Analog Time Machine - Prologue - The Simpsons Tree House of Horror I

If you were a kid in the 80's and you were anything like me then I'm sure you taped stuff of TV all the time.  Whether it was a favorite movie that was coming on, or your favorite show or even the news if you're that weird.....the point is, sticking a blank VHS tape in the VCR and capturing a few moments or even hours in time didn't seem like it was a big deal.

Now I was not your average kid.  I was OBSESSED with taping shit off TV.  Every Christmas if I didn't get a block of 6 blank tapes, I was upset.  Back in the day I had HUNDREDS of tapes.  Sadly I've lost some of them, some were destroyed and others just stopped working.  But I still have quite a few and I'm going to be going through my tapes and seeing what gold lies within and I thought you'd like to come along for the ride.

I just got some new analog to digital video hardware and software and I took it for a test spin.  The first tape that I popped into the VCR turned out to be a good one so far!  First thing that came up was an airing of The Simpson's Treehouse of Horror I.  This is not the first airing of TOH, but rather part of a mini marathon or TOH episodes I - III leading up to the broadcast of the (then) brand new Episode IV!  It's chock full of awesome early 90's (1993 to be exact) commercials too!  So sit back, strap in, turn on the flux capacitor and get ready to go back to the analog past!  It's the Analog Time Machine™!

I don't know about you, but The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror (or as it's known it's first rendition The Simpsons Halloween Special) was a major holiday event in my younger years (and to this day I never miss a TOH episode).  Garfield's Halloween Adventure was but a distant memory by the time the TOH came about.  It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown is great an' all, but damnit, I needed something more.  I needed my Halloween specials to have a bit more biting satire.  TOH fit that hole in my soul perfectly.  Each episode contains three short stories, anthology style, usually based off popular movies, TV shows or books. 

Ah....the titular treehouse in question.  Not a bad little spooky tree fort the Simpson kids have going on here!  Cool posable skeleton?  Check.  Bat decorations?  Check.  Awesome Jack O'Lantern sitting on the window sill?  Check.  Creepy Halloween moon shining through the window?  Check!  And of course, let's not forget the ultra important flashlight for telling scary stories!    You know, now that I'm thinking about it, I would have given ANYTHING to have an awesome treehouse like this when I was a kid! 

This intro scene kinda reminds me of a Simpsonized version of The Monster Squad.  Or at the very least a Simpsonized version of the the Nightfright segment of Fright Show (aka Cinemagic), the rare VHS anthology film that I feel like I'm constantly gushing about.  Either way, it's kick ass and I love it. 

As we join The Simpson Children, Lisa is finished up telling a version of the old "The Threatening Phone Call Is Coming From Inside The House" story, a la When A Stranger Calls.  Bart is suitably unimpressed and offers to tell her a story that's "REALLY scarifying!"  Thus begins......



The first segment, called Bad Dream House is basically a mash up of haunted house movies.  Mostly The Amityville Horror (the house turns people inside homicidal) and Poltergiest (Indian burial ground in the basement.....house self destructs (as seen above)) and does a great job of setting the mood not only for the rest of the episode, but for the rest of the Treehouse of Horror specials as well.

I can't even tell you how many times I've watched Bad Dream House.....it's got to be in the high thirties to low fifties.  Seriously.  It's that ridiculous.  My favorite part has to be when Homer calls their real estate agent to yell at him for not mentioning that there's an Indian burial ground in the basement (hilariously depicted by a bunch of gravestones with names like Pocahontas on them) eventually hanging up the phone and telling Marge, "He said he mentioned it five or six times."

After Homer's failed phone call, the house starts to threaten the Simpsons with horrible fates:  "You will diiiiieeeee. You will die slowwwwwwwly. Your stomach will swelllllllll, your intestines will wriiiithe and booooil. Your eeeeeyes will buuuuurst. And some horrible stuuuuuuuff, possibly your braiiiiin, will start coming out through your noooooooose."  Then Marge starts to yell out the house.  Lisa tries to make friends and proposes that they all live together happily.  I don't wanna say that it goes bad....but...well....you see the screenshot.

Now, as much fun as it is to watch old episodes of Treehouse of Horror on VHS, I really get a kick out of watching the old commercials.  They truly are what makes Analog Time Travel so powerful.  So let's take a look at what was being advertised back in late 1993!



1-800-COLLECT!  Remember the days before smart phones?  Days when payphones were everywhere (not that half of them worked) and it cost an arm and a leg to talk to a friend a few states away?  Enter 1-800-COLLECT...helping you save money while talking to loved ones far away.

This particular commercial was college themed.  We watch this college fellow as he walks about campus.  He appears to be a big deal.  Looks like a football player.  Probably got a really hot cheerleader girlfriend too.  Everybody calls him by a nickname like Buzz, Ogre or Brick.  He's a nice enough guy but not terribly bright.  Of course the twist at the end of the commercial is that he calls home and says "Mommy?  I miss you!"



Onwards!  It's an M&M's commercial!  And an incredibly 90's one at that!  Basically the whole commercial is people sharing their M&M's and smiling while the early 90's M&M's jingle plays on singing about sharing and smiling and stuff.  My favorite part is right at the beginning.  This leather clad biker couple is sharing a big ass bag of peanut M&M's (my personal favorite!).  It seems like a highly illogical snack for a bike trip.  I mean sure...they melt in your mouth, not in your hand.....but I'm not seeing any carrying bags on that bike, which means it's going in someone's pocket.  It's sunny out.  They're going to warm up and get all gooey.  Still, looks like they're having a heck of a lot of fun there.  

It's a Sega commercial!  More specifically, a commercial for Sonic Mania Day, which occurred on November 23rd, 1993.  What is Sonic Mania Day?  I really don't know!  I was a Nintendo kid growing up, so I was never into Sonic back then. 

The commercial itself is your standard oddball Sega commercial. This odd looking dude is having a serious problem with his eyes as they roll in all kinds of crazy directions rapidly, eventually falling out of his head.  A cartoon Sonic runs around the screen.  The announcer talks about Sonic Mania Day.  The kid takes his eyes that fell out, shoves them back in his head and does the "SEGA!" yell.  Weird.  But cool.

After a quick check, I found that November 23rd was just two days before Thanksgiving in 1993.....so Sonic Mania Day was more than likely a pre-Black Friday sale or something of the like. 



An ad for the next episode of Sinbad.  I never watched the show (never really was a fan...though he had one or two stand-up specials that made me laugh) but apparently the upcoming episode was about Sinbad having to buy a minivan.  Flat jokes, canned laughter.....next commercial.

Oh.....and that outfit.  I mean.....damn.





Now we're talking!  The Adventures of Brisco County Jr.!  The Sci-Fi/Western show starring Bruce Campbell!  Lasted only one season, but damn was it awesome!  Which episode was coming up on that Friday?  I couldn't tell ya exactly.  There were explosions and a train top running sequence and all I could think about was finding a copy of The Complete Brisco County on DVD.  I'm going to get right on that. 



And we're back to Treehouse of Horror with the second segment:  Hungry Are The Damned, which is a fun riff on the classic Twlight Zone episode To Serve Man.  TOH will go on to use TZ as a source for material for many years to come, including the ultra-awesome Terror at 5 1/2 Feet episode.

The Simpsons are having a backyard BBQ when they are suddenly visited by aliens (personal favs Kang and Kodos!), who whisk them away in their flying saucer.  Kang & the Gang (my new band name, I think!) tell them that they are bringing them to their home planet called Rigel IV.  The Simpsons are to be the guests of honor at a great feast.  They are then given all their favorite foods to eat and are encouraged to glut on their favorite chow.

Lisa, being the suspicious perpetual 8 year old girl that she is, sneaks into the alien's kitchen and finds a book called How To Cook Humans.  Homer and family confront the aliens.  Turns out there was a bit of confusion and all is not as it seems.  Poor slimy aliens just can't get a fair shake this side of the galaxy, ya know?

Holy crap!  This one brings my back!  See that human/cartoon hybrid monster back there?  That's Bob.  According to our spokesman to the left (mugging for the camera every second.), Bob has just completed a MONSTER day at school and needs a snack to satisfy his appetite.  Bob seems to enjoy his chocolate milk and grooves on with his bad self while sipping his tasty beverage.



A Fisher Price remote control car commercial.  May seem a bit odd, but remember as far as toy companies and most stores the Christmas season starts around September 1st.  So as far as they're concerned this is hot and heavy into the advertising cycle.  Hell, Black Friday is less than a month away!  Put the idea in their heads early so Mom & Dad know what to get! 



A commercial for Secret Deodorant with Denise Richards!  I'm willing to bet that she'd probably rather forget this one.  The commercial spends most of the time telling young women that even though they're "blossoming" they're not plants.  But don't stink, cause you'll drive away the hunky men.  Or something like that.  To be honest this was a really weird and ultra 90's commercial.  I could have probably gotten about 10 more awesomely bad screen captures from those 30 seconds I spent with teenage Denise.   



A plug for an upcoming episode of Martin.  I'm just going to let the screen capture do the talking here.



If this doesn't scream HALLOWEEN AWESOMENESS at you, then I don't know what to tell you.  I mean, COME ON! 



Evidently, driving a Saturn SC2 is much like flying a jet......or so the actress who states that she's also a pilot would have us believe.  She wants to drive a car that lets people know a bit about her.  Somehow this is supposed to tell people she flies jets?  I'm not gonna lie I was a bit confused about this one and my mind wandered back to a teenage Denise Richards selling deodorant. 



I am downright SHOCKED that it took this long for a fast food commercial to pop up!  Better late than never though and Micky D's shows up to save the day!  First we're treated to food porn shots of the layers of a grilled McChicken sandwich fall in slow motion, stacking up on each other.  Sexy time music plays, which makes me think of teenage Denise Richards again.  Then, BAM!  The screen is static except for a large container of fries which are apparently free with your order!  I LOVE McDonald's fries.  They're so greasy and salty and give me chest pain just thinking about them. 


I forgot all about the old "What you want is what you get" slogan.  I kinda like it.  It's much better than the "I'm lovin' it" crap they've got going on now.  They should change it back.

And we're back and on the final segment of TOH.  Lisa decides to try a classic and reads Edgar Allen Poe's immortal classic, The Raven.  Homer plays the nameless tortured soul pining for Lenore.  Bart has been transmogrified into a raven.  Yep.  I just used the word transmogrified.....and after a quick online dictionary check, I am happy to report that I even used it correctly!  Go me.  Oh yeah...Marge (well her portrait anyway) stands in for Lenore.  Lisa and Maggie are little cherubs with incense. 

What makes this one of the most fantastic segments of ANY TOH episode is that the poem is recited by James Earl Jones!  I mean let's just stop and think about this for a minute.  Darth Vader is reciting Edgar Allen Poe while Homer and Bart act it out.  It doesn't get much more awesome than that!

Of course things take a Simpsonesque twist before we're brought to the conclusion. 

After Lisa finishes the story, Marge calls them to bed.  Homer, who has been sitting up in the tree listening to the stories is scared and shaking.  Shots pan over the kids all sleeping snug in bed.  Homer begs Marge not to turn out the light and she reprimands him for being scared of kids stories.  She turns out the light and Homer see's the Bart Raven in the window, covers his head and groans "Ooooh, I hate Halloween".  Que spooky version of Simpsons theme as ending credits roll.

Another McDonalds commercial!  This time advertising their line of Happy Meal Action figures tied in with Batman: The Animated Series.  There's a CGI animated bit where Batman calls Robin and tells him to meet him at the Gotham McDonalds because Catwoman was sighted there.  Then it cuts to the toys which are available.  And I've got to say they look to be pretty high quality!  I never had any (I was a sophomore in high school in October of '93 so I was actively trying to prove that I wasn't a huge nerd.  It was a phase.  I'm ashamed of it.  I've since regained my nerd cred.)

This is where I must return you to the present for now.  The Analog Time Machine sure was fun for me.  I've got tons more VHS tapes to delve into and I hope that you'll join me as I turn back the clock and check out my childhood and teenage years through magnetized video tape!  



America 3000 - Chuck Wagner vs The Warrior Women!

America 3000
1986
D: David Engelbach
W: David Engelbach

S: Chuck Wagner, Laurene Landon & William Wallace
Rated PG-13 - Approx 92 Min.
Golan-Globus/The Cannon Group

Taglines:
 - Back to the beginning

 - An outrageous post-nuke adventure

Alternate Titles:
America 3000:  Thunder Fighters  -  Spain (Video Title)








"What the Presi says, the Presi does!"
                                                       - Korvis

Well right off the bat, we know we're dealing with a cannon film, so we know that it's going to be pure awesome-sauce.  This flick definitely ranks up there with the likes of A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell, The New Barbarians, Warriors of the Lost World and other such post-apocalyptic wackiness.  This is exactly the kinda flick that I would find myself watch late on a Friday or Saturday night on USA Up All Night.

It's the year 2890.....900 years after the "Great Nuke" that destroyed the world.  The Earth is now dominated by Amazonian women split into various factions.  Men are used as either manual labor (Machos) or sex slaves Seeders.....solely for the purpose of breeding more women....or Frau as they are called).  A young seeder named Korvis breaks free and grows up to be Chuck Wagner.  Korvis learns to read out of a child's alphabet book and slowly forms his own tribe of liberated men, who start to organize to strike back against the oppressive Fraus.

Yep, it's Automan himself!  CHUCK WAGNER!

 Chuck...er...Korvis ends up finding the 900 year old remains of the presidential bunker, which still remarkable has power.  He finds a cache of weapons and a boombox and sets out to end the war of the sexes once and for all.  His golden radiation suit gleaming in the sunshine, he rides his steed back to the men's camp, blasting hair metal out of his boombox.....which I guess had some damn good Duracell batteries in it!

Korvis arranges a meeting with Vena, the leader of the local Frau tribe (the leaders are called Tiaras) in hopes that he can talk to her and make her see the error of her ways.  Unfortunately Lakella (Vena's sister) is a blood thirsty man hater who wants to destroy every bit of testosterone in sight.  She's sort of a bitch.  Which is hot.  In that mean pretty girl kinda way.

Will Korvis and Vena find common ground?  Can men and women live together in harmony?  Watch America 3000 to find out!

Vena and her Warrior Women!

There is a bit of a barrier to entry in this flick, which is the fact that inexplicably, the filmmakers decided that in this post apocalyptic world there's a no lingo that everyone speaks.  Some words are made up.  Other words are given different meanings.  For example:  Negi means no.  Scan means to look.  Woggo means crazy.  Cold means dead.......so you'll hear alot of sentences that sound like this:

"Negga.  Don't go there.  That woggo Frau will scan you and you'll end up cold!"

At first I thought this was going to be a major problem, but truth be told after a little while, I picked up the lingo and had no problems keeping up with the wonky dialog.  So long as you keep and open mind and open ears, you'll be fine.

Nice duds, El Presidente!

I've gotta give a special shout out to the best character in the whole damn flick:  Aargh the Awful.  A mutant Bigfoot like beast who the Frau keep caged up for warrior training.  He's gawdamn amazing.  The final freeze frame of the movie involves Aargh and I've gotta tell you, I think it just might be the best freeze frame I've ever seen in my entire life.  Seriously.  It's THAT good.

Aargh The Awful!

Ranking in John Stanley's Creature Features:
One Star.     *

Gore:
There's a little blood here and there, but nothing major.  This is a PG-13 movie, after all.

T&A:
Nope.  Nada.  Which is really disappointing....it's a Cannon film, damnit!

Monsters:
Aargh the Awful!  He's so damn awesome.  I might start a hair metal band and name it after him.

Aargh is just so damn awesome!

Final Thoughts:
Like I said before, this flick reminds me of the kind of late night flicks I used to watch on USA Up All Night and I felt quite nostalgic watching it.  I almost felt like I was back in my childhood bedroom with a bag of Dorito's and a Dr. Pepper.

Being the kind of guy that I am, I've included a small clip of the film below.  In this scene, Lynka is about to get seeded by a strapping young fellow.  I think that the may have missed the ball in the music department though, so I gave them a bit of a hand.  Enjoy!

Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens - A Spoiler Filled Review!

Well, I figure if you've made it past the post title you've seen the movie and you're well aware that I am going to be going full spoiler here.  

Yep.  Welcome to the new Midnight Cinephile.  I'll spoil the shit out of some stuff, but I'll give you fair warning before hand, so if you read something that you didn't want to, it's your own damn fault!  Okay?  Okay!  Let's get this bad monkey started!

Star Wars Episode VII
The Force Awakens
2015
D: J.J. Abrams
W: J.J. Abrams, Lawrence Kasdan & Michael Arndt
 S: Daisy Ridley, John Boyega & Oscar Isaac
Rated PG-13 - Approx 135 Min.
Disney/Lucasfilm
Taglines
 - Every generation has a story.
 - Coming to your galaxy this winter.
 - The force is calling to you. Just let it in.

 - A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...
Alternate Titles
Okay, so it's pretty much the same everywhere.  Slight variations not much to report on.  Except for the Vietnamese title which according to IMDb is Thân Lúc Thực Tình.  Running that through Google Translator comes up with Body At Food Situation.  Uhhh....what?

"The droid... stole a freighter?"
                                              -Kylo Ren

Luke Skywalker has vanished.
In his absence the sinister
FIRST ORDER has risen from
the ashes of the Empire
and will not rest until
Skywalker, the last of the Jedi,
has been destroyed.

With the support of the
REPUBLIC, General Leia Organa
leads a brave RESISTANCE.
She is desperate to find her
brother Luke and gain his
help in restoring peace
an justice to the galaxy.

Leia sent her most daring
pilot on a secret mission 
to Jakku, where an old ally
has discovered a clue to 
Luke's whereabouts . . . . 


Now THAT is an opening crawl, damnit!  No Trade Federations or treaties or other political jargon.  BOOM!  Luke has vanished!  The extremely Nazi-esque First Order has risen like a dark phoenix from the rubble of the severely crippled Empire.  Leia is no longer a princess, but rather a general and she's searching for Luke so that he can open up a can of Force Whup'Ass on the First Order!  Plus it sets us up to meet Poe Dameron.  What more can you ask for?  It's everything you could possible want in the Star Wars Universe condensed into three paragraphs that made me at once giddy and nostalgic.

I'm not going to go through the entire plot, but rather pick and choose some of the scenes that really resonated with me.  Again, since you're reading this, that means that you've seen it (or you just don't care about spoilers!)  So here's some of my favorite moments.

Right off the bat we're on Jakku were Poe Dameron is meeting with Lor San Tekka (which is a tiny role played by the always amazing Max Von Sydow.  Tekka is the 'old ally" referred to in the opening crawl.  He gives Poe the missing piece of a map that supposedly leads to Luke Skywalker.  All is well until Kylo Ren shows up looking for the map.  Poe beats feet to his X-Wing with everyone's favorite new droid, BB-8.  Stormtroopers blast his engines disabling him.  They capture Poe and bring him to Ren, who takes him prisoner after killing Tekka.  BB-8 escapes out into the desert.

Now this opening scene blew my mind for a few reasons:  First off, we get our first look at Kylo Ren.  He's pretty intimidating, what with his Vader-like mask and unstable looking cross-guard lightsaber.  The most insane part of the scene is when Poe first off a shot from his blaster and Ren stops the bolt mid air with The Force!  That's scorching plasma just hanging in the air through his shear will of The Force.  Holy shit!  This guys got some serious chops!

The other thing that really caught me with this scene is our introduction to Finn (or FN-1287 as we're first introduced to him as).  The raid on Jakku is his first battle and after watching a fellow Stormtrooper catch a blaster shot from Poe's X-Wing to the chest, he freezes.  His fallen comrade wipes a bloodied hand across his helmet, which for the first time in the entire series humanized a Stormtrooper.  That's some pretty powerful stuff!

Finn decides that he is not going to kill for the first order and helps Dameron escape a First Order Star Destroyer in a TIE Fighter.  The two men immediately bond (as I suppose you would when you've just escaped death together) and you know that this is going to be a strong friendship to watch throughout the rest of the trilogy.  The two have a fantastic chemistry and I'm looking forward to seeing more of their exploits!

What more could you ask for in an opening sequence?  I mean We're introduced to a pretty awesome villain.  We're introduced to two of our heroes as well as one of the cutest damn droids this side of Coruscant!  Action!  Adventure!  This Jedi craves those things!

It was interesting that the revealed as early as they did that Kylo is in fact Han & Leia's son.  There had already been so much hype, talk and speculation on the internet that you just KNEW he was going to be someone's kid.  I did think that it was really awesome that his given name is Ben Solo.  It's a perfect nod to the recently erased Expanded Universe that Disney no longer considers to be canon.  See in the EU, Ben was the name of Luke Skywalker's son (with Mara Jade in case ya didn't know).  The scene in which Han confronts Kylo/Ben on Starkiller Base was extremely powerful for me.  I knew that Han was going to die.  Hell, Harrison Ford has wanted to kill off Han since The Empire Strikes Back.  What I didn't know was how hard it was going to hit me.  The scene was masterfully shot.  The look on Han's face when Kylo runs him through with his lightsaber....not an ounce of hatred.  Only sadness and love for his son.  Before falling off the precipice that they are standing on, Han puts a hand up to Ben's face, almost comforting his son who is clearly agonized and conflicted over what he's done.  It was like a punch right in my gut.  It knocked the wind out of me and tears instantly streamed down my face.  It actually made it sort of hard to concentrate on the movie for a few moments for me.  It hurt less on the second viewing though, so that was good.

There's been a lot of talk online (and in person) where people are complaining that this is basically A New Hope version 2.0.  Well, sure it's similar but really, isn't that what Star Wars is all about?  Lucas said many years ago that each trilogy (remember this was envisioned as a twelve-parter originally) was meant to be a parallel to the others.  It's a the story of the Skywalker family and if history has taught us anything, it's that it is cyclical.

So if the Star Wars saga is meant to chronicle generations of Skywalkers, then who is the new Skywalker in this trilogy.  Well, my money is on Rey.  For a number of reasons.  First of all, her Force powers really awaken when she touches Luke's lightsaber and she has visions.  She see's Kylo and the Knights of Ren standing over what I'm assuming are the slain bodies of Luke's students.  We see a darkened hallway on Bespin.  A hooded Luke putting a hand on R2-D2.  All vague yet Skywalker-centric stuff.  Plus we now know what I suspected at the end of the film.  When Rey is standing atop to the cliff with Luke, I thought I saw recognition in his eyes.  Not for his old lightsaber, but recognition of Rey.  My theory is that Ben and Rey are cousins and will end up on polar opposite sides of The Force.

I'm not even going to get into the lightsaber fight between Finn/Rey and Kylo Ren.  It's been debated to death online already.

Captain Phasma was absolutely amazing and I can't wait to see more of her in future Episodes.  I think she's going to have a lot more to add to the story.

Supreme Leader Snoke was actually pretty damn awesome.  The running theory that he is indeed Darth Plageuis...and I'm leaning towards that as well, but time will tell!


Gore
There's actually a little of the red stuff spilling in this episode.  The aforementioned Stormtrooper who takes a full frontal blast from an X-Wing canon was definitely exsanguinating!

T&A
Sorry dude, no Slave Leia  style costumes this time around.  But Daisy Ridley could wear a garbage bag and I'd still find her hot.

Monsters
There are more monsters, aliens and creatures than you can shake a gundark at!  Seriously.  It's Star Wars!

Final Thoughts
Since everyone else is picking an order of their favorite Star Wars films, I figured I should probably do the same.  So without further adieu, I give you the Midnight Cinephile Official Star Wars Film Preference Order™:

1 - Empire Strikes Back
2 -The Force Awakens
3 - Return of the Jedi
4 - A New Hope
5 - Revenge of the Sith 
6 - Attack of the Clones
7 - The Phantom Menace

I'm sure that order of preference will probably piss off a lot of people, but hey.....it's my damn list!

Godzilla: Resurgence Possible Photo Leaks

If you are a regular reader here, I'm going to assume that you are just as much of a Godzilla fan as I am.  Likewise I will assume that you are just as excited that Toho is rebooting Big G again with Godzilla: Resurgence due out July 26th of this year.

After the success of Legendary's Godzilla film in 2014, Toho decided the time was right to revamp Big G on the domestic market.  This new Toho Godzilla has NOTHING to do with the Legendary version and is serving as a reboot for Toho's franchise.  This has me beyond excited because as much as I loved the Legendary version of Godzilla, nothing beats a Toho production.

There have been a series of photos flooding online Godzilla fan sites that are allegedly photos taken from Toho's back-lot and  leaked online.  I really hope that these are real, because I am really digging the new nightmarish version of Godzilla that Toho has dreamed up.  Let's take a look!

 The sunlight is sort of obscuring the finer details, but here we get more of a sense of Big G's look.  Check out those almost skeletal looking hands!!  At first I was a bit taken aback by them...I thought they looked kinda scrawny and weak.  However, the more I think about it, the more I really dig it.  This is a return to a nuclear monster.  He is not just an overgrown lizard, but a horrific monstrosity born of nuclear fallout and radiation.

 Better look at the detail on his chest as well as Godzilla's extremely long neck!  I've been seeing Giraffezilla jokes going around already.  I'm very curious to see how this iteration will move on screen.
I'm still loving that mouthful of sharp needle like teeth!

Very low-res, but still shows more interesting details.  It would appear that Godzilla has some pretty massive wounds, though that could just be some new and never before seen skin texturing.  The red coloring is also quite interesting and the first thing that keeps coming to mind is the glowing red patches that Godzilla sported in Godzilla vs Destoroyah.  This photo also really makes Big G look like a 118 meter tall zombie.  Which naturally makes my heart literally explode with joy.

A close-up of Godzilla's eye (the small eyes still seem a bit strange, but much like the skeletal arms and hands...they're starting to grow on me).  Also a good look at his sharp, needle-like teeth.  The tooth placement makes me think of a shark, which makes sense.  This is a predator.  This is a wild animal that is designed to be on top of the food chain.  I don't think this 'zilla is gonna be saving the Earth from other monsters.  Having said that, I can't wait to see what other monster Toho dreams up and redesigns!  I'd love to see a more horrific version of the classic kaiju!

Fantastic piece of fan art that I really hope isn't too far off from the real thing!  I mean look at this guy!  He's freaking amazing!  There is nothing that I don't love about this design.  I can't wait to see Godzilla stomp the ever loving hell out of some buildings and I can't wait to see how his atomic breath looks too!  

The teaser poster for Godzilla Resurgence!  Tiny eye staring down at us, sharp needle shark teeth at the ready.  I truly hope that Godzilla Resurgence gets released stateside relatively quickly because I swear I will fly to Japan just to watch this damn movie in July!  

Love all things Godzilla?  Stay tuned to Midnight Cinephile because in the monster leading up to Godzilla Resurgence, I'm going to go Kaiju Krazy!  We'll take a look at the 30 films that have come before this one as well as other NON-Godzilla Kaiju!  2016 is gonna be a GIANT year!

The Brain - Toothy Grey Matter

The Brain

1988

D: Ed Hunt
W: Barry Pearson
S: Tom Bresnahan,  Cynthia Preston & David Gale

Rated R - Approx 94 Minutes
Brightstar Films


Taglines:
 - The Pounding of the Afterbrain Signals Vengeance and Death!
 - Mind over Matter.


Alternate Titles:
Manipulations - France (Video Title)
Evil Mastermind - Greece
The Bed - Hungary
























"That's food for thought!"
                               -Dr. Anthony Blakely

I originally was going to start up reviews with something completely different, but I could not resist the urge to review this amazingly cheesy bit of canuxploitation.  Why, you ask?  Well, I've been wanting to see this little slice of fried gold since I first came across it in the early 90's at my local Blockbuster Video.  I would have happily rented it many a Friday night, but the damn thing was never in.  The empty case just sat on the shelf taunting me.  For those who may not remember the good ol' days of Blockbuster Video, they would keep the empty VHS (or DVD) covers on the shelf with the actual copies of the film BEHIND it in Blockbuster clamshell cases.  I'm pretty sure that The Brain sat there empty on the shelf for over three years.  Staring at me. Taunting me.  To the best of my knowledge it has never been official released on DVD here in the states (though it did get a UK release which is now out of print) and eventually it just sort of slipped out of mind (pun INTENDED) until I was going down the Amazon Prime Instant Video Rabbit Hole(™) and came across a listing for The Brain.  I wasn't sure it was the same film though because it had a really weird poster:

What in the hell is that?  First off, that dude does no appear in the movie.  Hell this still isn't even from the movie.  What does a railway worker running next to a train have to do with an alien brain hypnotizing Canadian folk?  Very odd indeed.  Had I not clicked on the poster out of sheer curiosity, I would have totally missed it!

Having said all that, The Brain was everything that I was hoping for and so much more!  Questionable acting, goofy special effects and a slimy rubber monster brain that just might be one of my all time favorite movie monsters! 

The film revolves around Dr. Anthony Blakely who hosts a show called Independent Thinkers.  Which is rather hilarious because with the help of an evil alien brain from who knows where, he hypnotizes people through the show and causes hallucinations.  Those who refuse to watch his show and those who are resistant to The Brain's hypnosis are hunted down mercilessly.  Such is the case with our hero, Jim Majelewski and his girlfriend Janet.  See Jim's parents bring him to Dr. Blakely to try and fix his rebellious behavior and the good doctor hooks him up to some electrodes and The Brain tries several times to hypnotize him, unsuccessfully.  The Brain then causes Jim to hallucinate a naked woman.  Hey, if you're gonna hallucinate, there are worse things to see!  Eventually, Jim breaks through the hallucination as well and is told to go on his way.  That's when The Brain launches it's attack on poor Jim.  As the audience we're never sure what's real and what's a hallucination as we follow Jim and Janet on the run, which I thought was kinda cool.  We're just along for the ride.

The Brain is basically an 80's overhaul of the giant brain flicks of the 50's....stuff like The Brain From Planet Arous and Fiend Without A Face.  It's 100% pure cheddar and 100% what you are looking for if you're in the mood for a fun monster flick on Friday night.  Add some pizza, booze and like minded friends and you've got the makings of a great movie night.  Show it as a double feature with another 80's-tastic monster flick like Neon Maniacs and you've got yourself a damn fine night!

Gore

As I mentioned before there are some decent gore gags here.  Decapitations, disemboweling, people getting eaten by The Brain.....all kinda goodness!

T&A

We got yer boobs right here!  Sure, they're hallucinatory boobs, but hey.....boobs are boobs!

Monsters

The Brain!  I don't know where it comes from or why exactly it's here, but it starts out the size of a dog and grows to the size of a pick-up truck by the end of the movie.  See, it grows every time it eats someone.  The monster is a giant rubber/latex beast with weird unblinking eyes and giant gnashing teeth.  In short.....it's awesome.

Final Thoughts



It's a strange thing watching a film that you've wanted to see for damn near thirty years!  Often times you're only setting yourself up for disappointment, but in this case, I was quite pleasantly surprised by how much I dug the film!  What more can you ask for?!

It's 2016! New Year, Different Cinephile.

Greetings Friends!

Your eyes deceive you not, 'tis I!  Your friendly neighborhood Cinephile!  I have returned from my cinematic slumbers ready to face the new year with a sense of wonder and awe.

As you know, I announced that I was going to be taking a break in November.  I had become disenchanted with writing about movies for a bit.  I needed a little bit of time to step away and find my passion again.  I had started to spread myself a bit thin and took on too many projects and I burnt my candle at both ends.  I am happy to report however, that I've got several new candles and I'm ready and refreshed burn a little midnight oil while bringing you quality film & television reviews as well as opinion pieces, editorials, interviews, news and more.

You will also notice that I will be reviewing and talking about a wider variety of films and television as well.  Because as much as I love horror, sci-fi & fantasy, I also love other genres and types of films as well.  For instance, did you know that I am a huge fan of classic cinema?  True story.  I am deeply in love with Greta Garbo and Betty Grable.  I wish Cary Grant and Jimmy Stewart were my best friends.  We're going to be talking a lot more about the classics here at MC.

Yes, you can expect a much wider variety of content here on Midnight Cinephile in the coming year and beyond.  I have rekindled my love of cinema and I can't wait to talk to you all about it!  A Movies, B Movies all the way down to Z Movies.  Horror, Sci-Fi, Fantasy, Comedy, Drama, Action, Adventure.....it's all going to be here.....so stay tuned!

Happy New Years!

Cheers!

-Matt

Tales From Beyond The Pale - Food Chain

Okay, okay....

So I know I said that I was taking a break from Midnight Cinephile for a while, but something has come up that I just had to break silence for:


My good friend April Snellings (whom I'm sure you know from her work at Rue Morgue Magazine and also as 2014's Special Guest for the Halloween Midnight Cinephile Special Podcast) has written an episode for Tales From Beyond The Pale, entitled Food Chain.


What's Tales From Beyond The Pale you ask?  It is a series half hour radio plays created/produced by Larry Fessenden of Glass Eye Pix.  April was asked to pen and episode for Season 3 and oh man has she delivered!  I immediately downloaded the episode and let it seep into my ear holes.


The story involves four good ol' boy hunters who are hired to hunt a very particular hairy beast haunting the woods.  Obviously we're talking Bigfoot here, but I will not divulge anything further because this story is just so damn fun.  All the voice actors (Including Fessenden and Sean Young) are top notch.  The dialog is crisp and hilarious and works in perfect tandem with the epically awesome gross out scenes. 


I actually listened to this twice in a row because I enjoyed it so damn much!  It also gave me a hankering for more Bigfoot related entertainment.  Maybe some Boggy Creek is in order.....




I truly hope that April is able to write more episodes.  She is a truly gifted writer and I can't wait to hear what she comes up with next!


You can download Food Chain on Amazon, iTunes or direct from the Tales From Beyond The Pale website!

What Now?

Hello Constant Reader,

As you are more than well aware, Midnight Cinephile has lost quite a bit of steam this year.  It's a bit complicated, but I've found myself drifting away from constantly droning on about movies that only (and precious few others) seem to care about.

I've tried various methods to make Midnight Cinephile a more interactive place and I can't seem to inspire much conversation among the few readers that I have.  It's become clear that I'm going about this whole thing wrong and it's taken the wind out of my sails.

I am not shutting Midnight Cinephile down, but I don't think I will be generating any new content for a little while.  I hope that those of you who do come here on a regular basis will continue to check in every now and then....maybe read some old articles until I figure out what to do with everything.

I would like to thank all of you who come here and read my bizarre little love letters to bizarre cinema.  I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season and I will see you all soon.



Much love,
Matt

Metroid: The Sky Calls - Samus Aran Gets Gritty

If, like me, you grew up in the golden age of video games, playing 8-Bit classics such as Metroid, then undoubtedly you thought more than once "Man, this would me such an awesome movie!"  Then the Super Mario Bros movie happened and pretty much but the kibosh on future Nintendo films.  Fans have been clamoring for feature film versions of classic video games since and the attempts that Hollywood has made at creating good video game themed movies has been quite dismal.

Enter Rainfall films, the three man operation who was behind the epic Legend of Zelda trailer that IGN used as a prank for April Fools Day several years ago.  Metroid: The Sky Calls is an eleven minute short that is based on the classic Nintendo franchise.  Though it is based on the games series, the short itself does not take any story cues from the games.  Instead it uses the established universe created by the franchise and tells a new story.

Nerd extraordinaire Jessica Chobot plays Samus as she investigates a strange signal that may lead her to discover what happened to the race of beings that raised her as a child.  She does an outstanding job, I thought.  A good portion of the film is CGI, with her role relegated mostly to head shots inside her helmet (think Robert Downey Jr. in Iron Man) but I think she's got the stuff to carry the character for a feature film.

The film perfectly emulates the dark sci-fi of the 70's - especially films like Alien and 2001, while still perfectly encapsulating the look and feel of the Metroid universe.  This was actually not a stretch because Metroid was in fact designed to emulate those films to begin with.  There is a palpable sense of desolation and isolation.

Back in August, Nintendo expressed interest in expanding their brand beyond video games and possibly allowing their IP's to be used in official movies again (The Sky Calls is an unofficial fan film).  If they are serious, then they should sit up and take notice.  There is so much love and care that was put into this short.  My only complaint is that it was not longer.  I really got sucked into the micro-story and wanted to know more about what happened at the end.

Check out the film below and let me hear your thoughts on it!

Embryo - They Grow Up So Fast, Don't They?

Embryo
1976
D: Ralph Nelson
W: Anita Doohan & Jack W. Thomas 

S: Rock Hudson, Barbara Carrera, Diane Ladd
Rated PG - Approx 104 Minutes
Plura Service Company/Sandy Howard Productions

Taglines:
 - From Embryo to woman in 4 and a half weeks.

Alternate Titles:
Embryo Lethal - Spain
The Devil's Workshop - Greece
The Brood of Evil - West Germany
Fetus - Turkey
Created To Kill - USA Alternative Title

"You let me win!  Nobody lets me win!!!"
                                                                -Frank Riley


I'm not exactly sure when it happened, but at a certain point in the late 60's/early 70's filmmakers seemed to feel a need to legitimize their science fiction and horror films.  More and more often you would find a preamble to the film, talking about the very real nature of the film's subject matter.  Take for example today's film:  Embryo.  Before we even get started we're met with some preambled text that reads:

THE FILM YOU ARE ABOUT THE SEE IS NOT ALL SCIENCE FICTION.  IT IS BASED UPON MEDICAL TECHNOLOGY WHICH CURRENTLY EXISTS FOR FETAL GROWTH OUTSIDE THE WOMB.

IT COULD BE A POSSIBILITY TOMORROW....OR TODAY.

                                                                                              CHARLES R. BRINKMAN III  M.D.


That's a bit on the heavy handed side, which makes the film that follows all the more difficult to watch.  The film takes itself WAY to seriously and tries to pass itself off as serious hard Sci-Fi.  Had director Ralph Nelson shot this as the B-Movie that it is, I think the results would have been much more enjoyable.  That's not to say that I didn't enjoy the film...or at least parts of it.

Rock Hudson (McMillan & Wife, Dynasty, The Martian Chronicles) plays scientist Paul Holliston. One rainy night he hits a pregnant dog with his car.  He scoops her up and brings her back to his basement lab (He's sorta a mad scientist, I guess) to try and save her life.  When he realizes that the poor pooch can't be saved he does his best to save her pups by extracting them from her womb and putting them in vats of.....erm.....stuff...to let them continue to grow.  Of the four pups, only one survives.  The dog grows from pup to adulthood in a matter of weeks and Holliston then decides that he needs to try again, this time with a human fetus.  What a great idea!  Not.

And so, procuring a viable fetus through legal, yet morally ambiguous means, he begins the experiment anew and....um...grows a baby girl who grows into the lusciously beautiful Victoria Spencer (played by Bond Girl, Barbara Carrera).  Not only is does Victoria grow rapidly into a full grown woman, but she is also incredibly intelligent.....and homicidal as it turns out.  Hey, two out of three ain't bad.

Embryo is a very talky movie and as such it makes for some tedious viewing.  HOWEVER, if you're committed enough to plug your way through the film then you will be rewarded with some fun little tidbits such as the scene where the now fully grown Doberman pup (who also possesses highly evolved intelligence) is waiting in the car for her master.  She spies a small little dog (I dunno what it was a Yorkshire, maybe?), opens the car door and proceeds to grab the dog in her mouth and shake the life out of it.  She then hides the tiny dog's body in some shrubs, jumps back in the car and closes the door!  Aside from the homicidal tendencies, that's a pretty neat pooch!

Also be on the lookout for Roddy McDowall as chess expert Frank Riley.  He takes on Victoria in a chess game and when she (quite obviously) lets him win, he completely loses his shit and storms out screaming "YOU LET ME WIN!  NOBODY LET'S ME WIN!"  It was a pretty amusing moment!

There are some other fun moments, but I'm not going to spoil them all.  If ya wanna find them, ya gotta put in the time and watch the flick!  I'm such a bastard, aren't I?

Need further incentive?  Oh fine.  Barbara Carrera also has a nude scene.  If that isn't incentive enough to watch, then I dunno what to tell ya!

GORE
There's a little bit 'o blood....but not much.

T&A
Barbara Carrera.  Naked.  You're welcome.

MONSTERS
Well, if homicidal, genetically modified and grown dogs and people count as monsters........

FINAL THOUGHTS
Like I said before, this one can be a bit rough to get through.  I don't recommend watching it alone unless your a hardcore b movie junkie like myself.  There's a lot of talk and a lot of filler, but there are the aforementioned bits that I think make the film worth seeing.  Also, you would never guess it by the rest of the film, but the ending is pretty nuts and totally took me by surprise!  I would go so far as to say that the end actually made up for the boring parts of the rest.
If you've got some like minded friends and wanna have a MST3K-Fest....this would be a perfect film to use.  If you're a b movie junkie......have at it!

Midnight Cinephile Podcast Episode VIII - Tribute to Wes Craven

Episode VIII is here and this time the boys and I pay tribute to the late maestro, Wes Craven.

So grab a cocktail and make yourself comfortable!






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