unfortunately, Kimar can't tell the difference between the fake Santas and the real Santa, so first they kidnap two Earth children to help them locate the real Kris Kringle.

Santa and the kids set up shop on Mars and make a toy factory, which gets sabotaged by the jack ass martian Voldar, who tries repeatedly to kill Santa.  What a douche bag.  Of course being a children's movie, all ends well, with the help of the goofy Dropo, who is so enamored with Santa when he arrives that he starts to dress like him and act like him.

Of course Mars gets into the Holiday spirit and Christmas is saved once again.

Oh yeah and there's a wicked cheesy robot called Torg!

Midnight Cinephile Totals:

Body Count:  Not here, friends.  This is a kid friendly Christmas flick!

Boob Count:  Once again, nadda.  Zip.  Zilch.

Monster Count:  Well, there are Martians galore!  They're basically green skinned people with silly clothes and stupid headgear, but hey, we take what we can get, right!  There is also Torg, the cardboard robot that makes Robot Monster look imposing!  Seriously!


Final Thoughts:
Santa Claus Conquers The Martians has become a staple in my annual Christmas movie/viewing rotation.  You can't help but love the wonky sets and horrible acting.....oh and of course the horribly catch song "Hurray for Santy Claus!"


Final Score:
Three out of Five Pizza Rolls

The Wraith - Winning with Tiger Blood....and a souped up Dodge!

The Wraith
1986
Director-Mike Marvin
Stars- Charlie Sheen,Nick Cassavetes, Sherilyn Fenn and Randy Quaid

Tag Lines:

He's not from around here....
An evil force took his life.....now an unearthly power has brought him back
He's heaven sent and hell on wheels!
....his spirit returns for revenge
If you've done nothing wrong, you've got nothing to fear.
He is a phantom - a wraith.


Alternate Titles: 

A Aparição (The Appearance)  - Brazil
A Ira (The Wrath) - Portugal
Száguldó bosszú (Speedy Revenge) - Hungary
A fantom (The Phantom) - Hungary (video title)
A kísértet (The Ghost) - Hungary (alternate title)
El aparecido (The Wraith) - Spain
El ejecutor (The Executor) - Spain (TV title)
Il replicante (The Wraith) - Italy
Interceptor - West Germany
Interceptor - Phantom der Ewigkeit (Interceptor - Phantom of Eternity) - Gemany (DVD title)
Kosto rajan takaa (Revenge of the Border) - Finland
Ο εκδικητης φαντασμα (The Vengeful Ghost) - Greece
Phantom - France
Utvara (Wraith) - Serbia

******SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT*********
This review marks the first that I have not written myself.  I have handed the reigns over to the lovely Cynn Delite.  She will give us a more female perspective on some classic films.  Without further adieu:  I give you Sin Delight:


Hello All, 
Cynn Delite here.  As you can see, I've taken my identity from the ghosts of porn stars past.  I'll be popping out....oops, I mean in.....from time to time to blow your minds with reviews of lost gems such as The Wraith and many more.    

On with the review:

Being born in 1979, I was sure my parents would not have allowed me to watch this diamond. I can't tell you when I first watched The Wraith, but I am pretty sure it was on HBO or a paid premium channel some many years later.

You wouldn't think a girl would like this kind of movie, even with a young good looking Charlie Sheen. But there was something about it. I should have been drawn to the night in shinning armor,or at least the bad boy vibe. But it was the cars, specifically the Dodge that Jake Kesey drove, under the guise of "The Visitor" that got me. The movies main theme, fast cars and hot chicks was geared more towards the male population, but it still fascinated me. 

The black dodge was a M4S. It was a collaboration between Dodge and Chrysler and a company called PPG Industries. The M4S had a Chrysler 2.2 liter 4 cylinder one of a kind engine that exceeded 194 mph. The kick ass body design was developed by Chrysler's studio, and PPG made the awesome finish. They called it a bronze pearl paint ,which was one of a kind. Everything about this car, I wanted for my 16th birthday. I don't consider myself a gear head, but I fell in love. And when they popped the hood of this sexy beast, I wanted my own M4S engine to glow, and have electric strikes running across it too. And I tell you what, if a teenage boy I knew had this car, my teenage self would have lost a lot in that back seat. 

So here is the break down. The main bad ass (I use that term loosely) Packard Walsh has a gang. He forces other cars to race him, albeit with a switch blade, to basically nab there pink slips. Along comes innocent and pure love Jamie Hankins and Keri Johnson. Packard wants Keri, Keri no want Packard, Packard stab boyfriend Jamie, now Packard has Keri. But wait...why is Keri and Packard together? He killed her love. Well that comes to light, so I won't spoil it for you. Somehow through all this, parents are not present for these teenage shenanigans, but this is the eighty's people. 

Is The Wraith from heaven, hell, were not sure but he is here to kick some ass. Specifically the Packard gang, and then this man in black with a kick ass car, just happens to show up when Jake Kesey arrives. Coincidence? Could this be a spirit of someone wronged? To lay tire tread all over your body? 

One by one The Wraith races each of Packards gang members, and looses with his life. I have to say, the way each died was not pretty, but the carnage of car metal vs bloody bodies was null. It was very clever how these dead boy's appeared. And just a little creepy. 

In the end good always triumphs over evil. I have to say I did get a little emotional when a special gift is presented to an important character, that doesn't really get a lot of face time. 

If ya like anything 80's, and cool cars for the time period, topped with 80's artists. See it!

Midnight Cinephile Totals:

Body Count:
Five.  Considering who the characters that were killed, WERE.....it was a wide sweep.

Boob Count:
Technically two, but we see the same pair multiple times.

Monster Count:
One.  Not a classical monster, but never the less, a monster to those who were hunted!

Final Thoughts:
I still want that car.


Final Rating:
Four out of Five Pizza Rolls

Aliens: They Scare The Crap Out of Me

Alien.  That one simple word holds more horror for me than an entire Stephen King novel.  I've always had this love/hate fascination with aliens.  As a child, I would constantly take out books about UFO's from the library.  I would read the cases and study the photographs and I would quietly freak out that I might get abducted and experimented on.  It's silly, but that irrational fear still lingers in the back of my mind.  I hear a strange noise in the house at night and my first thought isn't "GHOST!".  Nope....my first thought is "AW FUCK.....ALIENS!"

I remember when I was about 7 or 8, my Dad bought me a copy of the Alien video game for the Commodore 64.  I had never seen the movie, but I was VERY familiar with the VHS box art that graced the copy that sat on the shelf at Video Paradise as well as my new game.   Oh....that strange awful egg....cracked and leaking green stuff.....that strange alien lattice work beneath it.  That tag line....In Space, No One Can Hear You Scream......I couldn't even begin to imagine what horrors awaited.  We got it at K-Mart.  I don't know why I remember that exactly.....I just have an image in my head of me and my Dad at the game counter.  Thought I would share that with you.

The Alien game had quite an effect of me.  Loading up the game (yes, back in those days, you had to actually load the game yourself!) for the first time, I had no idea what to expect.  When  the title screen appeared, it was incredible.....and frightening.  The music that plays during the title sequence of the game is absolutely evil.  The SID tune used a series of filters to create a sound that was literally out of this world.  It FELT alien.  The music immediately burned itself into my brain.....joining the ranks of the Forbbiden Forest (and Beyond The Forbidden Forest)  as my all time favorite video game music.

The game itself was quite hard and I never completed it, but I still had a lot of fun trying my best to get rid of the alien on my ship.  When a crew member was killed, it switched to an animation of the alien attacking.  The 8-Bit incarnation of the Alien was my first exposure to the titular beast.  I remember asking my Dad if it looked in the movie as it did in the game.  He said "Yeah...sorta."  And that was that.   A few years later, I finally watched the film and decided he was right.

I had a nightmare about that damned egg on the poster.  In my dream, my sister and I were walking home from the bus stop.  When we rounded the corner of our street and our house came into view, that egg was hovering in the air very close to our house.  It was pulsating.  We rushed inside and into the kitchen.  The house was empty.  My sister opened the cabinet where my mother kept all our canned goods.  There was a room back there behind the cans!  We climbed into this secret room and we watched from a tiny window that egg.....pulsating and starting to crack.  We didn't know where our parents were.  We sat and waited....and watched.  It pulsated more.  It cracked more.  Finally my mother's Plymouth Valiant rolled around the corner and she pulled up to the house.  She started to get out of the car and the Egg suddenly dropped and broke open in front of the car.  My mother screamed and I woke up.  I'll never forget that nightmare.  It terrified me beyond reason.  I stopped playing the game for quite a while after that.  It's probably got a lot to do with the fact that it took me a long time for finally watch the movie too!

As scary as Alien was.....as I grew older it was still the "real" aliens that I read about in Time Life's Mysteries of the Unknown books that scared me.  Greys.  I started to read about Roswell and the Government's alleged cover-up of the crashed saucer.  I read about the Travis Walton case.  And then I watched the most terrifying film about aliens ever made:  Fire in the Sky.  I still can't watch that movie by myself.  I watched it with my Mom one Saturday night in my room.  I had just gotten a VCR in my room and my Dad had wanted to watch something else on TV....so
we took our rented copy of Fire in the Sky....and a bag of microwave popcorn and 90 minutes later, we were both terrified.

Oh yeah....don't get me started on Communion.  Aliens.  Abduction....AND Christopher Walken?!?   Holy crap.  I caught an edited version of it on TV once....I think it might have been on FOX.....back when they showed an 8 o'clock movie.  Remember the good ol' days?

The odd part has always been the fact that despite the fact that aliens scare the crap out of me, I can't seem to get enough.  I can't stop reading about them or watching movies like The Fourth Kind.  That movie wigged me out too.  Since I'm confessing here, I might as well go ahead and tell you that I went to see M. Night Shyamalan's Signs.....and I did not sleep well that night.  Go ahead, call me a pussy.  I won't stop you.  It's not my fault that this shit scares me, I'm just wired that way.

I'm beyond obsessed with Ancient Aliens, UFO Hunters and the slew of bizarre alien and UFO programming that you find on a multitude of channels these days.  I firmly believe that there is life on other planets.  I don't know if they've visited us yet, but I have a feeling they have.  I think that I may just see the day that the world discovers once and for all that we are not alone in the universe in my lifetime.  I will then promptly arm myself to the teeth and get ready to kick E.T's ugly ass.  I've seen enough movies to know how this ends.

Nightwish - Invasion of the Ectoplasmic Hallucinatory Aliens from Hell......or something like that.

Nightwish

1990

Written and Directed by:  Bruce R. Cook

Starring:  Jack Starrett, Elizabeth Kaitan, Alisha Das, Clayton Rohner, Artur Cybulski 

and Brian Thompson.

Alternative Titles:

Nightwish, Out of Control - Hungary/West Germany

Monstrous en la noche (Monsters at Night) - Spain

Nocne Życzenie (literally translates as Night Wish) - Poland

Sonhos de Horror (Dreams of Horror) - Brazil

I didn't really know what to expect going into this film.  It had been taunting me on Netflix streaming for some time.   Every time I sat down to watch a flick, I'd scroll by Nightwish and stop for a second or two, contemplating watching it....then I would think of something else that I had been meaning to watch and go on my merry way.  Well, I've been under the weather for the past few days and pretty much laid up in bed.  In between bouts of fever sleep, when I just couldn't force myself to sleep anymore, I'd fire up Netflix and it finally came time to give Nightwish a shot.

I'm not going to lie....this movie is a mess.  It starts out like standard horror fare.  A blonde is out at night alone.  She comes across a man's shoe.....then a bloody shirt (I think.....it kinda looked like a torn shirt....but really, who cares), and then his severed hands.  She is then spotted and chased by a cannibal/zombie/lunatic.  She tries to give him the slip, but then runs into another one.  They chase her to a building door and catch her.  She screams as the people inside the building stare out the window at her.  Turns out it was just a dream.  There's a doctor and science students doing dream studies.  Apparently the doctor wants them to "Project their own death" into their dreams.  None of them can do it though because their "dreams get away from them and they lose control".  Then the doctor proceeds to tell them that when he's finished with them, they won't be afraid of anything.  Creepy, Doc.....real creepy.  The students, Kim, Donna, Bill and Jack all seem like they're a bit old for college, but hey, what do I know.

Okay.....so this is gonna be like a killer dreams type of flick, eh?  Okay cool!  No wait....now they're in a van driven by a dude named Dean (Brian Thompson....you know....Kabal from Dr. Mordrid!) heading to a cabin to meet the doctor and help him with some parapsychological investigations.  Parapsychological.....not sure if that's a word, but I'm gonna run with it.  Makes me sounds smaht.  Yep.....that H was on purpse.....I AM from Massachusetts after all.  Which means I'm wicked pissah.  Now that I've derailed my own review......

So they're at the cabin and weird shit starts to happen almost immediately.  Turns out the good doctor and Bill rigged up the equipment to start going haywire to freak the others out.  Apparently, this is some sort of "training" according to the doctor.  But there was an ectoplasmic snake that wasn't part of the doc's bag of tricks.  From here on out it starts getting really wonky.  The doc sets up a seance in the basement with a pentagram and handcuffs everyone around the symbol.  When things don't go quite like the doc wants, he stabs one of the kids, a weird bald guy comes up out of the sub basement level that works for the doctor.....and shit generally just falls apart.  

Under penalty of death, the mad doc forces the three remaining kids to continue their paranormal investigations of the house.  Donna manages to escape....sort of and discovers that The Doctor and Bill are friggin' aliens!  Or maybe not....there's a lot of talk about the "entity" in the house causing people to hallucinate.  It really starts turning into a "throw the kitchen sink at 'em" scenario.  Aliens, Ghosts, Possessions, Dreams, Mad Doctors......it's all in here.....and it's all weird.

Now having said all of this, I'm not saying I didn't enjoy the film.  This certainly is not for everyone.  Those who really enjoy 80's B horror flicks will get a kick out of the bad acting and the gore effects.  It may interest some as well, that there is a bit of a nifty twist at the end, which predates the likes of films such as Inception.  If you've got 90 minutes to kill then you could do worse than Nightwish.  Even better....invite some friends over to watch it with you.....some drinks and snacks would make this a hell of a Friday Night Flick!

Midnight Cinephile Totals:

Body Count:  8 + - In addition to the eight direct deaths that involve the immediate characters in the film, there are also the bodies of past victims that we see in the alien chamber beneath the house....not sure exactly how many bodies there were there.  Of course then again, did anybody really die?

Skin Count:  We get to see two sets of boobs in this one.  First we get to see Elizabeth Kaitan in a soaking wet see through shirt (which she then takes off).  Later we see her breasts again in a shear purple nighty....thing.  We also see Alisha Das' breasts as she feels herself up during an alien fever dream.  

Monster Count:  There are a few different creatures in this one.  There's the Ectoplasm Snake, There's an Evil Tornado, Aliens and you know what.fuck it...I'm going to count Stanley....The Doctors helper.  He's not really a creature....but he is god damned ugly!

Final Thoughts:

Despite it's flaws, there is much to like about Nightwish.  Even though it never quite gels on a solid concept, it's that very same flaw that gives this flick some of it's strength.  Whether it was intentional or not, Nightwish operates on a certain dream logic that makes little sense in the sunlight.  But when the sun goes down and the moon comes up....I turn into a teenage Goo Goo Muck....and the film totally works.  Plus it's got Elizabeth Kaitan in it....which makes it awesome no matter how wonky the plot is.

Final Score:

Three out of Five Pizza Rolls