ABC's of Death 2 - 26 MORE Ways for Die Violently

ABC's of Death 2
2014
Bunch of Directors, Writers and Actors
Not Rated - Approx 124 Min
Drafthouse Films/Magnet Releasing
aka Death Alphabet 2


Some People Never Learn











It's not easy to review an anthology film.  There's usually a couple good segments and one weak link in the grouping.  That's all fine and well when you've got three to five stories that make up the sum, however when you've got 26 segments to get through, it's more like a filmfest than a film in it's own right.  It's like a cinematic centipede and so I will review it as such, taking it letter by letter.  So right off the bat, there are spoilers if you haven't seen the film before in that I'm gonna tell you what word each letter stands for.  So if you don't wanna know and want to play the "What word is being represented" game as you watch....come back after you've seen it.

Okay, good you're still here!  Since I have retired the pizza roll rating system, I will not rate each individual short either....let's just things flow naturally.

A is for Amateur - A good start, Amateur follows the exploits of an amateur assassin.  We first go through his vision of how the plan should be executed and then we follow along as he carries out his death mission.  As you can guess, being an amateur things do NOT go well for him. 

B is for Badger - Fun but dumb.  Found Footage/Cinéma Vérité is the order of the day here as we join in on what I guess is a news report shoot (or maybe a documentary) about badgers being driven from their home near a nuclear facility.  Guess what.  The badgers are still home.  It's goofy and has a nice gore gag but it could have done more.

C is for Capital Punishment - The actors chew up the scenery in this one.  A man is convicted by his neighbors of killing a neighborhood girls and sentenced to death and brought out to the woods to be executed.  I saw the twist coming a mile away, but that's fine.  The gore was a decent mix of practical and CG and was quite visceral.

Capital Punishment is ROUGH!

D is for Deloused - One of my absolute favorites.  This stop motion short was dark, disturbing with balls out gore, yet still brought to mind the artistry of The Brothers Quay and other such masters of stop motion.  I am not even going to attempt a plot synopsis because this is more stream of consciousness horror.  I'll never look at insects the same way again.

Think this is messed up?  You ain't seen nuthin' yet in D is for Deloused!

E is for Equilibrium - One of the weakest entries.  The short follows two castaways on a beach.  They seem to be getting along fine eating fish and making simple tools from wood and rock.  A woman washes up on the beach and causes a rift between them.  This is played more for laughs than terror, but the laughs fall pretty short.  There is no dialog, which is fine.  The two castaways sport beards that are SO fake looking it's distracting.  I've seen better fake facial hair on Saturday Night Live skits.  All in all a pretty misogynistic affair.

F is for Falling - This one started out promising but really didn't seem to end up going anywhere.  The actors were both fine and the cinematography was rather good as well.  Unfortunately it just didn't really pay off.  A female soldier gets caught in a tree after (I guess) parachuting into enemy territory.  She tries to outwit her soon to be captor, but things go awry.

G is for Grandad - A strange entry that was extremely frustrating because it had potential to do something really wild but instead just sort of lingered in a twilight zone sort of place.  That's not necessarily a BAD thing, it was just very disappointing to see what could have been.  A man and his grandfather don't quite see eye to eye and things get a bit messy.  Plus you see geriatric penis, which I could have done without.

H is for Head Games -  Another bit of animation, this time hand drawn, this is Bill Plympton taking his bizarre styling to a gory and disturbing place.  No dialog, no plot....just three minutes of acid trip animation that would have been at home as late night filler material on cable TV back in the 80's and 90's between movies or TV shows.

I is for Invincible - A group of despicable characters are waiting to gain their inheritance from the matriarch of the family.  The only problem is the old woman won't die no matter what they do to her.  This one was fun and was heavier on the horror aspect than some of the others, with good make-up effects.  Could have been a little shorter though.

K is for Knell - Man oh man.  I don't even know what to say about this one.  It's just pure fever dream logic from start to finish with no real explanation of what we're seeing.  There's a strange object over an apartment building where men are murdering their wives and girlfriends as a woman looks on from a neighboring building.  Then.....some other stuff happens.  I've got no idea what the hell was going on but it was a bit unsettling so I would say it did it's job well!

L is for Legacy - Another of the weak entries.  A man is prophesied to be a threat to his fathers village and is sentenced to death.  The priest in charge of his execution releases him, believing that his mother faked the prophesy to dispose of him and take over the village.  The man then turns into a monster and kills a bunch of people. The monster is pretty tacky.  If it was presented on Face Off as a final make up job, the artist would be sent home.  The blood is fairly poor CG and I hate to sound this negative....especially on anything with a monster....but DAMN!

Glenn Hetrick would tear this monster up!

M is for Masticate - Most of the short takes place in slow motion and called to mind the beginning of Zombieland.  Here we have a large hairy dude with freaky blue eyes running in his underwear and his socks through the streets....things get bloody from there.  The short ends with a comedy punch.  It's rather amusing and well done.

Nom nom nom nom nom

N is for Nexus - A strange entry that would feel right at home in something like Tales from the Darkside.  A man dresses up like Frankenstein for Halloween and heads out to meet his girlfriend who is dressed as The Bride of Frankenstein.  As you might guess, a string of incidents lead to a horrible and tragic conclusion.

There is something so "Monster Kid" about watching Frankenstein ride a bike.

O is for Ochlocracy - Ochlocracy means mob rule.  This is an interesting little segment in which zombies regain their sentience and put surviving humans on trial for killing zombies during their uprising.  At first it was a bit confusing but once I figured out what was going on, I found it quite intriguing.

P is for P-P-P-P SCARY! - First of all, this is completely played for comedic effect.  Secondly, it completely fails on that front.  Third......P-P-P-P SCARY?????  I shook my head through out the entire thing....yet I can't say that I hated it.....but at the same time I think I can say with a fair amount of certainty that this is the worst of the shorts.  Dream logic rules this short as three men who all have terrible stutters as they fumble through a completely black void.  They come across a man holding a baby and shit just goes sideways from there.

Q is for Questionnaire - Another short that has a great idea behind it, but ultimately was fairly lackluster.  A man is being given a questionnaire with the sort of logic questions that people post on Facebook stating "If you're smart you'll figure it out....don't tell anyone the answer!"  And then off course forty-six asshats immediately post the answer in the comments.  I digress.  As the man works out the answers to the questions graphic scenes of brain surgery are interspersed.  The "twist" ending wasn't exactly a twist.....

R is for Roulette -  I enjoyed this one quite a bit.  Three people (two men and a woman) are playing a game of Russian Roulette.  There is genuine tension to be found here as the odds increasingly stack up with each successive turn.  The acting is great and the cinematography is a crisp black and white which adds to the unsettling atmosphere.  One of the highlights of the film.

S is for Split -  This is probably the most unsettling of the shorts, depicting a home invasion as experienced by the victim (a woman) and her husband who is on the phone with her while on a business trip to France.  The short plays out with multiple scenes on screen at the same time (sorta like what they do on 24 when a bunch of stuff is happening at once) and it's quite effective.  The end is a surprise little punch.

T is for Torture Porn - The best way that I can describe this is a cross between Lovecraft and Japanesse Hentai gone wrong by way of the Soska Sisters (who just so happen to be the creators of this segment!).  This was a quick, gory bit with some great gore gag effects.  A young woman is at the mercy of sleazy porn producers (one of which is played by Astron 6's Connor Sweeney!) or so it would seem.  As in most of the shorts, shit gets bad real fast for most everyone involved.

U is for Utopia - A well made short that calls to mind films such as Logan's Run.  A very dystopian look at what utopia would be like.  Hint -  It doesn't pay to be outside the beautiful and perfect crowd.  No real plot to speak of, the short feels more like a deleted scene from some unreleased sci-fi thriller.  That's meant as a compliment.

V is for Vacation - HOLY MISOGYNY BATMAN!  This is another of the weak shorts.  Sure there's some gore in it, but the two main characters are such unimaginable douche bags that you're happy to see them get their comeuppance.  Basically two guys go on a tropical "Guys Getaway".  On of the Bros video calls his girlfriend and lies about them chilling and drinking a few beers.  His even douchier friend then blows the whistle grabs the phone and shows her that they've been doing hard drugs and banging prostitutes.  Then, no surprise, bad stuff happens.

W is for Wish - Hands down the BEST short.  The short starts with a mock commercial for a line of toys called Champions of Zorb (like a cosmic version of He-Man) and two kids wishing that they could be part of that universe.  They are immediately sucked into the realm of Zorb and find that the reality of their fantasy war is brutal and gory as they are captured and meet the villain in the flesh.  I would love to see this turned into a full length feature because there is just so much awesomeness to take in!  This short makes sitting through the weak ones well worth it!  I watched it about 5 times in a row.  Highly recommended!

I want Champions of Zorb toys for Christmas

 

I was WRONG!!!! 

  X is for Xylophone - Predictable, but still well made.  A woman sits and reads the newspaper as some old timey music plays on a phonograph.  She is rather goth looking.  A young girl wearing a play set of fairy wings sits on the floor in front of her banging away on a toy xylophone.  The noise is clearly starting to bother the woman.  When the child's parents come home they will see just how much.  Nothing really outstanding in this short, but there are some good visuals.

Y is for Youth - Japanese Bizarro Cinema in short form.  A young teen imagines outlandish body horrors befalling her parents for the wrongs.  Among the visual delights are a giant carnivorous hamburger trying to eat the mother....shooting french fries from it's mouth like poison darts.  Also her mother's transformation into a dog is perhaps one of the most disturbing person to animal transformations I have ever seen.  Watching a guitar neck grow out of her father's mouth recalls films like the Tetsuo series.  Another high point in the film.

Z is for Zygote - More body horror as a woman with abandonment issues refuses to allow her baby to be born after her husband leaves her.  Thirteen years later and she is only able to crawl on the floor while her thirteen year old child remains in her womb....and holds conversations with it's mother.  What happens from there is something I don't think I've ever seen before....and that's saying something!


So there you go!  26 mini-reviews!  Sorta makes up for the fact that I haven't been around much in the past couple months, doesn't it?  WELL DOESN'T IT?  Sorry....sorry......I know I've been neglectful of my poor old blog and my podcast.  Fear not faithful readers, The Midnight Cinephilie WILL return to former glory soon. 

 Let's run the stats, shall we?

GORE:
There is a metric shit ton of gore in this flick.  Pretty much every kind of bodily fluid flows at least once. 

T&A
I think that there is less nudity this time around.  Most shorts go for the blood but neglect the boobs. 

MONSTERS
More monsters than you can shake a stick at.  Some are unseen, some merely suggested, some shown briefly and some are in your face.  Some are silly and some are terrifying.  At the end of the day, you're still getting a butt-load of monsters.

Final Thoughts
It's been quite a while since I've watched the first ABC's of Death, but I was a little let down by this one.  I thought that being the second in the (I assume) series, they would really go for it.  Some of the shorts do.  D is for Delousing and W is for Wish are definitely examples of where the filmmakers went for it....but then you also get stuff like E is for Equilibrium  and P is for P-P-P-P SCARY! that really makes you wonder how those shorts were selected over others.  I mean seriously.  There was NOTHING better in the P category?  The best short they had in their E selections was an SNL sketch?  What the hell, man?

Let's be honest.....26 shorts in 124 minutes is a bit exhausting.  I would say that a little over half (I'm being liberal here) of the shorts were worth watching.  That means that the next time I put this blu ray in, instead of letting the film run through, I'm going to have to just hen peck my way through to watch the decent shorts.  That sucks.  Let's be a bit more judicious in our selections for ABC's 3, shall we?

TV Terrors: Tales From The Darkside - The Milkman Cometh

It's been a long time since I've reviewed any television episodes.  As a matter of fact the last time was July 12, 2013 when I reviewed The Twilight Zone's classic episode The Invaders!  I think it's time I give some love to the terror tube, considering how much vintage horror/sci-fi/fantasy TV I've been watching lately!  So tonight we're going to take a look at one of it's less talked about episodes:  The Milkman Cometh.  I haven't seen this particular episode probably since it first aired back in the 80's, so it was really quite fun to view it with a fresh pair of eyes.  It was especially fun, as always to see actors that you're familiar with in shows like this. 


The episode revolves around The Cooley Family.  There's the father, Garry (Robert Forster), mother, Ruth (Shannon Wilcox) and son, Sandy (Chad Allen).  One night as Ruth is ironing and Garry is working on his newest ad pitch (apparently he's in marketing), Sandy comes home and asks if he can have a birthday present early because he seems to have lost his watch.  When Ruth replies that he will just have to wait and try looking for his watch, Sandy replies that he'll just ask The Milkman.

 Confused (naturally) Ruth asks him what The Milkman has to do with anything.  Sandy goes on to inform his parents that all over the neighborhood, people are asking The Milkman for things by leaving notes for him in their milk boxes the night before delivery.  Sure enough Ruth scoffs at the idea.  Garry tells his son that he'll buy him a new watch the next day if he still hasn't found it.



Later that night, we see Gary writing a note to The Milkman and putting it out in the milk delivery box.  In the morning, sure as lactose intolerant go-go dancing midgets love chocolate, Sandy has a new watch!  As the episode continues on, we learn that most of the men in the neighborhood are aware of The Milkman's gift giving.  Friends of the family Howard and Edna are over for dinner one night and Howard starts to spill the beans about it.  Garry sends the women to the kitchen and starts to reprimand Howard, until he finds out that Edna knows the deal.  Apparently, Howard has been asking for a new car every week for about two months and the old "I won it in a contest" excuse was running a bit thin.

Everything seems to be going swell for the Cooley's.  Garry's got money coming in (from The Milkman) as well as a ton of great ideas for his novel.  He and Ruth are even expecting the baby girl that they've always wanted.  Ruth is getting a bit suspicious of her husband however and starts to question him about The Milkman.  Garry's been drinking more lately and is a lot more on edge.  One day as he's working on his novel, Howard comes to visit and tells him that Edna is dead.  She died in a car wreck while driving one of his newly won cars. 

I won't spoil the whole thing for you, and will leave off the plot synopsis there.  There's a fun twist to the whole thing and while it's a bit of a slow burn episode, it does have a fun kick at the end that makes it all worth it. 

As I mentioned before, it was fun to see some actors that I recognized.  First of all, there's Robert Forster, whom you may know from a good many different films and shows.  He's been shows like Banyan, Jake & The Fatman and of course Police Story as well as films like Jackie Brown, SuperNova & Me, Myself & Irene!  Even if after looking through these six examples he's not ringing a bell, once you see him you'll go "OH YEAH!  THAT GUY!".


Chad Allen was a popular child star in the 80's, appearing in the show Webster as one of Webster's friends, though I'm sure most people will recognize him more from his roles in St. Elsewhere and Our House.  Though if you're reading this then you're like me and you know him best as Sherman in TerrorVision!  Hell yeah!

Though this was a "slower" episode so to speak, it still had that fantastic Tales from the Darkside vibe that most of the shows carried with them.  To be perfectly honest, this almost felt like it early Stephen King at times, though this episode was penned by Charles L. Grant and Donald Wollner.  Mr. Grant having been a former president and trustee of the Horror Writers Association....so that's gotta count for something!


This episode was directed by John Strysik.  Mr. Strysik has not directed a lot of other shows or films, but what he has directed is quite notable:  Six episodes of Tales from the Darkside, one episode of Monsters, three episodes of Land of the Lost as well as several other features.  Most interestingly, a short film in 1980 based on H.P. Lovecraft's The Music of Erich Zann, which I am now on a quest to find and watch!

The Milkman Cometh first aired on January 25, 1987 and is Episode #13 on Season 3. 

*Due to some technical difficulties, I do not have any screen captures of my own right now, so I was at the mercy of the internet to find some screen caps.  Please do forgive me this one time.  I will go back and reinsert my own screencaps at the closest convenience! 

The Disappearance of Flight 412 - UFO Shadow Ops

The Disappearance of Flight 412
1974
D: Jud Taylor
W: George Simpson & Neal R. Burger

S: Glenn Ford, Bradford Dillman & David Soul
Not Rated - Approx 72 Min.
Cine Films/Cinemobile Productions



Taglines:
 - If One Tenth Of 1% Of UFO Sightings Are Real, Flight 412 Found It...



Alternate Titles:
Az eltűnt járat rejtélye - (Mystery of the Missing Flight) Hungary






"You want me to keep quiet?  Then give me an order.  I WANT AN ORDER!"
                                                                         - Capt. Roy Bishop

Aliens.  UFO's.  If you've read Midnight Cinephile for any length of time you know that I have a love/hate relationship with them.  Actually it's more of a fascination/terror kind of thing.  On one hand the thought that we could be alone in the universe is a deeply depressing thought.  What a waste of space....literally.  In an ever expanding universe that is, quite frankly, bigger than any of us realize, it's a deeply troubling thought that there is no one else out there.  From what we can see in our little drop of water in the ocean of space, it's a beautiful place full of wonder and beauty.  What good is all that wonder and beauty if there is no one there to appreciate it.

Everyone drinks coffee while they're watching radar!  

See those three blips in the upper left?  Thems UFO'S!

On the flip side of the coin is the utterly terrifying notion that we are NOT alone.  That there are other planets out there with life completely unlike our own.  That really boils down to the basics, doesn't it?  We fear the unknown.  We fear what we cannot and do not understand.  Are they friendly?  Are they hostile?  I guess we'll never know that until we get full disclosure on the subject.

That brings me to another aspect of the whole alien/UFO enigma:  Goverment Cover-Ups.  Area 51.  Roswell.  MiB,  The Battle of Los Angeles in 1942.  Eisenhower's 1954 Extraterrestrial Meeting.  There are so many more incidents that are now infamous, yet we still do not know the truth about them.  Is the government concealing and covering up the truth about aliens?  Why?  Is it to protect us or are there more sinister motivations at play?

"I can't believe what I'm hearing!"

This is a typical scene.  Lots of phone calls and people standing around.

I could go on all day long about aliens, UFO's, government conspiracies and the such, but you didn't come here for that.  You came here to hear about a little made for TV flick called The Disappearance of Flight 412.

The film starts us off with a photograph of a UFO.  The narrator informs us that people have been viewing and photographing UFO's for years.  Thousands of people all testifying to seeing these bizarre craft in our skies.  Some turn out to be hoaxes....but if even one out of all the thousands of reports turns out to be real.....that is still one very real UFO.

"So, the jet's just disappeared, eh?  I saw David Copperfield do that trick before..."

This is Trottman.  He's a dick.

The film takes an almost documentary style approach.  We are introduced to Colonel Pete Moore who is heading up the Whitney Radar Test Group.  They've been experiencing some technical difficulties lately and so he sends a crew of four men, led by Captain Roy Bishop out on a test flight mission.  Flight 412 detects three anomalous blips on their radar and two fighter jets are scrambled to intercept.  The jets vanish right before the crew's eyes. So technically, it's really not the vanishing of Flight 412....but that's neither here nor there.

After the jets vanish, Flight 412 is ordered to land by a top secret military controlled organization who are basically a shadow op that is trying to keep a lid on UFO activity.  The crew lands and they are split into twos and  detained in separate rooms.  Digger Control is housed in a dilapidated complex, which struck me as pretty strange.  Sure, it looks nondescript from the outside and you certainly wouldn't guess that there's a shadow op going on there....but this place is literally falling apart at the seems.  It looks like it's been abandoned for 30 years before they moved in.  Very odd.

Colonel Moore is being kept out of the loop on the status of his men and so along with Major Dunning, he seeks out the operation and goes to get his men back.  We learn that Digger Control is run by a Lt. Col. Trottman.  Apparently no one except the grunts wear any kind of uniforms on this base...they're all decked out in 70's-tastic plaid and sunglasses.  At night.  Inside a broken down building.  Bunch of weirdos.

Colonel Moore and Major Dunning to the rescue!

After sitting around Digger Control for 18 hours, it's time to head home.

Anywhoo, as the Colonel and Major are kept waiting, Trottman and his team continue their "debriefing" of the crew of Flight 412.  Essentially breaking them down little by little, making them question their own integrity and such.  You know....typical shadow op stuff.  Jerks.  At one point Captain Bishop tries to make a break for the aircraft to radio the Colonel but gets caught and sent back to his room.  Close but no cigar, buddy.

What's especially interesting about the film is the fact that other than the photograph of the UFO shown at the beginning of the film (which is just a random photo and not one of the craft that Flight 412 encountered) we never see and extraterrestrial aircraft.  All we see are three blips on the radar screen, but you know....that's enough.  They still manage to soak tension out of the whole sequence.  After the jet fighters vanish and Flight 412 lands, it becomes more of a shadow op thriller.

GORE
Not one single solitary drop of blood.

T&A
Negative, good buddy.

MONSTERS
Nuh-uh.  Unless you wanna count the radar blips, which represent UFO's which may or may not be piloted by beings from another planet.

FINAL THOUGHTS
This is not, I repeat NOT and action flick.  While it's not explicitly based off of any particular real life incident, you can find similar happens all over the place if you do a little research into UFO's.  There have been many accounts of airplane pilots reporting strange objects in the sky.  Personally, I found the whole film to be fascinating.  If you're serious about UFO films then you may very well enjoy it as well.  This is more of a rainy afternoon movie than a late night romp.

VIDEO CLIP:
Flight 412 encounters something unexplained.

Crater Lake Monster - Plesiosaur Pandemonium

The Crater Lake Monster
1977
D: William R. Stromberg
W: William R. Stromberg &Richard Cardella 

S: Richard Cardella, Glen Roberts & Mark Siegel 
Rated PG - Approx 85 Min.
Crown International Pictures



Taglines:
 - A beast more frightening than your most terrifying nightmare!



Alternate Titles:
Το τέρας της λίμνης (The Monster of the Lake)  Greece






"Artie....my shoes hurt."
                                 - Mitch

For as long as man has been around, there have been stories of monsters.  Stories of large hairy beasts that bridge the link between man and ape.  Stories of giant Thunderbirds who could swoop out of the sky and steal animals and children.  And of course, the stories of lake monsters.  Perhaps the most famous lake monster is of course, Nessie (better known as The Loch Ness Monster).  Many people think that Nessie is a modern myth, but in fact sightings date back as far as the 6th Century.

Woah!  Cavemen killed the dinosaurs?!

That there is a meteorite.  

I mention this because as The Crater Lake Monster begins we join a scientific team who have discovered a cave painting depicting cavemen fighting a dinosaur.  Unfortunately as they are examining the ancient cave art, a meteorite lands in Crater Lake which causes the cave to become unstable and collapse.  Luckily our scientific friends get out in time.  Unluckily, the meteorite has awakened something in the lake.  I don't think it's really a spoiler to let the dino out of the bag and just tell you up front it's a plesiosaurus......just like Nessie!

The film follows the monster on the loose formula to the T.  A few suspicious disappearances followed by the later discovery of the corpses.  A few reports of a monster running rampant are disbelieved by the sheriff until he himself runs smack dab into it.  There are some fantastic moments of cinematic cheddar, such as the conversation Sheriff Hanson and Doc Calkins have on a boat while divers are searching for the meteorite.  The dialog is straight out of a 50's monster flick with lines such as "After what I saw in that cave, the scientific community will have to change many of it's theories!" and other such vague and scientifically nonsensical bits.  The acting fits the dialog like a glove as well.

Sheriff Hanson

Best cheesy dialog in the whole film

There's also the comic relief duo Artie and Mitch...a couple of local yokels who rent boats on Crater Lake.  They're your classic Abbott & Costello or Laurel & Hardy duo....though neither one of them is really the straight man.  They're both a pair of bumbling idiots, but I found them quite endearing.

And then there's the monster.  Most of the time we get a nicely animated stop motion creature, while the close-ups of it's head us a giant puppet head.....again lending itself quite nicely to the 50's monster vibe.  The creature is not "over shown" nor is it hidden until the very end of the film....this is one of the few films that I think really gets the monster ratio right.

Artie & Mitch:  Hillbilly Yucksters.  

He just wanted to HEAD out onto the lake.  Get it?  GET IT?  

Gore:
There's not a ton of blood, but the blood we get is of the Cherry Kool-Aid variety.  Very watery and a funky bright red color.  We do get a pretty nifty severed head too, which was sort of surprising considering the film's PG rating!

T&A:
Nope.  Sorry boys.  Monsters killin' people is gonna have to suffice on this one.

Monsters:
One big-ass fresh water Plesiosaur!

That's enough to make your sphincter tighten!

Final Thoughts:
I really had a lot of fun with this one.  It's a great flick for a rainy or a (I'm my case) snowy afternoon.  Nice cup of hot chocolate and perhaps a donut.  It's a heck of a lot of fun.  If you like monster flicks then give it a shot.

VIDEO CLIP:
The Sheriff takes on the monster in a tractor!

A Personal Message To My Readers.

I know that I've been MIA for quite some time.  I promise that things will resume normalcy again.  I have been debating whether or not I was going to write about  what's been going on and I've decided that it can't hurt.  Perhaps it will help me to deal with the current situation that I and my family regrettably find ourselves in.

As you may or may not know, my mother in law has cancer and has been fighting the battle for over two years now.  There have been ups and downs, good days and bad.  For a while it looked as though things were in an upswing with no signs of the cancer returning after a couple of surgeries.  Unfortunately, the cancer returned and more growths were found. More chemo-therapy.  More radiation.  She got weaker, she'd get a little better and then something new would crop up.

As you know, back in August I had an incident in which I was very nearly shot in head when a gunfight broke out across the street from my condo and a bullet came through my living room wall mere inches from my head.  After that, the Mrs. and I packed up and we moved up to New Hampshire and converted her parent's basement into an in-law apartment.  I never would have imagined what a blessing in disguise that move was.

October saw my mother in law getting worse.  A new symptom appeared:  A mysterious pain in her side cropped up after her last round of radiation.  Doctors were unable to explain it, and we were put into a holding pattern, waiting for a PET scan to see if there were more growths that were forming outside of the radiation zones.  For weeks she put on her bravest face and went about each day as best she could, while in constant pain.

The pain would seem to get worse and then better and then back to worse than ever.  No medications seemed to be able to touch the pain.  Some of the pain meds made her ill, some gave her strange side effects and it became a nightmare for her to try to new medications.  It was so frustrating as pill after pill failed to make her feel better. She would grow more and more tired as the days and weeks wore on.

Two and a half weeks ago, she was rushed to the Emergency Room with chest pain radiating into her arm.  After hours in the hospital they concluded that it was not cardiac.  There was, indeed another growth inside her ribs yet outside her lungs.  The chest pain dissipated after a few hours, but the arm pain remained.  She stayed in the ICU for four days while doctors tried to figure out what was going on.

When she came home from the hospital, she was noticeably drained.  She spent most of her time in bed, only emerging every now and then to sit on the loveseat in the living room for about 20 minutes before going back into the bedroom.  The arm pain continued for a few days and then went back into her chest and her back.  Then the pain started to manifest itself into her jaw.  Pain so intense that all she could to was shake violently and moan.  Visiting nurses, calls to the doctor....nothing helped.  She got weaker.  She got nauseous on a regular basis.  She hadn't eaten in four days.  Here speech was mumbled and garbled.  She started to have hallucinations.  "It's because of the cancer" was the answer we would constantly receive.

Last week she was again rushed to the emergency room at four in the morning.  We believed she was having a stroke.  She was unable to move the left side of her body.  She was unable to talk and there was a very noticeable facial droop.  All sure-fire signs of a stroke.  Not to mention the fact the she suffered a stroke two years before as well.

Once at the hospital, it was determined that her kidneys were failing and she was septic. She has a blood infection.  She was intubated and sedated and has been ever since.  She is unable to breath on her own.  She is unable to regulate her own blood pressure.  She is being kept alive on a mixture of medicine and machinery. I will be perfectly honest with you, I don't believe that she is going to wake up.  She is so very sick and her body has already endured so very much.  To see her lying in that bed is heartbreaking.  The doctors told us that she is so very sick that the cancer is the least of our worries.  There are a whole barrage of tests that they need to run, but they cannot because she is so weak.  They don't even know the extent of what is happening inside of her.  And so we languish in this state of purgatory.  It's a waiting game.

Even more heartbreaking is watching my wife and my father in law try to cope with this.  I love them both so very much and it absolutely kills me that not only can I do nothing to help his wife/her mother, but there is nothing that I can do to help them and make them feel better.  I must simply watch them suffer.  For me that is the worst part.  Please don't misunderstand.  I love my mother in law as if she was my own mother.  I would give anything to make her better.  I am thankful however that in her sedated state, she is out of pain and she is unaware of what is happening.  She is sleeping and I like to think that she's having the most beautiful dreams.  In the waking world however, my wife and father in law are full of pain and sorrow.  I put my arms around them and I do everything I can to comfort them.  But at the end of the day, I cannot take their pain away.

I am truly sorry to have dumped this on you all.  I hold so much inside and I needed to get this out.  If you have read this entire post, I thank you for allowing me to expunge some of my pain into the ether so to speak.   I really needed to get this out of my system.

I will leave you with this:  Hug and kiss your loved ones.  Every single day.   Never go to bed angry.  Tell your friends and family that you love them every chance you get.  Life is precious and you never know when your final conversation with anyone could be.  Cliched?  Yeah, I guess so....but it's cliched because it's true.

Merry Christmas
Happy Hanukkah
Joyous Kwanzaa
Happy Holidays

Whatever you celebrate, I hope that it is merry and bright and I wish you the best this holiday season.

And fear not!  Midnight Cinephile will return with a vengeance!

Until then,
I love you all.


-Matt

MST3K Turkey Day Marathon!!!!

Happy Thanksgiving, Cinephiles!

I know it's been kind slim pickings around here this month, and I'm sorry about that.  Sometimes life just hands you a basket of artichokes and you have to try and make key lime pie out of it.

Don't try to figure out that last statement.

Anywhoo, as you may or may not know it's Turkey Day which can mean only one thing:  MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000's TURKEY DAY MARATHON!  Yes, that proud tradition that hearkens all the way back to 1991.  Okay, well it ran 1991 thru 1995 and was then resurrected in 2013, but that's really besides the point isn't it?  Oh yeah and the Sci Fi Channel ran a Turkey Day Marathon in '97 once too.

There are several places that you can watch the live marathon, including

mst3kturkeyday.com
YouTube

or you can just hang out here and watch it right below!

The actual marathon starts at 12 Noon ET, but until then you can enjoy Manos:  The Hands of Fate on infini-loop!  Enjoy and Happy Turkey Day!

Midnight Cinephile Podcast Part IV: A Weng's Chop Thanksgiving with Brian Harris

You asked for more and you got it!  Okay, well technically no one asked....I just sorta assumed that you wanted more because I haven't received any "Cease & Desist" letters or emails.

Anywhoo, check out the latest episode of MC.  My special guest this week and in the enigmatic and always fun Brian Harris.  Publisher and Co-Editor of Weng's Chop Magazine.....Brian is an import voice in the genre and I"m privileged to call him my friend.

Grab a beer, make yourself a turkey sandwich and don't skimp on the cranberry sauce because it's The Midnight Cinephile comin' at ya!




And as always you can download it directly HERE!

Night Vision - Viciously Haunted VCR

Night Vision
1987
D: Michael Krueger
W: Nancy Gallanis, Michael Krueger, Leigh Pomeroy

S: Stacy Carson, Shirley Ross & Tony Carpenter
Not Rated - 102 Min

Taglines:
 - A Window To The Future And A Gate To Hell

Alternate Titles:
A Última Sessão (The Last Session) - Brazil
Vaarallinen video (Hazardous Video) - Finland
O aetos tis nyhtas (The Eagle of the Night) - Greece







"Do you know what we do to kids like you?  We lock them up in the back and make up watch Seasame Street........backwards.......so you can't learn the alphabet!"
                                                                                                               -Jill

* This screen cap comes courtesty of KinderTrauma

October is done.  Halloween has come and gone.  It was quite an epic month and I would like to extend a slightly delayed, but very heartfelt THANK YOU to Brandon Early from Movies At Dog Farm for inviting me to participate in his Pre'Ween: 2014.  It was an absolute blast and I was in fantastic company with the myriad of other personalities contributing.  I can't wait for next year!

I know I've been away for a little while, but coming back from our trip to Sleepy Hollow, we kinda walked into a mini shit-storm of which I will not bore you with the details.  Suffice to say Midnight Cinephile had to take a spot on the back burner for a bit.  Things are more or less back on track now, however,  so let's just pick up and act like nothing happened!

Jill rings up Nazi Rectal Roundup for a customer (I'm not making that title up!)

Right, so....Night Vision.  This was backlogged on my DVR from the beginning of October.  I have absolutely no recollection of recording it and I was even more surprised that it said that it was recorded off of Turner Classic Movies.  Now, I really had no idea what the film was going to be like and I know that TCM will show some newer stuff every now and then....but it's description  (A would-be writer finds nightly inspiration from a satanic video tape) to be rather odd for them.....though they do show some out-there stuff on TCM Underground.  This may be the first time that I've seen an SOV horror flick however!

I digress.  Night Vision completely lived up to it's one-sentence synopsis.  A young writer named Andy moves from Kansas to The City.  To be honest, I don't think that they ever mention the city by name.....so I have to assume it's supposed to be New York or Philly....it looks kinda chilly there.  Anyway, he arrives and moves into a flea bag motel with some colorful characters.  The owner is your typical tough-as-nails-take-no-bullshit-loudmouthed-with-a-good-heart-deep-down kinda woman.  You know the type.  There is also prostitute with a southern accent.  Just to keep us off guard, the prostitute is played by a man.  It's never made clear if it's supposed to be a drag queen or if the character is simply played by a male (like John Travolta playing the mother in Hairspray).  

This is Andy.  He's like a low rent Clark Kent...only no glasses....and he doesn't turn into Superman.

It's not long before Andy starts looking for a day job and applies at a small Mom & Pop video store (you KNOW this film automatically gets bumped up for featuring a Mom & Pop shop!).  There he meets Jill, a street-wise and crusty video clerks who's seen what the city can do to a wide eyed kid.  Speaking of kids, there's a kid trying to steal porno tapes from the store and when Jill catches him she threatens to tie up in the back room and make him watch Sesame Street in reverse!  Needless to say the dialog is really wonky, but that works in the film's favor and adds to the bizarre dream-like quality. 

On the way home from the video store, Andy saves a street hustler named Vinnie from two hooded figures who were threatening him.  Apparently, he stole something they want.  As a way of saying "Thank You" for the rescue, Vinnie steals some beer and invites Andy back to his place, where he gives him a stolen TV and VCR.  Nice guy, that Vinnie.  

That's not a leotard.....Vinnie's got matching undies and top!

This is where shit starts heading south for our poor nebbish hero.  See, Vinnie stole that TV and VCR from a local satanic cult.  What he didn't know was that there was a VHS tape (you remember those, right?  Be Kind....Rewind!) in the VCR.  Turns out the cult had been filming some of their rituals and the tape was imprinted with evil.  Every night Andy ends up watching the pulsing green screen intertwined with bizarre images.  The next thing he knows, he wakes up with a horror story completely written.  Unfortunately these horror stories are also mirroring terrible killings that are happening around the neighborhood.  Is Andy having visions?  Is he linked psychically to the satanic cult or even Satan himself?  Is he becoming possessed by a VCR?  This my friends, is drama!

I've gotta tell you that I was downright surprised by how much I enjoyed this one.  I went in not knowing what to expect and I came out pretty darn entertained.  Another win for the SOV movement of the 80's.  I'm sorry I didn't have time to pull my own screen caps for this one, but I did manage to find a few stills from around the net.  The stills I pulled were labeled as coming from You Tube and Vimeo so I don't have any names to give credit to.

Gore

There's a little bit of the red stuff splashed around, but not too much.

T&A

There's also a li'l bit o' skin on display as well during the obligatory love scene between Andy and Jill.  Oh yeah, and Vinnie in his underwear.  I'm still trying to forget that though.

Creatures Featured

No creatures...but we do get a satanic cult and a haunted VCR......that's something ya don't get to see too often!

Final Thoughts

This is a slow-burn type of film.  Not a lot happens for long stretches of time, but you won't even notice because you will be completely caught up in the surreal world of this characters and you'll want to just hang around with them.  As near as I can tell this is a VHS only title....but I really don't think that this flick needs a DVD release.  It breathes and bleeds analog and that's pretty damn amazing.

Final Rating 

Three out of Five Pizza Rolls

Midnight Cinephile Podcast Part III

It's here!

Dig in, kiddies....your old pal The Midnight Cinephile has a special Halloween treat for you!
In this episode of the podcast, I am joined by Rue Morgue scribe, April Snellings and we discuss all things 80's horror and then delve off into even stranger territory with topics such as Bigfoot, Feji Mermaids and setting loved one's on fire with BBQ's!

It's all in here and it's all for you, Damien!

Give a listen here on the website using the player below:



Or you can download it direct from Lybsin HERE!
You will be able to download from iTunes shortly.

I had a fantastic time talking with April and I know that you'll have a fantastic time listening to our epic conversation! Happy Halloween!

The Midnight Hour - Get Dead!

The Midnight Hour
1985
D: Jack Bender
W: William Bleich

S: Lee Montgomery, Shari Belafonte & LeVar Burton
TV Movie - Approx 94 Min.
ABC

Taglines:
None

Alternate Titles: 
 -La noche del baile de medianoche (Prom Night Midnight) - Spain
 -Halloweenin hetki (Halloween Time) - Finland
 -La Notte di Halloween (The Halloween Night) - Italy
 -Creeps - Eine unheimliche Geisternacht (A Chilling Ghost Night)- West Germany

 -Halloween - Besuch aus dem Jenseits (Visit From Beyond the Grave) - West Germany




"I'm Dead.  You're Dying.  Everyone should try it.  Get Dead!"
                                                                                                                                             -Melissa

There are some films that just perfectly encapsulate certain holidays.  A Christmas Story will forever be branded (in my mind) as the quintessential Christmas film.  It simply is not Christmas if I don't watch Ralphie on his quest for an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle at least 10 times.  It's not Thanksgiving to me unless I've watched Home For The Holidays at least twice.  Halloween is a tricky time for me because I have many favorites that must be watched throughout October.  While Garfield's Halloween Adventure is still at the tip top of the list, The Midnight Hour is a very close second.

Skull Kid riding a bike, delivering newspapers.  I think that's about as Your Town USA as you can get!

The gang heads to the local cemetery to try on the clothing of dead people.  Super idea.

The Midnight Hour is a fairly obscure ABC produced TV-Movie about a group of teens living in the fictional New England town of Pitchford Cove (or PitchFORK Cove as their ancestors called it in the late 1600's called it).  Some of the students are the direct descendants of witches and witchhunters from the town's beginnings.  Some of their ancestor's clothing is on display at the local witchcraft museum.  The kids think it would be a swell idea to break in and "borrow" the costumes for their big Halloween party.

After a successful clothing heist (that includes stealing an old trunk), the head off to the local cemetery to try on the costumes.  Cause, why not, right?  Inside the trunk they find an ancient scroll which appears to be written in blood.  One of the girls decides to read it out loud as a joke....since her great-great-great-great-great grandmother was an evil witch and all.  What's the worst that could happen?  Well, as fate would have it, she unleashes a curse that awakens the dead.  It seems that some of the dead are evil, some are confused and then there's Sandy.  A 50's era cheerleader who just wants to fall in love before she has to go back to the grave.

I loved this guy in Thriller.....

I have no idea what the hell he's supposed to be, but I dig it!

As the zombies roam around town causing havoc, it would appear that there is also a werewolf on the loose.  It would also appear that the evil witch is back as well.....and she's a freaking vampire to boot!  Damn!  If you're into Thriller-style zombies then you're going to feel right at home with this.  Especially when everyone at the party breaks into a song and dance number titled "Get Dead"!  It is pure 80's cheddar that tastes oh-so-good!

The ladies are about to get it on in the wine cellar.....but not in a good way.

Zombies love to party.

For an ABC TV-Movie, this has some surprisingly effective scenes in it, including the evil vampire witch attacking her great-great-great-great-great granddaughter in the wine cellar of the house where the party is being held.  Everything kicks into slow motion during the attack as corks pop off of wine bottles and red wine jettisons forth like streams of blood, all while The Smiths' "How Soon is Now?" plays with some spooky overlays in the background.

There's a lot of great actors to keep an eye out for while you're watching this one:  Kurtwood Smith, Kevin McCarthy, Dick Van Patten are just some of the familiar faces that you'll see here.  Not to mention a very young,  LeVar Burton & Shari Belafonte (Harry Belafonte's daughter!)!

Sandy...the hot, cheerleader ghost.

Shit!  Clarence Boddicker is a goddamn zombie!

GORE
There's a little bit of the red stuff on tap, but not much.  This is less about gore and more about the nostalgic Halloween feel.

T&A
No skin, kiddies.  This is a made for TV-Movie.

Creatures Featured
You get zombies, ghouls, vampires, ghosts, werewolves and witches all under one roof!  What's not to love about that?!

Final Thoughts
It's a crime that this film doesn't have it's on Blu Ray release with an isolated soundtrack and a ton of Halloweentastic extras.  This should be on everyone's must-watch list for Halloween.  I cannot recommend this film highly enough!  Seek it out and enjoy!


Final Rating
Five out of Five Pizza Rolls